Yet in our own lives we don't always see our bravery. We call it something else. Crazy? Stupid? (In the first year of having two babies 20 months apart in age I often left my house with them to do something thinking "this is really brave or really stupid"!)
Or do we see acts of desperation where others might see acts of bravery? Does bravery occur because we feel we have no other option but to step out on that desperate path?
Let me give an example...when I graduated from college I was 21, had a degree in Economic Theory, and needed a job. The problem was that there wasn't a huge need for right out of college economist in my city. So I needed to relocate. I also knew that in person interviews were a good idea. And I was running out of money. All of this prompted me (especially that last part about money) to pack up and move from one side of the country to the other, without a job when I got there, to a city where I knew no one. I was desperate. From my point of view, there wasn't another good option. I packed up my few belongings and a grouchy cat in a Honda Civic and drove across the U. S. My plan did work, I had a job within a few weeks, but I had no guarantee of that at the time.
I have retold that story many times in the 11 years since I did it. Almost every time I have told it, the response has been "that was brave" and I kind of looked at people funny at first because I thought "no it wasn't, it was crazy, it was terrifying, it was desperate!"
That is just one story, I have lots more, where I felt totally desperate in the moment but when I look back I can see the bravery. Which makes me wonder "does bravery begin in desperation?"
Even if you go back to Prince Charming he fought the dragon because he was desperate to get the Princess not because it looked like fun. It is a silly example, but it works.
Are we willing to take the desperation to get the bravery? I hate feeling desperate, it is a place of vulnerability, but if I let it be a time of growth, bravery happens and then amazing things can happen.
That job I got? I left it three years later to start a company that contracted for my original employer. That company not only employed myself, it paid for my husband to get through college, and employed a few family members as well. GREAT things came of that
I am starting to realize that I need to reframe my story. To look at events maybe as an outsider. To see what it looks like to be brave when I just feel desperate. And if I am going to reframe my past in the context of bravery, can I start to reframe my "now" as brave? Are the hard days of being in the Middle Life, of learning how to Thrive, really days of bravery? I started out this year wanting to Thrive in my Middle Life...even that was kind of a feeling of desperation. I mean, I was feeling kind of stuck so I decided I would Thrive because I didn't see another choice while I was here. But I am starting to feel brave! The little, and big, things I am doing to Thrive this year are acts of bravery, one step at a time. I am choosing to reframe the story starting in the now.
I like stories, so here is another one...We struggled with infertility for the first few years of our marriage. It was a hard road. It was a dark road. It was a very desperate road. As we walked in our desperation it became clear that adoption was going to be the path for us. That road was also filled with desperate longing for a baby. We adopted our son in early 2012 and, if I let myself, I can still feel that desperation, but I can look back and see the bravery, too...we opened our hearts to the idea of bringing in this new baby. Providing a life he would not have otherwise had. I love that little boy with my whole heart. Our journey to him was desperate and brave and beautiful. And I am thankful today that I reached a point of desperation that led to the bravery of choosing adoption to grow our family. Without desperation, I wouldn't have Isaac.
So as I embrace Isaac, I want to remind myself to embrace the desperate times, but to look for the bravery, because it is there and that is the story I want to write. Starting now. Starting with the bravery of embracing, of Thriving in, the Middle Life.
In Daring Greatly Berne Brown writes about what vulnerability looks like. She can add this to her list. Vulnerability looks like being willing to admit you feel desperate. Great post.
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