Joel and the God who restores

 I have been a mom for a little over 9 years. At this season most people would know me as being a mom of 4 kids. I come in with a (fairly well behaved) circus. It wasn’t always this way. There was a season where I was known more for being the lady who really wanted kids.

While I have been a mom (through the miracle of adoption) for 9 years, I found out I finally had a viable pregnancy about 8 years ago. We were still just thrilled God had given us ONE baby, yes, we wanted more but we were not going to ask for too much. Then this second miracle baby was on his way and we had to name him.

It would sound really cool to say that I poured over my Bible and found just the perfect name for our second son. It didn’t happen that way at all. The real story is we wanted a second name from the Bible, then sorted through names we liked or people we would want to name our kids after. That is how we came upon Joel’s name; we both respected a family friend named Joel and decided to name our son after him and it was just super convenient the name was also in the Bible.

Confession: I am not certain I read the book of Joel any time in the decade before I wrote that name on a birth certificate. I did look up the meaning of the name, “the Lord is God”, which seemed a fitting name for a baby who was such a miracle. So, there was that.

Fast forward a bunch of years and recently a preacher referenced a verse from the book of Joel. Not a common book to come up in a sermon. Fun fact, I learned recently in my studies that Bible scholars don’t even know enough about Joel to know what time frame he was even alive during the years of the Old Testament so he doesn’t come up much.

But that verse? I hadn’t found just the perfect name for Joel, but God had. The book of Joel talks a lot about bugs. Lots and lots of destructive bugs. Then, in Joel 2:25 God says, “I will restore to you the years the swarming locust has eaten…” (ESV). God will restore the lost years. The hard years. The years of so much sadness. God will restore them to Israel.

I love it! I had these years where I had miscarriage after miscarriage. I had no way of knowing in that season that I would one day give birth to three babies. The “years of swarming locusts” doesn’t feel like too dramatic of a spin for the depths of infertility.  Turns out God had a restoration plan for me, too.

Today I look at Joel and think “these are the restored years”. I didn’t really expect one biological child, much less three of them. Joel is my in-the-flesh reminder that God restores. When the current season isn’t going quite like I wanted, Joel is my reminder that God has a way bigger plan than my wants. I think God knew my faith would need some really tangible reminders, reminders I could actually hug and snuggle, that He is the God who restores.

On Redemption

Redemption is a beautiful concept. To take something, or someone, that was lost or broken or hurt and saving it or them. I can’t think of redemption without getting some tears in my eyes. I love the idea of something or someone being saved, being rescued. Maybe because I can so deeply relate to needing redemption.

I have had several moments in my life when I needed saving. Quite frankly, I need the redemption of Jesus daily. But some seasons stand out as a having a moment of redemption. When the darkness became light. When the valley path started rising to the mountains. When beauty rose from ashes and tears. Today is a day where I celebrate redemption.

It was eight years ago today that I became a mom.

It wasn’t at all the way I expected, but it was the path we came to be on. The path that led to redemption.

In fact, my plan, after a battle with infertility was to give birth on February 22, 2012. I had finally gotten pregnant in June the year prior and this was my due date. Until it wasn’t because I miscarried. Again. The events following that miscarriage showed us that the path we were to take to parenthood was the path of adoption.

The path of infertility and adoption was one of my lowest valleys. It felt dark. It felt lonely. It felt stagnant.

And then came the redemption. The saving. On the very day I thought I would give birth to a baby; one was placed in my arms. I felt the saving. I felt the weight of the darkness start to lift. I started to see the mountain path. My world had felt upside down and this little boy was turning it right side up again. I was a mom for the very first time.

The light was dawning and would continue to get brighter in this corner of my life. Parenthood would prove to have its own challenges (of course!), but my season of longing for a baby was redeemed. There was beauty rising from the ashes in my soul. My tears were tears of joy in the morning.

Adoption is considered a triad relationship: the child, the birth parents, and the adoption parents. We had a blessed opportunity to spend time with Isaac’s birth mother in the days before and after Isaac’s birth. We heard her story. We listened deeply. We cried with her. Yet, there was redemption. I don’t share her story or the beginning of Isaac’s story because they are not mine to tell, but I can say that the moment he placed was in my arms, there was a lot of redemption in the room. How could a mom not think about the woman who gave birth to her son on his birthday? She was first on my mind this morning. She gave me a gift. A gift of redemption. I hope she still feels redemption, too.

I love celebrating Isaac’s birthday. Today he opted to spend the day at home with his family playing with Legos. I am listening to him banter with his brothers as I write this. The story wasn’t at all what I expected when I wanted a baby. But this story has redemption and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Dear Joel: On your first day of Kindergarten

Dear Joel,

Today is your first day of Kindergarten! A few hours ago we held hands as we walked to the bus stop together. We didn’t say much. I think we were both nervous we would cry. You smiled bravely and so did I. You told me that you were most afraid you wouldn’t have enough time with mommy. I said we would find a way. I couldn’t say anything else. Then we hugged and you got on the bus and we waved and you were off to your adventure. I can’t wait to hear all about it when you get home.

But here is the rest of my side of the story. I cried more than I expected in the last few days. I cried after I put you to bed last night and we both said we were proud of each other. I spent most of last night awake praying. I prayed for you and the boy you are becoming. I prayed for your teacher. I prayed with tears of thankfulness, because there were so many years I didn’t think I would even have a you to put on a bus today. I prayed in thankfulness that I will see you at the end of the day when some mommas have said goodbye to their kids until heaven.

