Sometime in the Spring I told the Facebook world that I was
about to read the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine
Mazlish. I have long been a fan of their book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen
so I was excited when I realized this sibling book I had heard a lot about was
by the same two ladies.
It turned out I was not the only mom interested in reading
this book. When I posted about starting it on Facebook, a surprising number of
my friends responded with “oh, I have been meaning to read that book”. I know
how hard it can be to get around to reading a parenting book when you are in
the middle of actually parenting
children so I took some notes and I am offering here a small look in to a few
things that struck me personally in case a few of my friends still haven’t had
a chance to pick up the book.
Overall, the ideas presented made sense and I got some good
ideas. The format is something like a report on group sessions so there are lots
of stories and lots of questions from various people posed to the authors. It
doesn’t just read as a straight up “do this” book, but rather has several voices
and even some disagreement with the author’s approaches that are worked out
over a few of their sessions.
I am going to be upfront about my biggest challenge with the
book. While they eventually got to my burning issue at page 164, I wish they
would have acknowledged it earlier. The ideas in this book are geared towards
neurotypical, typically developing children with relatively stable mental
health. They are great ideas when you can reason with the siblings, when
rational discussion can be comprehended, and when there is not a complete imbalance
in the sibling relationship where physical aggression is routinely seen from
one specific child. For that family, they would still recommend bringing in professional
medical and mental health supports to work with the unique family. This made
perfect sense, because as I was reading the book, I thought this is great for my
kids that don’t need a ton of parent support to live on the same planet. It
would not prove as effective for the kid that I was struggling with the most.
Thankfully, we do have the recommended support team in place for our family,
but if someone is super struggling with a very intense and aggressive sibling
situation, I wouldn’t spend time with this book. Just go to a professional who
can work with your family directly.
Okay, that is off my chest and I can share the other tidbits
I learned 😊
I will be the first to admit it is hard not to cast my kids
in to roles. Really, society sets this up for us without even much thought.
Just think about all the of the research done on birth order. Then we add in
our love of our kids and they all have personalities that are unique and we
want to praise their strengths. But how we do that matters. How our other kids
hear us talk about their siblings matter. My best example of this is music and dancing
at my house. One of my kids does have some natural talent for music, beats, and
dance movies. We have gushed over his dancing more than once. We have, and I
cringe here, said “at least someone in this family can dance!”. Then there is
that child’s sibling, who maybe doesn’t have the innate talent so, while we are
not mean, we are not encouraging his dancing so much. Then one day, right after
I read this book, this child was dancing and said “Mommy, dancing makes me
happy and brings me joy. I could dance all day!” Full stop what mommy was doing.
This child understands what brings him joy, regardless of how his actions are
perceived by others. I want to celebrate and encourage all day long those
activities that bring my children joy. So now we have no “dancing king”. We
just have kids that love to dance. All of them. In the book this statement hit
home for me “We want to make it clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship,
dance, drama, poetry, sport are for everyone and not reserved for those who
have a special aptitude.” (page 97)
I definitely focused a little more on the chapter about
fighting. It is hard, as a parent, to know when/if/how to intervene in the
fights of our children. This book focuses on empowering children to settle
their own disputes. Even so far as to walk in, state the issue in a way that expresses
empathy for both children, letting them know that you are fully confident in
their ability to settle this, and then walk back out. I have started using this
with a couple of my kiddos and it works amazingly well. Just expressing my
confidence in them as little boys who can solve this together goes so much further
than mommy trying to play Solomon. Now, this doesn’t work so well when physical
violence is common. Those kiddos who are being physically attacked are entitled
to adult intervention and swiftly. Another take away from this chapter, not
necessarily a new concept but a good reminder, was that forced sharing can
cause the child to hold on even tighter. Letting the siblings work out sharing
fosters more of a sense of knowing that they are important enough to not have
things that are important to them. The overall theme of this chapter was “basically,
we try not to interfere, but when we must step in, it’s always with the thought
that at the earliest possible moment we will turn the children back to dealing
with each other. It is the best preparation we can give them for the rest of
their lives.” (page 157)
The chapter on comparison had a lot of good role playing for
how damaging comparison can be. Even we are thinking it can be a motivator to a
sibling. It is best to just find a totally different way to motivate and move a
child. “Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any
reference to his brother. The key world is describe. Describe what you see. Or
describe what you like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing
is to stick with the issue of this one child’s behavior. Nothing his brother is
or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.” (page 55)
“To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be
loved uniquely – for one’s own special self - is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”
(page 71) There is an entire chapter about how we show love to each child and
it reminded me of a sign that sits in my living room, that I received just days
before adding child number four to our family. It reads “no matter how many
children a mother has, she loves each one the best.” Not that she loves them
the same. She loves each one the best. For who they are as an individual. One
of the best ways we can do that is to spend intentional time alone with each
child every week. Where we are totally focused on that one child and they know
that they have our attention. I find that this can still be time where something
is being done for the family, if necessary, such as grocery shopping with one
child. To hear about his day. To see the world through her eyes. Kids say way
different things when they are not a voice in the crowd. I believe this
intentional time will get harder as they grow, but it will be my priority to
make it happen so I know exactly who they are and what I love about them that
is uniquely their own self.
I will be keeping this book for reference as more of my kids
are in the targeted age group (school age) and can reason and discuss their way
through problems (it wasn’t meant to break up toddler level hair pulling fights).
If you are just looking for a few ways to increase the peace in your house
through siblings working together, it certainly is worth the read.
