The Goodness of God

 

I have long enjoyed the song “The Goodness of God”. I love the idea reminder that God is ALWAYS faithful, and ALWAYS good and ALWAYS running after me. Especially when it is hard to see tangible reminders. So, I sing the song to remember anyway.

Four years ago I was standing in church singing this song with tears just streaming down my face. I could barely get the words out. I KNEW that God was good, that God had been good to me, but in that season I was struggling to see the good. It was one of those seasons that I knew was hard when I was in it, but I couldn’t fully grasp how hard it truly was until I looked back. But there I was singing the song because I KNEW in my heart it was true, and I so desperately needed to know that the goodness of God was running after me. One of the main reasons I was clinging to the promise of this song in that season was because of intense challenges with Peter, which is going to be important in a minute.

And then sometimes the goodness of God shows up in ways that you just can’t miss.

Saturday night I had the delightful opportunity of taking Peter out on a date! We planned it all week. Peter wanted to wear fancy clothes and go to the fancy mall….and eat at Panda Express (not so fancy). We dropped off his brothers and off we went for our adventure. Peter and I had the best few hours. We ate yummy food and ice cream, we bought Legos, we rode the escalators AND the elevators. The entire time I was thinking “I never dreamed of this”. Never in my dreams for Peter 4 years ago in that hard season did I think that we would have a normal outing to the mall when he was 7. Never did I think he could read all the signs we passed in the stores. Never did I think he would look at the mall map and find our way through the mall. And there we were in this space where I could all but reach out and touch the goodness of God.

Like I knew, that the song was true that even when I couldn’t see it; the goodness of God is always running after me. I had no way of knowing that within months of that darkest night when I was crying in church that Peter’s vision would miraculously improve. I had no way of knowing that God was about to do even more than I thought to ask that Sunday in church. We didn’t deserve it. We didn’t even ask. But God was always holding us in his hands and his goodness was always running after us.

Sunday morning, we went to church and I bet you can guess the song we sang? OF COURSE, it was “The Goodness of God” because God also just likes to wink at me like that. I thought I would cry when I heard the opening chords, but I never did. I just sang and sang with the biggest smile on my face! His goodness is still running after me.

 

Show Jesus, Make Cookies

"....there’s something transformational about showing love to someone without all the glitter and spotlights. The people who understand this make joy their reward."

I read that last week in Live in Grace, Walk in Love by Bob Goff. The first person that popped in to my mind was my Gram. Honestly, she has been close to the front of my mind a lot recently. Today would have been her 89th birthday, and it is her first birthday she is celebrating in heaven. I miss her a lot. I thought you missed someone less with time. I miss her more with time.

She taught me so much about the best ways to live. The best ways to show Jesus. The simple ways to show Jesus. She loved simply. She loved, as most people remember her, with cookies. There isn't a lot of glitter in cookies, but they sure taste yummy, and yummy cookies make people smile. It was that simple.

And she had joy. I think of the song that goes "joy unspeakable and full of glory". That was Gram. She was always singing about joy. She knew the secret (that really shouldn't be a secret) that joy IS the reward. The more we love, the more joy we have. Talk about a gift with a high return on investment.

I want to show that kind of love. I want to help others see Jesus. I like the idea of a joyful reward. So, I have been baking a lot more cookies. It really is that simple.

Thanks for lesson, Gram. See you in heaven.

Everything's Not Awesome

I don’t know about your house, but mine has been taken over by all things Lego Movie 2. My older two boys have seen the movie, we have the Lego's (yay, marketing!), we listen to the songs every.single.day. You could say it is the “thing” of the moment around here.

There is a song in the movie that is supposed to get stuck in your head. It literally has the line “this song is going to get stuck inside your head”. However, that is not the song that got stuck in mine. Right now, I am in the middle of preparing to speak to a group of moms about motherhood. I am not totally sure I feel like I am the right person for the job but last week my mom said “why not? You are THIRTY-FIVE and have FOUR kids”. Thanks for the reminder, mom! So, as I think about motherhood, I keep thinking about a song from the Lego Movie 2.

It starts out with:

Everything's not awesome

Everything's not cool

I am so depressed

Everything's not awesome

Motherhood right now, anyone? Winter. Snow. Kids you can’t send outside. Health issues. Marriage in close quarters. Anyone? Please tell me I am not alone. I already wrote last month about given up. This is a rough season around here.

BUT that is not where the song ends and it isn’t how we have to live. It doesn’t have to be either totally awesome or totally not awesome. The song goes on (and this is the part I love)…

“Everything's not awesome

Things can't be awesome all of the time

It's an unrealistic expectation”

Did you catch it? Read it again. “Things can’t be awesome all of the time, that is an unrealistic expectation.” I 100% agree with that statement. It just isn’t how life works and if we want it to always be awesome we are going to be disappointed and that won’t feel awesome so we will be disappointed in our disappointed feelings and it becomes a WHOLE NOT AWESOME THING. GIVE UP! GO BACK TO BED! DON’T EVEN BOTHER WITH HAIR OR CLEAN PANTS. EVERYTHING IS NOT AWESOME!