I spent some time last night feeling like I couldn’t let you go today. You are MY Joel. I am your mom. I love you more than anyone and I wanted to find a way to keep you. But that isn’t how the world works, is it? It isn’t about keeping you. It is about letting you go be you. The amazing one-of-a-kind you that you can only be as you spread your wings in the big wide world.

I had to let you go today because you were ready to go. You waited so patiently for this day. You have been watching all the other kids go. Because of your Fall birthday, you spent some extra time in preschool.  You can do lots of math already. You are so close to reading on your own. You are social and love to be around people. To keep you would be to hold you back. I love you too much to do that. You will shine in school. You will grow in school. I am excited to see it, even if my tears are flowing today.

There is another reason I had to let you go today. It came to me last night as I was thinking of all your amazing attributes. The world needs you. To keep you would be selfish. The world is a bit crazy right now. The world needs people just like you now more than ever.

You are kindhearted. If someone is sad, you find a way to help cheer them up. If they are lonely, you include them. The world needs you.

You are friendly. You make new friends everywhere you go. I know when you come home today you will have fifteen new friends (even if you don’t know their names yet!). The world needs you.

You have a smile for everyone. I know the teachers today will appreciate your smiles on this first day of school. You brighten the world with that smile. The world needs you.

You have a sharp mind. You are always thinking of how things work and ways to figure out a new idea or plan. School will help you learn to do that even more. The world needs a thinking you.

You help others. Some kids in your class will be very nervous and you will help them find their way. The world needs you.

You are a peacemaker. Kindergarten is where everyone learns a lot about how to get along with others. This comes naturally to you and you can show others how to do it. The world needs you.

See, the more I think about it, there is no way to keep you as my little boy home with me. You are ready for school, and more importantly, it is time to share you with the world. To share the hope that you will bring. The world needs you. You will go do amazing things. I know you will. All I had to do was let go.

But I will still be really excited when you get home!!

I love you,

Mommy

Thank God for Kids

“If it weren't for kids have you ever thought 

There wouldn't be no Santa Claus 

...thank God for kids”

I have always loved that song but it was hard to hear for a lot of years when we so wanted children we couldn’t seem to have. Then, 7 years ago, there was a Christmas filled with some hope as we were a waiting adoptive family. That year at the church Christmas Eve service I held up two candles…one for me and one for the baby I hoped God would give me in the next year. One day shy of two months after that service, I would hold my baby in my arms. God had heard our cries and given us the perfect baby he had picked for us. He gave us laughter again. He gave us Isaac.

The next Christmas, Isaac was 10 months old and holding his own candle at Christmas Eve. He was called out by Pastor Joel as “the child waving his candle more vigorously than others”! I cried again that year, but happy tears.

Little did we know that the very next year, we would experience “Baby’s First Christmas” again. We added Joel to our family that year with another sense of amazement at carrying a baby to a full term pregnancy.

In the following years we would add two additional children. One that on his first Christmas we were both thankful for him presence in our lives but very worried about why he seemed to not be able to see. The next year, Peter would be wearing glasses and just about to start using a mobility cane.

And that would also be the year we would do our final “Baby’s First Christmas”, but that one would include ribbons and bows and frilly ruffled dresses. Our Ellie girl had arrived that year.

This year, as I listened to the words “thank God for kids”, I am so incredibly thankful for my kids. I am thankful we got our children. I know that many arms are still empty. I am extra thankful we got all four of them and were able to close our family building chapter as we wished. I know that many arms are not as full as they wanted. I am excited for the next season of kids. I know not all parents get to watch their kids grow up. I am thankful.

Thank God for kids.

Merry Christmas

My Story, His Story

I was asked to speak at church last week in a series called "My Story, His Story" sharing how God has come in to my life story. There will be an audio version at some point, until then, here is the text I prepared and spoke from....

Zack told me that I was finishing out this series and, since Mother’s Day is the 3^rd highest day for church attendance each year, to not “blow it”. I do appreciate the faith that he has put in me for this morning, hopefully I can live up to that, but I am the mother of 4 kids ages 5 and under and time to prepare was hard to come by! I do feel like I am coming in with an advantage of having heard the amazing stories of others for the last few weeks.  As each person has started to speak they said they prayed and asked their spouse to pray when Zack asked them to speak. I am just going to confess that I didn’t do that! I just said YES! Then I felt really guilty as I sat  there the last few weeks, did I just fail the first test of speaking at church? But then I thought really I have been asking God for the opportunity to share my story for several years, because even as I was going through these struggles, I wanted God to use them to help others. So here I am.

Mother’s Day

And its Mother’s Day, of all days, to share my story. Just a couple warnings. One, I had a baby a little over a month ago and my emotions are a little close to the surface this morning so I may cry, and two, this isn’t your typical happy Mother’s Day story. Actually, I have learned over the last several years that for many many people, in many different walks of life, that Mother’s Day isn’t nearly as happy as Hallmark would like us to believe.

In my case, it was the path to motherhood itself that would lead me through some of the darkest days of my life, where I was journeying right through the valley of the shadow of death and clinging to the Lord when I couldn’t see the road in front of me. I learned a lot about myself and the nature of God as I walked.

A journey of faith

Long before I was thinking seriously about motherhood, God had already started me on a journey that would challenge me and build up my faith, which looking back I can see I really needed to be able to get through the last several years. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “all I have seen teaches me to  trust the creator for all I have not seen”. We can actually church up that Emerson quote quite a bit with Hebrews 11:1 which says “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen”. God uses experiences in our lives to build up our faith and trust in him.  So I will start with a journey of faith.

