Infertility is a hard to talk about. It is hard to be the person going through it and it is hard to be the people around the people going through it. It is a very sensitive time but there isn't an easy guide for what to say. So lots of people have written such guides. There are so many really good lists of things to NOT say to a person going through infertility. Since infertility affects about 10% of couples, these are list of things to not say to 10% of people. But not everyone feels comfortable sharing their infertility with a crowd so they really become lists of things not to say ever to anyone.
I loved those lists when we went through infertility the first time. And now we are at it again and the lists are falling short because they are primarily lists of things to not say to someone who has no kids. But what about people who have kids but want another. We get told our share of rude/insensitive/inappropriate things to and so here is my lists of things not to say to people like me...people with kid(s) who want more kid(s). And since you don't always know if someone wants more kids, the rule of not saying these things ever from above still applies.
1. Just adopt again!
This is so similar to the "just adopt" we got the first go around. We actually did end up adopting our oldest child, but there was no "just" to the process. It was an emotional roller coaster that included very hard decisions, strangers investigating our lives, being chosen to be the parents of a baby, waiting for the baby's first parents to terminate their parental rights. It was HARD. This might bother me even more now that I have been through the process than it did before. If we decide to adopt again it will be our decision and don't cheapen my first born by assuming it is a easy way to get a baby.
2. It happened before.
I really want to answer this one with "read a statistics book". Given the multitude of reasons for infertility, one successful pregnancy does not mean you will have another. And I don't want to tell every person I met that, actually, I have had three failed pregnancies since I gave birth a year and a half ago. So just please don't say this.
3. Can't you be happy with the kids you have?
Oh, I am so so happy with the kids I have. They bring me joy each day. In fact, the joy they bring me is part of why I want more kids!! Please don't imply I am not enjoying these kids because I would like more. Nothing could be further from the truth.
4. Why would you even want more kids?
Yes, they bring me joy. Yes, they are a lot of work. Especially a three year old with a sensory disorder. There are days my limits are tested. But, you know what? Those limits changed a lot after my second and they will change again. The desire is in my heart and I WANT to rise to the occasion of taking care of more kids.
5. God doesn't think you can handle more kids?
No. Actually, we believe the size of our family is a desire from God. This comes across as people just wanting to play "the God card" and kinda makes me like Christians less. So, unless you are a VERY close friend who comes to me and tells me that God has specifically spoken to you about my family size, just don't go here.
Now, I am guessing a few people are thinking "well, gosh, what can I say to this woman?" Well, I am glad you wondered...
1. That must be really hard.
Just acknowledge that going through this disappointment is hard and I may not always be at my most happy smiley self.
2. Can I babysit for your appointments? A date night?
Seriously, it is hard to balance the kids a mom has with trying to conceive. There can be appointments with doctors or adoption agencies that are hard to take kids to. Or maybe the couple just needs some time to be a couple or they just had a miscarriage and need some time to grieve alone. Just offering to help can make a woman feel like she has a village sharing her hearts burden.
3. I will be praying for you to see God's plan for expanding your family.
I covet the prayers of my friends. I am sure other woman do as well.
4. You are an awesome mom. I would love to see more kids like yours.
Affirmation is always helpful. Trust me. On days when my kids are crazy, I have all kinds of self doubt about my mothering abilities and I start to wonder if God thinks I am a good enough mom. Affirming a mom is ALWAYS a good idea.
5. I'm Sorry.
Sometimes that is all that needs to said.
April, thank you for your vulnerability. Because y'all aren't in Orlando anymore, I honestly didn't realize the full extent of what you've been experiencing. Although I have not personally dealt with infertility (primary or secondary), I will say that I never expected to have just 2 children. Like you, I enjoy my boys and am happy being their mother. And the reasons we don't have more children are, also like yours, sad and personal. Different reasons, to be sure, but I sympathize with your longing and grief even though I've never had to visit doctors and fertility appointments and face the crushing blow of miscarriage. Praying God will be with y'all in your loss AND in your joys AND in your longings. ~Allison Lee
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