STOP.

Read the next lines…

“But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try

To make everything awesome

In a less idealistic kind of way”

Oh, well, that is a different approach. We could try to make what we can awesome. We can just try our best. We can still try to be our best selves. We can wear clean pants. We can fix our hair pretty. We can get up before our kids to have some quiet space (I will harp on this until the day I die. It is my thing. Not even sorry.) We can try in a less idealistic kind of way. It won’t all be awesome. It just won’t. We don’t live in that made up world. We live here in the messy middle life. But we can still try to influence our families and world for good (or, for awesome) when and where we can.

And some days we need the last line of this verse….

“We should maybe aim for not bad

'Cause not bad right now would be real great”

Some days are going to be just shooting for “not bad”. Some days your husband will be out of town, and you will wake up to the sound of vomit, and then your husband’s flight will be delayed and you will end up sounding like Oprah after school…You get a Kindle and You get a Kindle and YOU get a Kindle and YOU get a snack and YOU get candy! And just give mommy a few minutes to pee alone! So we aim for not bad and that is real great right now.  We cut ourselves the slack we would cut our girlfriends and we make it through a less idealistic version of our day but feel awesome because we made it to bed that night.

One final point. The bridge of the song shares an idea of how to pull this less idealistic version of awesome off…”We can make things better if we stick together, side by side, you and I, we will build it together…”. Together. In community. Together with our spouse we can build an awesome family. Together with our friends we can build an awesome village. Going it alone rarely works. We can and need to depend on others. I ask my husband for help. We work together when things are not awesome to figure out how to get back to some version of awesome. We have even sought out help to do that. I have spent pretty much the entirety of my children’s lives seeking other mom’s (of all ages) to do this together. I support them and they support me. Building it together will ALWAYS make it more awesome!

So go be awesome, whatever that looks like, today!

Fifteen years later

Today is March 19^th. A day that always sticks in my mind.

I graduated from college on March 19^th.

Fifteen years ago.

Wait? What? How did that happen?

Honestly, I was a little shocked when I looked at the date today.

I can still remember the day. I walked out of the college of social sciences and in to the sun. The world felt really, really big. I felt really, really small. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next but I do remember being very ready to be done with college.

But I didn’t just feel small. I felt like I was on the edge of something. The next few months would be my steps to what life would bring next.

Spoiler alert…it went almost NOTHING like I had planned!

Oh, I did a lot of the things I said I was going to do…but just as many didn’t happen. The biggest things that have happened in the last 15 years were not even in my wildest dreams (or nightmares, as the case may be, but mostly dreams). I did go to work in Washington, DC. I did do R&D for the government. I never did get that PhD I was heading for. I don’t live anywhere near Washington, DC now. I don’t spend my days using my college degree in the way I had intended.

BUT, I would like to think that the things I did end up doing were the ones that mattered and I know I am right where I am supposed to be (even if some days that isn’t nearly as glamorous as my original plan).

Of my plans when I left college, the ones that I have fulfilled the most are the ones regarding relationships rather than career. That feels good. What I ended up doing have been things that matter and here are a few of them…

1. I married a great guy.

2. We adopted an amazing son.

3. Through heartache, I learned a way to help others.

4. I owned a company that allowed my family to move forward in many ways.

5. I spend my days pouring my life into my four kids.

6. I am raising a child with unique abilities to be the best world changer he can be.

7. I have found a path to encourage and inspire other women in their roles as women, wives, and mothers.

Today is another sunny March 19^th. I took my almost 2-year-old daughter for a walk on the shores of Lake Washington today. Not where I planned to be, probably not who I planned to be with (the kids were all supposed to be in school by now in my plans 😊). I thought a lot about the journey and the destination. The journey has been good. The destination, unexpected, but still good…and I still have a lot of journey left to go.

In another 15 years I will be almost fifty-one. My daughter will be almost 17 years old. We may take a walk that day. She probably won’t cry about leaving the playground. I hope that on that day I stop to think about the journey. I hope I can say those years have been just as fulfilling for relationships as the last 15 years. I hope I can say I am still right where I am supposed to be.

Giving up to make it through

The last few weeks have had circumstances that individually would have made life challenging. But these were not nicely lining up and waiting their turn, no, these circumstances were all punching at once. One friend asked how I was doing and I replied with “slowly losing the will to survive.” It was dramatic, of course, but I just could not get above the hits. Because I struggle with chronic depression, I am very careful about becoming overwhelmed. I have a lot of built in stops and self-care to manage my mental health. I couldn’t even access a good number of those given the circumstances.

One thing that I know about myself is that my first reaction to struggle is to try harder. This is almost a part of my DNA. I was raised by people with this attitude and I was raised in a culture of this attitude. Not only do I try harder on whatever is going on, if that isn’t possible, I try harder in other areas to hope to compensate in the area where I feel stuck. My most recent example of this was actually during the last week. I was literally stuck at home (too much snow to leave) with a sick baby and two other kids and I was sick myself. So what did I do? I finished painting Isaac’s room. No joke. I figured that even if everything else fell apart, I would have one thing accomplished. Truthfully, it did feel good and it helped me later in the week to have that done. So I won’t say I shouldn’t have done it, but it does sound funny to say I did that in the midst of all that was going on.