Spokane to Washington, DC

This journey starts just over the mountains in Spokane, where I grew up, went to elementary, middle school, high school, and college. At Eastern Washington University, I studied economics as a social science, which is different (code for “not as useful”) than a business economics degree. My dad, being very wise, questioned what I would do with this degree. Well, graduate school, of course! And then I would probably teach. During my senior year of college I was offered a full scholarship to WSU. I took a class on leadership where we had to write about where we wanted to be in 10 years. When I wrote that paper, I could see myself living and working in Washington, DC, a city I had loved since I was 14 and had visited with my family. I also had loved local politics for years, had interned for a Congressman, and wanted to experience life “inside the beltway”.  Writing that paper, made me realize I didn’t want to wait 10 years and a graduate degree to live that life, with God’s help and faith, I realized there was a little voice in my heart saying I really didn’t want to go to school anymore right then and I was to go get a job in Washington, DC. That took a lot of faith to put in to words and share with others. It was crazy for a girl with a full scholarship to a graduate program to want to try for a job on the other side of the country. But I wasn’t just crazy, I had faith that God was in this plan….so I prayed about what to do and came back with the idea that I shouldn’t wait until I had a job, I should just move there anyway because it would be easier to look for a job in person! I should add here that my parents had moved to Florida by this time and my back up plan was just to head south to their door step if this plan didn’t work out. So I packed up my car, my cat, and a whole lot of courage and set out on a very long drive. God was faithful. My phone rang as I was driving through Indiana on a Thursday. It was someone from the United States Census Bureau calling to set up a phone interview for Monday. I said “actually I can be there in person, what’s the address?” I was hired 2 weeks later. It was a crazy plan, far from the comfort and safety of home but it was where God asked me to go and my faith grew watching His plan to give me the desires of my heart unfold.

Back to Graduate School

As I left Spokane and school behind, I promised myself, though, that I would only work for 3 years and then I would for sure go to graduate school. Living just inside the beltway I poured myself in to my job, which I loved. It was lots of numbers, a surprising amount of travel, and I was on the track to be a manager…but wait, I was supposed to go back to school and I told everyone 3 years was my limit.  At year 2 I started to work on my plan to go back to school, but I wasn’t all that excited about it. I wanted to stay and work. Work was fun. Work paid money! But I felt again that push that said “go, do this new uncomfortable thing and see what will happen”. Well, this time I had scholarships to choose from so I picked the one closest to my parents, and started graduate school at the University of Florida. I was back on track to that graduate degree.

Except that I HATED school. It was awful. I was sure I was in the very wrong place. Surely I must have misheard God because my life had pretty much taken what I thought was a VERY wrong turn. So much so that I left the University of Florida after one semester. I made plans to return to Virginia and try a different school and if that didn’t work, I was sure my job would be waiting at the Census Bureau.

I knew my job would be waiting because it had actually kind of stayed with me. When I left the Census Bureau they had a project they were willing to contract out. I was able to work part time as a contractor while I was in graduate school. This was a huge provision from God when school didn’t work out AND over the next several years as I would continue to do contract work for the government which would support my family, put my husband through college, and allow me to even have an employee for a few years.

Getting Married

Life isn’t always a struggle of faith, though, sometimes you pray and have a desire and it happens faster than you could even imagine…faster than maybe even your parents think is a good idea! And that is how I met my husband!!! The University of Florida is in a smallish college town in the middle of pretty much swamp. If you are not in school, there isn’t much to do. And I was not in school and waiting for my lease to be up, so it seemed like a good time to try online dating. In January of 2008, I saw the profile of a very good looking pilot and, as I would find out as we emailed, talked, and met over the coming weeks he was also smart, funny, and a man of God. It took me only weeks to tell my parents that this was the man I was going to marry….We started out with a long distance relationship of 200 miles. We would do a LOT of driving on the weekends. One very late night I was driving the two hours home and a panther ran in front of my car, that will tend to scare a person in the dark!! I swerved and rolled my car. I had a lot of angels that night because I was able to crawl out of the car mostly unharmed. It seemed like this was sign that long distance wasn’t going to be a good idea. We knew God was the center of our relationship and we were meant to be married so to keep everyone alive,  after dating for 3 months, we were married under a live oak tree outside the county clerks office (this is a fancy way to say “we eloped”) . God had very quickly answered my prayers for a husband and was showing me why I had felt that I needed to leave DC the year before…it wasn’t for school, it was to be within the 200 mile search radius of the man he had picked out for me, it was certainly a showing of following in faith to come to the things “not yet seen”, really, at the time I had left DC, I wasn’t even thinking of meeting my husband in Florida. God is just that good!

Wanting kids

We still had a wedding with family and friends on the beach, but since we had already done the official part, my dad could do the ceremony.  It was 9 years ago last week that Mark and I stood  on a sunny beach and vowed again to love each other through all times. We knew we wanted to have children right away, 4 of them.  Mark was 32, I was 25 and we were ready to jump right in to starting our family. I had some idea that getting pregnant might not be super easy for me since I was diagnosed with endometriosis at age 19 so when a few months went by we were already checking in with a doctor.

Infertility treatments

For the next couple years we would pursue infertility treatments that were progressively more aggressive. At first, it was take some oral medications at certain times of the month. Then we moved on to doing nightly shots, Mark worked out a system where he would get the shots ready, hand me a cookie, and then give me the shot while I was distracted. All of the treatments came invasive testing every few days or even sometimes every day. We lived 2 hours from our infertility clinic, so I would make the 4+hour trip many times in a week. I also had surgery twice to remove endometriosis and ovarian cysts. I was also diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome during this time. It was taking a whole team of doctors, a LOT of money, and so much patience with trial and error treatments to get me pregnant.