Sometimes when I am in these places, though, I end up creating extra work or anxiety just to feel like I am “doing something”. Last week, I tried a different approach to see if it would help with anxiety and mental health. I gave up.

I came up with the idea when I was thinking about the military term “embrace the suck”. The idea there is that you can’t change your circumstances, so embrace them and get through them, rather than fighting against it as you go. I couldn’t change the snow. I couldn’t change my child being sick. I couldn’t change myself being sick. I couldn’t change being “on” all the time. I couldn’t change my husband being out of town. And, really, there wasn’t much to do.

Normally in that time I would find something to do, and I did in the painting, but that didn’t take long. So I would turn to “well I can read and study for work I have coming up”. But this time I didn’t do that. I decided to give up on it all and read a novel. Just lose myself in a book as much as I could. Let the kids watch TV and sit next to them and read.

I started to think maybe I needed to give up to make it through. I had a mental picture of Devil’s Snare from Harry Potter….that struggling could actually make it worse. That I just needed to relax everything to get out of this space. I stopped reading non-fiction and finished 3 books last week. I didn’t make a real planned dinner for over a week. And this season of circumstances is still not over, but I do feel like I am making it. I can do this. Our routine will reemerge in the coming weeks. All the tasks will get done. My kids will eat regular dinners again. I will get my work and study done. But for now I am going to go read a book.

Falling apart and what happens next

Many people tell me that they are amazed at my calm and humor and grace in the middle of life as the mom of the Bennett crew. And, because I am working on not having a self-depreciating attitude, I will say that they are right. I am good at generally keeping it together in what is a pretty high stress mothering environment.

That doesn’t mean I don’t fall apart sometimes. Sometimes I fall apart in a big big way. It would probably be a bad sign if I stopped falling apart because there are days life is seriously awful and if I wasn’t falling apart it would be because I had stopped feeling anything at all. So sometimes I do fall epically apart. Mostly in private because of my personality, but sometimes even in public I just lose it.

I had a such a day two weeks ago.  It had been a rough 24 hours with our oldest son. It was time to get to the bus and he wasn’t having it. His anxiety and disruptive behaviors were at a premium. It took the whole village that is my neighborhood to get him on the bus. I had no idea what I was going to do if he didn’t get on that bus. I was panicked. When the bus doors finally close, with him safely on board, I broke down in tears. My neighbors gave me hugs. I cried all the way (super late) to my double preschool drop offs. I cried through drop offs. I cried clear through the Starbucks drive thru window.

What happened next, though, is the important part. I stopped crying. I did my next things and while I did, I started to deconstruct the morning. I asked myself a lot of questions. What triggered the child? What made me feel the most upset? What could have changed? What couldn’t change? Where could I call in some resources? Who could help me? And with those questions I started to create an action plan. A plan of people to call, places to go, a plan of what I was going to do for my own spirit after it had been so totally stomped on that morning.

With those thoughts, the clouds in my head and my heart started to clear. My soul was coming back to where it should be. To be honest, the problem wasn’t solved. I had no clear answers or promises that this wouldn’t happen again. Getting the answers to my questions and getting a plan in place took a few days of hard work, and it took some not taking no for an answer.

All the while I still was doing my regular next things of parenting and life. The taking a deep breath, the thinking through the events, the analysis and refocus, those I would argue are the healthy result of falling apart. Now, it would have been easier to give up on that day. To go home and eat a bunch of junk comfort food and watch a movie or bury myself in a book. Those are the not healthy responses to falling apart, those responses take you from falling apart over one thing to a life falling apart and a depressed spirit, if I may be so bold as to say.

We don’t have to put on a wonder woman face to the world, we don’t have to have it 100% together, we can, and should, fall apart sometimes. Where we go from there, though, can have a huge impact on our souls. So, I will keep falling apart AND I will keep putting myself back together. Hopefully an even better version, a wiser and new lesson learned version, of myself.

My Happy Shoes

These are my Happy Shoes.

I got these shoes for Christmas...as in I saw them in the store and thought they were so perfect that I bought them and had Mark give them to me for Christmas.

I call these my Happy Shoes because they literally add to my happiness every time I wear them.

I wear my Happy Shoes when it is gray outside and I am happier.

I wear my Happy Shoes when I have to advocate for my special needs son...again...and they add some happy.

I wear my Happy Shoes when I need to drop off 3 boys for 3 schools and life feels crazy and I can look down and think "but at least I have Happy Shoes."

I wear my Happy Shoes on days when it is really hard to get out of bed. When I feel like I might cry all day. When I feel like it is hard to breath. When I just can't be me for one more day. Then I slip in to my Happy Shoes and somehow a tiny voice says "You can do this. Look at how cute your shoes are."