First miscarriage

But after a couple years, I finally did get pregnant and we were so excited. For a short time, and then we learned I would miscarry this baby we had prayed and worked so hard for. We were devastated. I was sad. I felt let down by God. But we kept going because one miscarriage isn’t that uncommon and we still really wanted a baby and we knew that God was faithful. I had just spent the last 4 years on a pretty big cross country journey teaching me quite a lot about how faithful God will be and I would need all that faith. At this point we were praying for a baby however God might provide one (Mark assured me that stealing wasn’t a God answer).

Second miscarriage

Another year went by and I got pregnant again. And again we were excited, a little more cautious, but it was hard to not be excited. This time I had gotten pregnant and we were not even doing infertility treatments. Surely this would be the one. Until I woke up bleeding on the 4^th of July. It was a quiet ride to the hospital, where thankfully my parents met us, and we learned I was miscarrying again. Two weeks later, my grandfather died. Two weeks after that I found out my current work contract that was supporting our family, would be cut to a third of its size. I was diagnosed with depression at this time, but a large part of my feelings was anger.  I was just flat mad and mostly at God because as I asked “why” over and over and over, I felt like all I was hearing was silence.  Which was conflicting because I also still had this faith in God that said God is good and God is faithful to us.

Emotions

One day I came up with this image…a child sitting in her father’s lap screaming and beating against his chest with her fists and her father’s arms wrapped around her. That child was so mad at her father that she wanted to hit him. BUT she also knew her father loved her so much that she knew the safest and best place to be was in her father’s arms. That was the day I started to realize that God created emotions and God meets us in our emotions. We don’t have to have only the “good” emotions with God, we can share all our emotions and He can take it.

Adoption

Well, it was after that miscarriage and a lot of testing that we learned I had a chromosome mix up that causes repeated miscarriages. And we had to grieve all over again and struggle again with God. I had wanted babies since I was little girl, this was a good desire, it is a Biblical desire, and yet, in my mind, God wasn’t answering. But we had asked him to lead our journey and we just wanted a baby however God would provide one and at this point our journey started taking us towards adoption. In adoption, God gave us an unusual charge…to adopted a child of a specific race and gender. This is unusual because when you are in the process of adopting through the U.S. private adoption system you are told to be as open as possible to race and so that more birth mother’s would see our profile. I was frustrated that God seemed to be telling us otherwise. But God met me in my frustration and said “Be still for I am God”. Over and over I heard that in my head even as it made no sense to be restrictive. Well, we were approved to adopt on November 22^nd and Isaac was born on February 22^nd…we have about the fastest adoption of anyone we have met! God asked us to be faithful and was he ever faithful in return!! We finally had our baby, the perfect baby meant for us. One more confirmation of that? The miscarriage I had the year before? Isaac was born on my due date. God is good all the time.

There are lots of emotions in adoption. God has sat with me in those emotions, too, and I pray that Isaac’s birth mother knows today that God is with her as well. I think my favorite quote to sum up the emotions of adoption is this “A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege is not lost on me”. Even 5 years later, I am overwhelmed with emotions as I watch Isaac play at times and it is all I can do to cry out to God for his amazing goodness in adoption. As a side note on adoption, adoptive parents get a very unique opportunity to understand the adoption of each of us in to God’s family in a way that I truly believe can only be comprehended when you are told by a judge that this child is now and forever yours, talk about emotions that day!!

But the journey didn’t end there. I would go on to get pregnant again. And miscarry again. It was a little different because I had a baby to love and snuggle as I cried. But I was still sad and God still sat with me as I cried because I wanted this baby, too.

 Oklahoma City

At this point in the story, we took another turn. Mark was finishing his engineering degree and looking for a job. He told me about one in Oklahoma City and I said, “sure, go for it, you don’t have to take it if they offer it to you, it will be good practice, but it isn’t like we are going to just move from Florida to Oklahoma”. I think God laughed right then. Mark ended up with 2 job offers. One in Oklahoma City and one in Wichita, KS. There is nothing that makes Oklahoma City seem quite so appealing as being told your other option is Wichita. But we decided to test God and make sure this Oklahoma thing was really from him. Mark asked for a signing bonus to help pay for our move, we were told they would probably say no…and they said yes. Ok, God, thanks for the confirmation, I think. Two months later, Mark finished school and we were moving to Oklahoma and Mark would begin working for the Boeing Company. It was hard to leave my parents, and take their only grandchild that they had also hoped and prayed for, and move halfway back across the country. But again, God asked us to trust and be faithful and His plan would be good.

Joel

When Isaac was a year old, I got pregnant yet again (for the 4^th time in 4 years) but this time would be different. We prayed and hoped just as much as every other time. We had our brand new small group in Oklahoma literally stand around us in a circle and pray for this growing baby to be healthy. God said yes this time and we would see a flickering heartbeat on an ultrasound and months later bring home Joel.

Miscarriages again

After Joel was born I miscarried three more time. Each one brought a time of mourning, of questioning, of thinking we were probably crazy for continuing to try for more children, and a lot of sadness because now those babies had faces, after Joel was born I knew what our babies would look like, and I was heartbroken even as I continued to care for my sons. But God kept meeting me in those emotions and was still whispering on my heart “I am not done with you. I am not done giving you children. Watch and be faithful.”

Fourth pregnancy after Joel

The fourth time I got pregnant after Joel was born, I was not excited at all. I mostly ignored the fact. I was tired of this. And I told that to God. A lot. God I am TIRED of this cycle!! And God said “no, my grace is sufficient for you and all you have to do is hold on. I know you are tired, but I will carry you.” We went to the doctor again, and finally saw another flickering heart beat and Peter would be joining our family, but not in Oklahoma.

Leaving Oklahoma

See we really didn’t like Oklahoma all that much for a pretty good reason. Tornados are terrible weather events and we just happened to move to Moore, Oklahoma 5 months before it would be ravaged by an F5 tornado we could see from our front window. We didn’t know when we entered the shelter if our home would be standing when we came out. It was, but I think that was the day we started praying to God to help us move from Oklahoma. Later that year Mark was asked to start working for a program based in Seattle. Another year and a half later, we were still praying we could move to Seattle but our prayers were getting really intense…because by this time we had outrun a tornado in our car one evening, and other day had a tornado come straight at our house, lift back off the ground to go over it and come back down a few blocks away. While we were very thankful God was keeping us safe, we were not enjoying this way of life! Finally, after much much prayer (and hard work by Mark) we were granted the opportunity to move to Seattle. Since my parents had moved here the year before, this was an amazing chance to have our boys closer to their grandparents, and get extra help now that we had a third child on the way. Peter was born 4 months later.

Peter, Special needs

God has special plans for Peter, I know he does, because God made Peter extra special. When Peter was a month old we realized his eyes moved all the time back and forth but he didn’t look at anyone or anything. Over the next few months our hearts grew heavy as it became more evident that Peter couldn’t really see much. At his 6 month well baby check up, he failed every developmental milestone test. We already had an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist scheduled and we found out that his eyes were very weak. The rapid eye movement, called a nystagmus, could indicate he had a neurological defect and he needed an MRI. I cried as I watched him get put to sleep, I cried through the entire test, I prayed that he would be just fine. God heard all that, I know he did, but the answer was not what I wanted. Peter has a rare brain defect, Optic Nerve Hypoplasia, that not only means his optic nerve bundle is small, but that other parts of his brain are also underdeveloped. This condition occurs in utero and cannot be fix. It is a whole different kind of sadness and heartbreak that comes when you learn your child will potentially face a lifetime of difficulties you just can’t fix for him. I had to struggle again to remember the goodness of God. The God who made Peter, who could have made Peter whole but did not. I have to trust that God has a plan for Peter, but I don’t know what it is yet. In the meantime, I have been reminded that even on the days that I am tired of going to one more appointment at the Children’s Hospital, that I am tired of having therapists in our home 3 days a week, that I am tired of making sure Peter doesn’t hurt himself because of his low vision and lack of depth perception, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.   

Eloise

Mark said this next part of the story is where God just shows off and I have to agree with him. When Peter was 8 months old, I got pregnant again and we DIDN’T continue the trend of miscarrying between viable pregnancies. God, in his mercies, allowed that pregnancy    to be our daughter Eloise. We finally have those 4 children we wanted so long ago…not at all the journey I would have planned or expected but it was the one where I would grow the most. I have been asked more than once how I endured all those losses and I often say “by God’s grace” because there is just no part of my human strength that could have done it alone. I believe it was also the grace of God that allowed me to have Eloise without having a miscarriage first. I can stand here today and say that God now has me on a journey of healing and God is still very good.

Challenge

I just want to give a challenge today to let God meet you in your emotions. Whatever journey you are on, whatever you are feeling, let God join you there. I want to especially talk to women for a minute. There are a lot of expectations on women, in the world it is to be “Pintrest worthy”, in the church it is to be the Proverbs 31 woman. Well, the Bible doesn’t say this, but since she was female, I am going to theorize that the Proverbs 31 woman broke down and cried more than one. But she is still in the Bible! It is ok to cry, it is ok to be angry, it is ok to just feel your feelings, but know this…God can take it. Invite him to meet you in your emotions and you will find out he is already there waiting.

Waiting mothers

And for anyone among us that is still waiting for their baby. I will be praying for you. I am super impressed you came to church on Mother’s Day. You are brave. You are showing faithfulness to God. I don’t know how your journey will go, I can’t promise you a baby (as much as I desperately want to), but I can promise that God is here, God is listening, God wants the very best for you, and God is good. All the time.

Thank you.

Dear April of Six Years Ago

Six years ago today we started our first round of more aggressive infertility treatments and about 2 months after that I had my first miscarriage. So I have been thinking a lot about what I would say to myself looking back...

Dear April of Six Years Ago,
First, take a bath tonight, read a book, and sleep in tomorrow. Soon that won't be an option. I know that sounds like a lame platitude for what you are going through, but trust me. Do it. Sleep is precious.

This is going to be a hard road. Yes, I know, it already has been, but it is going to get harder and then it is going to get miraculous and you won't even know how to process it all in your head...your heart...well, hearts get bigger around loss and through life.

I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you that in the next six years your heart will break. It will break into so many piece you won't even know how to get out of bed sometimes. It's ok. Stay there a few days, it won't hurt anything. It will break over and over...at least six major times. You will get some terrible phone calls, cry a million tears, and wonder how you will ever get to be a mommy (and later, if you will get to be a mommy again).

There will also be some fun highlights and memories that have become fun memories, too. Remember that trip to Mexico? Think bigger...think a couple trips to Europe. Have a really fun time. In about 2 years, you won't be going much of anywhere...happily!

Keep having faith. This will be the hardest part. You will want to give up on faith. Big time. You will have a huge fight with God. You will pound your fists and scream. He won't let go. Your faith will grow. You will, eventually, be thankful for that season. Really.