I need Happy Shoes because I struggle with depression. Sometime no matter what is going on, and sometimes because of what is going on, my brain just struggles. I haven't felt clinically depressed in about 5 years, but I struggle regularly with what I call my "pre depressed feeling", maybe "the blues" or "the duldrums", but I know when I am there that I need to take action. I need to act my way to a better place. This is actually fairly impossible for a person in a real state of depression, but where I am, in my "pre depression", I have a tool box of actions that can help me. And one of those tools is to wear my Happy Shoes. And so I do and so it helps my brain.

But why bring them up today?

Well, those "Happy Shoes" are by designer Kate Spade. It shook me to my core this week to know that the amazingly talented woman who made my Happy Shoes struggled so much that she couldn't see a way to keep going, so she didn't, she stopped living. I cried. Not because I knew her, but because without her making my Happy Shoes, I would have one less tool to fight against this demon. She helped me in my fight and she didn't even know. She was struggling in a fight. Did anyone know? Who else is struggling? Does anyone see? These are big questions. We have to start answering them.

I will continue to wear my Happy Shoes. They are a part of my tool box. I will wear them to help my own mind and I will wear them as a reminder to always be looking out for those around me who are struggling.

On draining and recharging

I spent a weekend recently on an AMAZING trip away to New York City. It was exactly what my spirit needed in this crazy middle of life. I needed to be away to get renewed to come home and be a better mommy, wife, and human.

I was recharging a VERY empty battery. Not until I was away did I even realize just how soul crushingly tired I had been. I would have told you I was that tired, but until I was really starting to recharge, I didn’t even grasp the full magnitude of the problem.

As I was recharging, I was thinking about what I needed to do to not get to that place again, because, really, mommy can’t just run off to the city very often! The goal becomes staying charged up to a healthy level all the time. I think this is where we could have a long talk on self care routines, but that isn’t the point here because I realized something else as well.

Part of knowing more about your battery, is knowing what is draining it. When our cell phone battery is continually draining quickly we start to charge it more. This is a good practice, but to really solve the problem we actually need to know why it is draining so quickly. There is a part of the phone that shows how much of the battery is used by each app and we learn that not all apps use the same amount of battery. Ah-ha! Our lives are like this as well. Not all our roles use the same amount of battery. Some things just take a lot more out of us than others. Honestly, I think we all get that on some level, but there is a part of it that women really seem to struggle with.

Here is the biggie….not all apps drain all batteries the same. I have an example. My aunt’s phone battery was draining fast, so she checked the battery usage and found a particular app draining the resources. I had the same app on my phone and it wasn’t doing the same thing. Interesting. Same app. Different phone. Different battery drain. See where I am going with this? In our lives we look around and see someone else doing similar things and they are not feeling like their soul is sucked dry so we think “I am weak because this is killing my spirit.” NO! Our souls are all individually wired and have different capacity for different things. Maybe one woman is amazing with several kids, while another mom is at her limit with one. Maybe one woman finds housework a joy, and another it is the hardest part of her life. Maybe some women just have an oversized capacity in general and can “do it all” with grace. We just can’t compare. It does no good. My aunt comparing her phone and mine does no actual good to her battery power. If she wants more power, she has to deal with the battery she has and the apps she is running.

So goes our lives. We need to be assessing within ourselves, without comparison, what our battery usage looks like, what is draining it, how quickly it recharges. All without judgement on ourselves or others. It is quite possible that you just have to delete an app. It takes too much energy that isn’t worth it. Maybe it is a change in lifestyle. Maybe it is cooking less or outsourcing cleaning. I firmly believe this is why some women do better with working full time and having their kids in some kind of child care (that kid app can be exhausting if it runs all.the.time!). It could be giving up the dream of homeschooling because that one certain kid is a battery drain. The only one who knows is you. No one else.

I have been taking this week back home to think about some of these things. Where is my drain? What does my recharge look like? How often do I need to plug in? Back to self-care for a minute, what charges my battery in different amounts of time? All of these questions I am still answering for myself are going to be the key to keeping my soul at a healthy level of charged so I can be the thriving person I want to be.

My Happy Basket

This week I put together a “happy basket”. A little basket of things that I can easily reach for that help my happy levels.  I can keep this basket by my bed, or bring it downstairs during quiet time, and have a selection of things that just boost my mood close at hand.

I spent some time thinking about things that make me feel happier. These are often spread around my house so I don’t think about them right away when I am feeling low. Placing them all in the basket, gives me a go to spot to help my mood. I have helped my son create a “toolbox” of things that help him when he is anxious, I figure mommy can have one, too!

So what is in it? I am glad you asked!

I started with a very small basket because I wanted to be really selective of what I included. If the basket was too big, it would be tempting to fill it with just anything.

First up, of course, is my Kindle reader! I mostly read on my phone, but there is something more relaxing about my reader. It is more focused reading (read: it doesn’t have Facebook or Pinterest).

Then I added a book of 5 minute mommy meditations. This book has great tools for meditating in short times, which, honestly, is all I have!