You will learn that miracles still happen. Three of them so far. Yes. You will have three boys and they will come as miracles each and every time. You will LOVE being a boy mom...even when you are so tired you can't see straight at night.

You will learn that biology can have NOTHING to do with making a family. You will learn that you can love a child born of another woman as your very own...because he is your very own. This little boy will teach you lessons in love, patience, trains, flexibility, and neurological disorders (don't worry, it isn't as scary as it sounds). You will learn that adoption was never a plan B, it was just the plan. You will be just as happy about being a mom as you thought you would be...even when you sigh with relief when that child gets on the bus each day!

You will learn that your body hasn't actually failed you. Yes, you will think it has many times (see broken heart above), but you can have babies. You have two...one is trying to climb me right now. The other is still a tiny nugget (see why I recommend you sleep now above). All of your wondering about what your babies would look like? Well, you and Mark make beautiful babies...and they are a super cute combination of the two of you. God did good here.

Through it all you will have a rock. Mark will be there every step of the way. He will dry your tears, find furniture for you to sledgehammer (serious), he will be a voice of reason (so try to be nice). He will sing the sweetest songs to your boys, he will teach them "guy stuff", and one night in November in about 6 years he will push the performance capabilities of your minivan (yes, you have one) to get you to the hospital just in time to give birth. Go make him a big kiss. I will do that next, too.

You will make some of your best friends on this journey you are about to take. Friends that would have never found you otherwise. These girls will help you stay sane, make you laugh, and dry your tears. Go visit them!

Girl, this road is about to get crazy, but don't forget that life is beautiful. No, it won't look perfect from your direction. Heck, it doesn't look perfect from mine! But it does look beautiful. The crazy, messy kind of beautiful that will change you from you to me. It will be scary, but it will be worth it. Whatever happens, just don't give up, it will all be worth it someday.

Love,
Me

P.S. - Mom is right...you are totally brave!

Not So Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday. I feel like it probably should be since I have two little boys and I AM a Mother. But it just isn't.

Because for years it wasn't a good day for me and, even though I finally became a mother, I still get those feelings of disappointment for other women. And because I have had that disappointment again this year...my arms are holding fewer children than we expected for this Mother's Day.

And churches just make it worse. They really do.

To poorly hack from Dickens....Mother's Day is a poor excuse for churches to segregate women every second Sunday in May.

I am on the mailing list for a few churches and each has plans to segregate women in some way on Mother's Day all in the name of family. This is a holiday that isn't even a church holiday. Really, they could just ignore it and still be Bible following Christians. Instead, they will add to the hurt women face in the world by bringing it right through the door of the church.

Women shouldn't have to prove anything on Mother's Day. It will cause hurt. I can 100% assure you it will cause hurt if women are segregated at church on Mother's Day.

A couple ways this is true (just in case you are sure your church is one that segregates nicely)...

1. Mother's v. non-mothers -

• Some women are hurting and want to be mom's...please don't rub it in at church. These women may even have angel babies in heaven. These babies made them mom's. Give her a flower.
• Some women are mothers even if not in the biological family sense (example - I have a cousin who has never had "her own kids" but has run a daycare for decades...she has wiped more tears and rears than most moms...and I consider her to be one to "her kids"!). These women deserve flowers, too.
• Not all mom's have their babies in their arms. Isaac's birthmom is a mother. She always will be. She made pretty much the most self sacrificing decision I can think of to not parent him. She should be recognized, but she should have to point herself out. Just give her the flower.

2. Types of mothers -

Some churches seem to want to give extra attention to single mom's. I get this one, sort of. These women are definitely amazing for carrying the burden of raising kids alone. BUT, just because someone is married, doesn't mean she isn't in the same position. Many women are carrying this burden and could use some extra pampering because being married to a guy who isn't leading is really hard. In fact, give this woman two of something! And then what about the woman who is married to a pretty good guy but they feel called to have a stay at home mom so finances are pretty tight. She doesn't get that manicure because she has a husband? I bet she hasn't seen the inside of a salon in years. Bless this woman on Mother's Day, too, please.

And then there is another issue that makes this day hard...not all mothers are awesome. They are just not. So to say "everyone has a reason to celebrate Mother's Day because everyone has a mother" is pretty much a knife to the heart of the person who was abused by their mom. Please just don't say this. 

So I still avoid church on Mother's Day sometimes. I just can't bare to watch churches further wound these women than it would be so easy to bless.

My advice for church leaders? Keep it simple. Keep it small. Keep it universal. Don't make a woman prove her motherhood. This will do wonders for healing and blessing. 

If you do want to do a reading, I suggest the following. Again, it will be a path to healing and blessing and isn't that the point of the church?

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

 Reading Quoted From The Messy Middle

The Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. A week to highlight and bring awareness to the fact that 1 in 8 couples will be impacted by infertility. This is near and dear to my heart because we have suffered from infertility in various forms for several years. But last week I wasn't exactly sure what to write about and then I had the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever and I knew what to say (it just took a few more days to find the time!).  

Last Wednesday was my birthday. We had been planning a trip to visit my parents in Seattle, take the kids to the Coast, and a little hopeful house hunting for this Spring. It just worked out for scheduling for us to fly out on my birthday. So I was up at 4:20am on my birthday and on my way with my husband and boys for a cross country flight!

By the time the evening rolled around, even with a pretty good travel day, the boys were starting to melt down. Did I mention there is a 2 hour time change between home and the grandparents house? Yeah, that isn't easy for little boys.

My mom had planned to make my very favorite meal for my birthday dinner, followed by cookies, and presents!!

As soon as we sat down to eat Joel was done with the day. DONE. So I jumped back up and got him ready for bed. Took a bite of food as he had a bottle. Put him to bed. Came back out to eat and my brother had arrived with my new niece. Right as Isaac was done with the day. DONE. So I ate a bite, smiled at the baby, and got Isaac ready for bed. And had a bite of cookie, too!

And on it went until a full hour and half after dinner was started and my mom reheated my birthday dinner when I could finally take more than a bite at a time. And it was probably another hour before Isaac was finally asleep and I saw those presents.

So Worst Birthday Dinner Ever.

Except that it was the Best.

I have celebrated my birthday in Savannah, GA and Rome, Italy and some fancy pants restaurants near the White House.

But I didn't have boys for those dinners. Sure, the food was good (and hot) and I could sit still and enjoy it. But those dinners didn't come with Joel hugs and Isaac smiles. So they were not the Best.

As I got in bed on my birthday I thought about all of that and I wouldn't have given up my evening on Wednesday for anything. It was the Best Birthday Dinner Ever because I finally had those boys I had hoped and dreamed of for so long! They are what makes me birthdays bright and happy!

And I think I will always remember that evening as the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever!

5 Things Not to Say to a Woman Experiencing Secondary Infertility

Infertility is a hard to talk about. It is hard to be the person going through it and it is hard to be the people around the people going through it. It is a very sensitive time but there isn't an easy guide for what to say. So lots of people have written such guides. There are so many really good lists of things to NOT say to a person going through infertility. Since infertility affects about 10% of couples, these are list of things to not say to 10% of people. But not everyone feels comfortable sharing their infertility with a crowd so they really become lists of things not to say ever to anyone.

I loved those lists when we went through infertility the first time. And now we are at it again and the lists are falling short because they are primarily lists of things to not say to someone who has no kids. But what about people who have kids but want another. We get told our share of rude/insensitive/inappropriate things to and so here is my lists of things not to say to people like me...people with kid(s) who want more kid(s). And since you don't always know if someone wants more kids, the rule of not saying these things ever from above still applies.

1. Just adopt again! 
This is so similar to the "just adopt" we got the first go around. We actually did end up adopting our oldest child, but there was no "just" to the process. It was an emotional roller coaster that included very hard decisions, strangers investigating our lives, being chosen to be the parents of a baby, waiting for the baby's first parents to terminate their parental rights. It was HARD. This might bother me even more now that I have been through the process than it did before. If we decide to adopt again it will be our decision and don't cheapen my first born by assuming it is a easy way to get a baby.

2. It happened before.
I really want to answer this one with "read a statistics book". Given the multitude of reasons for infertility, one successful pregnancy does not mean you will have another. And I don't want to tell every person I met that, actually, I have had three failed pregnancies since I gave birth a year and a half ago. So just please don't say this.

3. Can't you be happy with the kids you have?
Oh, I am so so happy with the kids I have. They bring me joy each day. In fact, the joy they bring me is part of why I want more kids!! Please don't imply I am not enjoying these kids because I would like more. Nothing could be further from the truth.

4. Why would you even want more kids?
Yes, they bring me joy. Yes, they are a lot of work. Especially a three year old with a sensory disorder. There are days my limits are tested. But, you know what? Those limits changed a lot after my second and they will change again. The desire is in my heart and I WANT to rise to the occasion of taking care of more kids.

5. God doesn't think you can handle more kids?
No. Actually, we believe the size of our family is a desire from God. This comes across as people just wanting to play "the God card" and kinda makes me like Christians less. So, unless you are a VERY close friend who comes to me and tells me that God has specifically spoken to you about my family size, just don't go here.


Now, I am guessing a few people are thinking "well, gosh, what can I say to this woman?" Well, I am glad you wondered...

1. That must be really hard. 
Just acknowledge that going through this disappointment is hard and I may not always be at my most happy smiley self.

2. Can I babysit for your appointments? A date night?
Seriously, it is hard to balance the kids a mom has with trying to conceive. There can be appointments with doctors or adoption agencies that are hard to take kids to. Or maybe the couple just needs some time to be a couple or they just had a miscarriage and need some time to grieve alone. Just offering to help can make a woman feel like she has a village sharing her hearts burden.

3. I will be praying for you to see God's plan for expanding your family.
I covet the prayers of my friends. I am sure other woman do as well.

4. You are an awesome mom. I would love to see more kids like yours.
Affirmation is always helpful. Trust me. On days when my kids are crazy, I have all kinds of self doubt about my mothering abilities and I start to wonder if God thinks I am a good enough mom. Affirming a mom is ALWAYS a good idea.

5. I'm Sorry. 
Sometimes that is all that needs to said.

The beginning of bravery

We all like the idea of bravery. We see other people take a risk and think "that was really brave". Hollywood makes money off of showing us bravery. Disney knows the Prince needs to do something brave to win the heart of the princess (or, in the case of Frozen, the princess bravely chooses true love, still, Anna was brave!)

Yet in our own lives we don't always see our bravery. We call it something else. Crazy? Stupid? (In the first year of having two babies 20 months apart in age I often left my house with them to do something thinking "this is really brave or really stupid"!)

Or do we see acts of desperation where others might see acts of bravery? Does bravery occur because we feel we have no other option but to step out on that desperate path?

Let me give an example...when I graduated from college I was 21, had a degree in Economic Theory, and needed a job. The problem was that there wasn't a huge need for right out of college economist in my city. So I needed to relocate. I also knew that in person interviews were a good idea. And I was running out of money. All of this prompted me (especially that last part about money) to pack up and move from one side of the country to the other, without a job when I got there, to a city where I knew no one. I was desperate. From my point of view, there wasn't another good option. I packed up my few belongings and a grouchy cat in a Honda Civic and drove across the U. S. My plan did work, I had a job within a few weeks, but I had no guarantee of that at the time.