I included a favorite candle. This one might be hard to use because kids, but just opening it and smelling it brings me joy.

There is a notepad and a colored pen. I love colored pens. A notepad is for all the ideas that pop in to my head. And for brain dumping things that need to just get out of my head!

I received a charcoal mask for Christmas, so I put that in because I know it will be relaxing and bring joy. It would never get used if left in a drawer. I think I will try to keep something like this as a “revolving” item. A little beauty product or pampering thing.

This basket also holds tissues. Because sometimes the best way back to happy is right through the middle of a solid cry. I can’t count the number of times I have held it together until naptime and then sat down and let it all out. My days can include some intense moments. Crying is just another way back to where I need to be. Then, when I am done crying, I head to the last item in the basket….

The last item might be the most important. It is a little bag that holds chocolate. But, shhh! My family doesn’t know this. I don’t open this when anyone is around. It is just a little “mommy pick me up”. Sometimes I keep a bag of M&M’s, sometime it is truffles or something else I have picked up.

This basket is just a small set of things that bring me back to a better level of happy. That add joy when I am down. That provide that little lift to keep going. A little basket of things that says life will be ok, that mommy will make it another day, that there are little bits of joy in the day. I just have to look for them…right here in my happy basket.

This Goal is for Me

I am a New Year goal maker. I know a lot of people are jaded about starting new resolutions or life changes or goals in January. I don’t really care that it is cliché. While, yes, it is just “another day”, it is one that can be easily marked. In recent years, my “reset” days have often been with the birth of a new baby, also easily marked, but I am past that season so I am sticking with New Year’s for this round.

Actually, I did a lot of thinking about my “goals” over the last several weeks. Many of them could also be viewed as just a matter of intentional living. They outlined how I wanted to be mindful and purposeful with how I spent my time. It was certainly a good list of my priorities. The list included such things as “build deeper relationships”, “continually update baby books”, “live within our budget”. All good things, but not quite “goals” as I have been thinking of them recently.

Then I watched a video awhile back by Jon Acuff, this was hard for me, as my husband would tell you, I don’t like to watch anything. But it was about stay at home mom’s (I think) and doing ONE thing well. That you don’t need a huge list of goals. That raising kids could just be the ONE thing you are doing really well today (or trying to, because let’s be real, parenting is HARD).

So I started thinking about ONE thing. What was a one thing I could focus on for this year? Yes, I raise my kids (my long term goals include “raising decent humans” – time frame 18+ years), but was there one goal that could be mine as April rather than all my other roles?  I thought and prayed about it.

Then it came to me. Also on my long term goals is writing a book so I need a habit of writing. Or maybe even the writings I could come up with would slowly become a book. At any rate, writing started to be my goal. I actually love to write, so this was definitely one that would be an April goal. It would also be a stretch because I have 4 small kids so time isn’t exactly hanging off my hands.

I didn’t want to just say ‘write something’. That was too vague. I wanted something that was definable and could be checked off, so to speak. I would know when it was done. So my goal is to write 500 words a week. About what? That will be a surprise to all of us! I am giving myself the freedom to write this on my blog, as a long Thriving in the Middle Life FB post, as a journal entry. So long as 100 words are together, I will accumulate them towards my 500 for the week.

The math says this is 26,000 words. A quick check on Google says a 200 page book is about 55,000 words. Looks like I will be off to a good habit and start towards that book.

What are your goals this year? Do you have a big one? Several small ones for intentional living? I would love to hear about them.

And just in case anyone was wondering….this was 558 words. Week one done!

Brave: A Pep Talk, Of Sorts...

I have a thing about bravery. I guess you could say I have been studying the idea of bravery this year.

This year has required some bravery. Not the easy peasy looking movie version...the REAL version: The sleepless nights, endless thinking about possibilities, crying on the shower floor, real deal bravery.

And, well, sometimes often frequently I fall off my own wagon. I just hit on the despair and can't get to the bravery of just moving through a life that is a bit hard right now.

So I needed a pep talk last week. I was feeling miserable about a lot of things and had to really stop and really think "what is the brave answer?". And a few things came to mind...my own visual pep talk..before I settled on the brave answer that day.

I figure if I post them all here, I can revisit this pep talk as needed this summer. Seriously, it will be needed.

First, one of my favorite songs. I keep this loaded on my phone for a quick reminder...

(There is a music video version, but honestly, I don't get it)

And then I read this Bible verse...

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.- 2 Timothy 1:7

I love that verse for bravery. Sometimes I am fearful of just life and I need the reminder that I have been given a spirit far beyond fear.

God then used my brother in a crazy way for my pep talk. My birthday was 2 months ago but on the day I needed this bravery reminder...well, a birthday present came from my brother...

A "be brave" bracelet!!

And finally, a post from one of my favorite authors and random Facebook post writers, Jon Acuff!

Bravery is a choice, not a feeling.
Posted by Jon Acuff on Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Once I had gone through all of those, I could think about my question...

"what is the brave next step?"

and I found one.

Not a perfect answer to all of life's current problems but an answer of what would brave look like for that day. And that tiny start of movement from desperate to brave started to move again in my soul and that was enough.