I have retold that story many times in the 11 years since I did it. Almost every time I have told it, the response has been "that was brave" and I kind of looked at people funny at first because I thought "no it wasn't, it was crazy, it was terrifying, it was desperate!"

That is just one story, I have lots more, where I felt totally desperate in the moment but when I look back I can see the bravery. Which makes me wonder "does bravery begin in desperation?"

Even if you go back to Prince Charming he fought the dragon because he was desperate to get the Princess not because it looked like fun. It is a silly example, but it works.

Are we willing to take the desperation to get the bravery? I hate feeling desperate, it is a place of vulnerability, but if I let it be a time of growth, bravery happens and then amazing things can happen.

That job I got? I left it three years later to start a company that contracted for my original employer. That company not only employed myself, it paid for my husband to get through college, and employed a few family members as well. GREAT things came of that desperate brave act of moving without a job.

I am starting to realize that I need to reframe my story. To look at events maybe as an outsider. To see what it looks like to be brave when I just feel desperate. And if I am going to reframe my past in the context of bravery, can I start to reframe my "now" as brave? Are the hard days of being in the Middle Life, of learning how to Thrive, really days of bravery? I started out this year wanting to Thrive in my Middle Life...even that was kind of a feeling of desperation. I mean, I was feeling kind of stuck so I decided I would Thrive because I didn't see another choice while I was here. But I am starting to feel brave! The little, and big, things I am doing to Thrive this year are acts of bravery, one step at a time. I am choosing to reframe the story starting in the now.

I like stories, so here is another one...We struggled with infertility for the first few years of our marriage. It was a hard road. It was a dark road.  It was a very desperate road. As we walked in our desperation it became clear that adoption was going to be the path for us. That road was also filled with desperate longing for a baby. We adopted our son in early 2012 and, if I let myself, I can still feel that desperation, but I can look back and see the bravery, too...we opened our hearts to the idea of bringing in this new baby. Providing a life he would not have otherwise had. I love that little boy with my whole heart. Our journey to him was desperate and brave and beautiful. And I am thankful today that I reached a point of desperation that led to the bravery of choosing adoption to grow our family. Without desperation, I wouldn't have Isaac.

So as I embrace Isaac, I want to remind myself to embrace the desperate times, but to look for the bravery, because it is there and that is the story I want to write. Starting now. Starting with the bravery of embracing, of Thriving in, the Middle Life.

And Then He Was Three

Three. A simple number. More than a couple, less than many.

In the world of ages, it seems to mark the separation between "baby" and "kid".

So my baby is now a kid. How did that happen?!? After the years of heartache and wondering when, how did we get all way to having a three year old?

Because God is good. God is good TO US.

I think if you ask any parent they would say that the time of the child's birthday brings back memories of when their child was born.

For me, with Isaac, this brings up a cacophony of feelings. Happiness, fear, joy, terror, love, disbelief, and so on. I can remember clearly sitting on my parent's couch the day before we flew across the county for Isaac's birth and crying... being desperately afraid that we were this.close to finally having a baby boy of our own and what if it didn't work? What if his birthmom wasn't really prepared to make this choice for her baby? And tears of joy because we were finally this.close to being parents!

There were days I felt like we were taking the low road through hell to get to a baby. And I would do it again in a heartbeat to get my precious Isaac. To be his mommy. To be his first Valentine. To be the one who dries his tears.

And because I know that God was always there. That God was in our story. That God is still in our story. That our family is exactly as it is supposed to be even though there were so many days I had no idea where the story was going. But God was faithful to us as we were faithful to Him.

The last three years have been amazing and challenging! I heard once that first children should be disposable so you can have one to learn on... that seems kind of mean... but I do have to apologize a lot as I figure out this mom thing!

And, finally, I can't write a blog post about Isaac being three without listing the wonderful things about Isaac... in no particular order....

• His intense spirit
• His contagious laugh
• His bright smile
• His beautiful brown skin
• His silly way of describing the world
• His creativity
• His love for his brother
• His happy heart
• His compassion for others

And so many more.

 

So, my baby is now three. My baby is a kid. But he will always be my baby!!!

Imperfect Progress

Imperfect Progress.

I read that phrase recently and it really stuck with me. I think a lot of progress actually works that way and it pretty much is what I am holding on to right now in my Middle Life.

I haven't had a lot to say recently. The last few weeks have been hard. Lots of thoughts in my head, but not a lot of them making even remotely close to enough sense to write down. I keep thinking "two steps forward, one step back...and I am in the one step back part."

Why? Because we lost another baby and when you get to miscarriage number six there isn't a whole lot left to say. And none of it is nice.

So I got to practice, again, focusing on the land of the living...but it was HARD. It was imperfect progress. It was crying myself to sleep, but still getting up to love on my boys. It was saying "why this AGAIN??" while still taking my little ones for a walk. It was my heart breaking for my lost baby at the same time I was smiling at my silly toddlers.

It was imperfect. But it was progress. Because I made it through. Because I didn't just say "I hate the Middle Life". Because I did my best. Each day. I know I did my best.

I actually lowered my personal expectations/plans/household chores quite a bit. I reminded myself (ok, fine, my dad reminded me) that sometimes just doing the next thing IS thriving.

Sometimes Thriving is just not giving up today.

And it is still progress. Beautiful, messy, imperfect progress.