Be Brave.

The Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. A week to highlight and bring awareness to the fact that 1 in 8 couples will be impacted by infertility. This is near and dear to my heart because we have suffered from infertility in various forms for several years. But last week I wasn't exactly sure what to write about and then I had the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever and I knew what to say (it just took a few more days to find the time!).  

Last Wednesday was my birthday. We had been planning a trip to visit my parents in Seattle, take the kids to the Coast, and a little hopeful house hunting for this Spring. It just worked out for scheduling for us to fly out on my birthday. So I was up at 4:20am on my birthday and on my way with my husband and boys for a cross country flight!

By the time the evening rolled around, even with a pretty good travel day, the boys were starting to melt down. Did I mention there is a 2 hour time change between home and the grandparents house? Yeah, that isn't easy for little boys.

My mom had planned to make my very favorite meal for my birthday dinner, followed by cookies, and presents!!

As soon as we sat down to eat Joel was done with the day. DONE. So I jumped back up and got him ready for bed. Took a bite of food as he had a bottle. Put him to bed. Came back out to eat and my brother had arrived with my new niece. Right as Isaac was done with the day. DONE. So I ate a bite, smiled at the baby, and got Isaac ready for bed. And had a bite of cookie, too!

And on it went until a full hour and half after dinner was started and my mom reheated my birthday dinner when I could finally take more than a bite at a time. And it was probably another hour before Isaac was finally asleep and I saw those presents.

So Worst Birthday Dinner Ever.

Except that it was the Best.

I have celebrated my birthday in Savannah, GA and Rome, Italy and some fancy pants restaurants near the White House.

But I didn't have boys for those dinners. Sure, the food was good (and hot) and I could sit still and enjoy it. But those dinners didn't come with Joel hugs and Isaac smiles. So they were not the Best.

As I got in bed on my birthday I thought about all of that and I wouldn't have given up my evening on Wednesday for anything. It was the Best Birthday Dinner Ever because I finally had those boys I had hoped and dreamed of for so long! They are what makes me birthdays bright and happy!

And I think I will always remember that evening as the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever!

The beginning of bravery

We all like the idea of bravery. We see other people take a risk and think "that was really brave". Hollywood makes money off of showing us bravery. Disney knows the Prince needs to do something brave to win the heart of the princess (or, in the case of Frozen, the princess bravely chooses true love, still, Anna was brave!)

Yet in our own lives we don't always see our bravery. We call it something else. Crazy? Stupid? (In the first year of having two babies 20 months apart in age I often left my house with them to do something thinking "this is really brave or really stupid"!)

Or do we see acts of desperation where others might see acts of bravery? Does bravery occur because we feel we have no other option but to step out on that desperate path?

Let me give an example...when I graduated from college I was 21, had a degree in Economic Theory, and needed a job. The problem was that there wasn't a huge need for right out of college economist in my city. So I needed to relocate. I also knew that in person interviews were a good idea. And I was running out of money. All of this prompted me (especially that last part about money) to pack up and move from one side of the country to the other, without a job when I got there, to a city where I knew no one. I was desperate. From my point of view, there wasn't another good option. I packed up my few belongings and a grouchy cat in a Honda Civic and drove across the U. S. My plan did work, I had a job within a few weeks, but I had no guarantee of that at the time.

I have retold that story many times in the 11 years since I did it. Almost every time I have told it, the response has been "that was brave" and I kind of looked at people funny at first because I thought "no it wasn't, it was crazy, it was terrifying, it was desperate!"

That is just one story, I have lots more, where I felt totally desperate in the moment but when I look back I can see the bravery. Which makes me wonder "does bravery begin in desperation?"

Even if you go back to Prince Charming he fought the dragon because he was desperate to get the Princess not because it looked like fun. It is a silly example, but it works.

Are we willing to take the desperation to get the bravery? I hate feeling desperate, it is a place of vulnerability, but if I let it be a time of growth, bravery happens and then amazing things can happen.

That job I got? I left it three years later to start a company that contracted for my original employer. That company not only employed myself, it paid for my husband to get through college, and employed a few family members as well. GREAT things came of that desperate brave act of moving without a job.

I am starting to realize that I need to reframe my story. To look at events maybe as an outsider. To see what it looks like to be brave when I just feel desperate. And if I am going to reframe my past in the context of bravery, can I start to reframe my "now" as brave? Are the hard days of being in the Middle Life, of learning how to Thrive, really days of bravery? I started out this year wanting to Thrive in my Middle Life...even that was kind of a feeling of desperation. I mean, I was feeling kind of stuck so I decided I would Thrive because I didn't see another choice while I was here. But I am starting to feel brave! The little, and big, things I am doing to Thrive this year are acts of bravery, one step at a time. I am choosing to reframe the story starting in the now.

I like stories, so here is another one...We struggled with infertility for the first few years of our marriage. It was a hard road. It was a dark road.  It was a very desperate road. As we walked in our desperation it became clear that adoption was going to be the path for us. That road was also filled with desperate longing for a baby. We adopted our son in early 2012 and, if I let myself, I can still feel that desperation, but I can look back and see the bravery, too...we opened our hearts to the idea of bringing in this new baby. Providing a life he would not have otherwise had. I love that little boy with my whole heart. Our journey to him was desperate and brave and beautiful. And I am thankful today that I reached a point of desperation that led to the bravery of choosing adoption to grow our family. Without desperation, I wouldn't have Isaac.

So as I embrace Isaac, I want to remind myself to embrace the desperate times, but to look for the bravery, because it is there and that is the story I want to write. Starting now. Starting with the bravery of embracing, of Thriving in, the Middle Life.

It was...a day!

(I have been working on a deep blog post for several days, it isn't quite done, but this one was in my head today, so here it is....)

Marriage speaker Mark Gungor once said if you ask a man how his day was he will look back and the box could be empty already and he will say "ummm, it was...a day!". But a woman will tell you every. little. detail.

Sometimes, though, I look back and all I can say was "that was...a day" because I can't even believe all of what transpired in that day. Some days I am sure I have lived a whole week since I got up in the morning!! But, I can't even repeat it because it was so overwhelming, so I just say to myself "well, that was A DAY".

Today was one of those days.

I woke up feeling overwhelmed and then spent my day putting out fires and having new reasons to feel overwhelmed....

...starting a new business and all the little details of trying to have a kick off.

...taking my son to the doctor and dealing with billing problems (this one was resolved by other people today. YAY!) and then getting some heavy information about the kiddo during the appointment (thanking God that I have a HUGE support team to turn to to sort stuff out with).

....volunteering to make FORTY rice crispy straw bales for preschool tomorrow (the volunteering was done weeks ago, I was crazy).

...sending my kids out to play and having the 3 year old throw the 1 year old's glasses over the fence! (trying to be thankful he told me what he did!)

...and realizing as I got the toddler ready for bed that we were both still wearing HIS breakfast on ourselves (my shirt, his hair).

But it was still a day. Just one out of many, right? Now, that was a lot to take in and I wanted to run and hide a few times (and I did cry once) but it was just a day.

Now we are at the end. And there were victories...getting the glasses back (breaking and entering, yes, but whatever), finding the right support after the doctor visit, and the straw bales are ready!

It was just a day. Days happen. Some are crazy but I need to remember to let them stay in their day, not to add or borrow to another day, just have one day.

So tomorrow is a whole new day, with whole new mercies, and I have no doubt there will be a whole new kid story, but let's not worry about it yet, ok?

Sleep well because it was just a day!

Shelf Life

I crave organization in my life and sometimes the Middle Life is not the most organized place one can be. There are often many things that are so up in the air my entire life feels disorganized.

So I create organization! My house is my best place for this, With two little boys, toys galore, clothes being outgrown, a love of kitchen gadgets, and a home office there is pretty much always a little corner that could use some organization.

Recently, the top shelf of the least used cupboard in my kitchen has been driving me nuts (and trying to kill me - things often fall out of it on to my head!). It looked a lot like this:

All of those things are related to baking or kid art stuff.

One of my problems in taking on this space was the desire to not spend a lot of money. So I made a few of my organizers. The process is fun and adds a pop of color:

I was going to try to do this for all of the boxes, but I was getting impatient waiting for just the right sizes so I bought a couple things.

And now it looks like this...

And I am happy. And being happy is part of Thriving in the Middle Life!!

Imperfect Progress

Imperfect Progress.

I read that phrase recently and it really stuck with me. I think a lot of progress actually works that way and it pretty much is what I am holding on to right now in my Middle Life.

I haven't had a lot to say recently. The last few weeks have been hard. Lots of thoughts in my head, but not a lot of them making even remotely close to enough sense to write down. I keep thinking "two steps forward, one step back...and I am in the one step back part."

Why? Because we lost another baby and when you get to miscarriage number six there isn't a whole lot left to say. And none of it is nice.

So I got to practice, again, focusing on the land of the living...but it was HARD. It was imperfect progress. It was crying myself to sleep, but still getting up to love on my boys. It was saying "why this AGAIN??" while still taking my little ones for a walk. It was my heart breaking for my lost baby at the same time I was smiling at my silly toddlers.

It was imperfect. But it was progress. Because I made it through. Because I didn't just say "I hate the Middle Life". Because I did my best. Each day. I know I did my best.

I actually lowered my personal expectations/plans/household chores quite a bit. I reminded myself (ok, fine, my dad reminded me) that sometimes just doing the next thing IS thriving.

Sometimes Thriving is just not giving up today.

And it is still progress. Beautiful, messy, imperfect progress. 

Living

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living. (NKJV)
Psalms 27:13

A friend of mine shared this verse recently. It wasn't new to me...I have clung to it before as a reminder to look around and see what God is doing even when I feel hopeless.

I just hadn't thought of it in a while until last week when I realized it summarized how I had been trying to live in my Middle Life over the last few months. 

Last year threw me a few punches in an old fight I didn't even know I was fighting. Talk about unfair! 

It has taken some time to heal from miscarrying not once, but twice, in just a few months. I wasn't even thinking of new babies but I wanted them when I thought they were coming and, honestly, I still want them knowing they are so much safer in the arms of Jesus right now.

Keeping myself focused on the land of the living took effort through that grieving process. I know it took effort because a couple of times before in a similar grieving process (you get a lot of tries with 5 miscarriages) I didn't do well on this focus at. all. This time I wanted to be different and I was.

But I can't really take credit. The Lord has given me my focus on the land of the living. There are two living babies that are sleeping in my house right now. They are there smiling each time I look in the review mirror of my car (well, always there, just not always smiling, they are toddlers after all). 

These little boys show me the hope in the land of the living each and every day. On days it would be so much easier to pull the covers back over my head and cry "why" and "when will get to where we want to be", I remember that I believe I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. And when it is hard? God is Good...God has given me two of the most special reminders of this process I could ever ask for!!

So I continue to apply this and I am working to not lose heart in the Middle Life.

Sometimes We Need Help to THRIVE

My husband travels for work. Not a lot, so I am thankful for that. But about one week a month I am on my own with the boys.

Thriving isn't always at its best on those weeks. 

Being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) is my dream job, but a girl could use a break! Many days, especially as Isaac gets closer to 3, I look forward to the amazing Daddy returning from work at 5pm each night.

And then we get to the travel weeks. And I need a lot more chocolate and deep breaths!

And help.

This week a friend offered to watch my boys one evening. Not only watch them, pick them up, feed them, and return them worn out just in time for bed. SURE! Name the night!

My mom then gave me a gift certificate to have my nails done. She knows that my days are just brighter when I am wiping bottoms, picking up toys, and doing dishes with pretty red finger nails.

So last night my kids went off, I got my nails done and spent a few minutes reading in the peace and quiet of my. own. home. Oh My! It.was.awesome!

And I took a few more deep breaths.

I am so thank for that help, for that rest, for the people in my life who care enough about me to help me THRIVE. Especially on the hard weeks.

And I was so ready for my little boy kisses and hugs when I got them back again!!

Note to myself in about 10 years: Never ever forget that the NUMBER ONE thing you can do for a mom of toddler is to take her children and feed them dinner! She will get rest and she will be thrilled to have one less meal to clean up after!

Mercy and Grace...for me, for my children (Part 1)

Sometimes a Bible verse pops up in several places in such a short period of time that it clearly is one I need to focus on.

That happened recently with this verse...and it turned out to be for me AND my children...

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16 NKJV

 I love the words in the verse.

Mercy.

Grace.

Help.

BOLDLY.

It is that last one that really has caught my eye as this verse relates to my life. So often we (well, maybe it is just me) go to God without a spirit of boldness. Like maybe we are bothering him just a little bit with our requests ("um, God, if you don't mind..."). Or maybe we go to God, let's be honestly, with a whiny spirit ("God, but, I waaaannnnt it").  But right here, the writer of Hebrews said we can go BOLDLY! And why not? God is our Father. We should be able to boldly ask our parent for something we need or want.

I am in the Middle Life right now due to a few things I am praying will change. And I should pray BOLDLY.  I can pray for the doors to be open. I can ask and seek and find. God can change each of the circumstances we are facing. At the same time, though, I am asking that if those doors don't open, that God will change my heart, my desires, my outlook. And I am still praying BOLDLY.

A lot of us feel that we can't pray boldly because we have messed up or are unworthy. but that is why the other words are so wonderful.

Grace.

Mercy.

God is Grace. God is Mercy. We can't mess up enough to approach the throne and not obtain mercy and find grace because Jesus paid it all.

ALL. So that we can approach BOLDLY. Like the favored children of a KING that we are.

(Part 2 will be how this verse relates to my children)

Thankfor for a sick day

This was written back in December before I had a good bloggy home for it!

Today I am feeling extra thankful!

Today my baby is sick.

Yes, they go together.

Joel has had a crummy cold for two weeks. He has that sick but still active kid look to him. The one that makes you wonder if you should really bother calling the doctor. But it has been two weeks, his face has some weird rash, and has back end isn't doing well either.

So off we went to the doctor. He probably has an underlying infection. Should be getting better with his first ever round of antibiotics.

And that was the first reason for thankfulness with a sick Joel. He is 13.5 months and this is our first real infection his body couldn't quite fight alone. That's pretty good.

Then the second reason, my kids are mostly healthy. I saw a couple kids that clearly had chronic health issues at the clinic. That requires a whole different level of super hero parenting. So I am thankful that even though we had to make a quick run to the doctor for a cold, we don't go very often.

Finally, I was reading tonight about a newborn who contracted bacterial meningitis and is fighting for her life. Wow! Again, it put my little snot nose baby in perspective and I am so thankful that my boys have been, on the whole, pretty healthy.

I don't, and won't, take that for granted.

I am thankful today for the reminder for just how much we have to be thankful for in healthy kids!!