Fifteen years later

Today is March 19^th. A day that always sticks in my mind.

I graduated from college on March 19^th.

Fifteen years ago.

Wait? What? How did that happen?

Honestly, I was a little shocked when I looked at the date today.

I can still remember the day. I walked out of the college of social sciences and in to the sun. The world felt really, really big. I felt really, really small. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next but I do remember being very ready to be done with college.

But I didn’t just feel small. I felt like I was on the edge of something. The next few months would be my steps to what life would bring next.

Spoiler alert…it went almost NOTHING like I had planned!

Oh, I did a lot of the things I said I was going to do…but just as many didn’t happen. The biggest things that have happened in the last 15 years were not even in my wildest dreams (or nightmares, as the case may be, but mostly dreams). I did go to work in Washington, DC. I did do R&D for the government. I never did get that PhD I was heading for. I don’t live anywhere near Washington, DC now. I don’t spend my days using my college degree in the way I had intended.

BUT, I would like to think that the things I did end up doing were the ones that mattered and I know I am right where I am supposed to be (even if some days that isn’t nearly as glamorous as my original plan).

Of my plans when I left college, the ones that I have fulfilled the most are the ones regarding relationships rather than career. That feels good. What I ended up doing have been things that matter and here are a few of them…

1. I married a great guy.

2. We adopted an amazing son.

3. Through heartache, I learned a way to help others.

4. I owned a company that allowed my family to move forward in many ways.

5. I spend my days pouring my life into my four kids.

6. I am raising a child with unique abilities to be the best world changer he can be.

7. I have found a path to encourage and inspire other women in their roles as women, wives, and mothers.

Today is another sunny March 19^th. I took my almost 2-year-old daughter for a walk on the shores of Lake Washington today. Not where I planned to be, probably not who I planned to be with (the kids were all supposed to be in school by now in my plans 😊). I thought a lot about the journey and the destination. The journey has been good. The destination, unexpected, but still good…and I still have a lot of journey left to go.

In another 15 years I will be almost fifty-one. My daughter will be almost 17 years old. We may take a walk that day. She probably won’t cry about leaving the playground. I hope that on that day I stop to think about the journey. I hope I can say those years have been just as fulfilling for relationships as the last 15 years. I hope I can say I am still right where I am supposed to be.

Marriage advice from the Greatest Showman

However big, however small

Let me be part of it all

Share your dreams with me

You may be right, you may be wrong

But say that you'll bring me along

To the world you see

To the world I close my eyes to see

I close my eyes to see

Although we were late to the bandwagon, our family fully embraced all the music of The Greatest Showman once we saw the movie. The soundtrack looped here almost daily for months. Each of us has a favorite song, and mine is “A Million Dreams”. I love how it took the movie from kids to adults. I love the interaction between Barnum and his wife.

The more I watch the movie, I think it should be required viewing for pre-marriage counselling and for anyone who has been married awhile, too. Mostly because of the ideas shared in the song “A Million Dreams”. The main characters start life with little more than love and believing in each other’s dreams, and as we learn as the movie goes, that is worth more than anything.

The section of the song quoted above is sung by Barnum’s wife. I think it could be sung by just about any young wife. This is a young woman who believed so much in her husband’s dream she wanted to be a part of it all. The big. The small. She wants to be brought along.

There are some spoilers in this next part…as the movie progresses, Barnum starts to not talk to his wife about his dreams. He doesn’t share his dreams, which are pretty big at this point. When she finds out in a very hard way that her whole life was being pulled out from under her, because of her husband, she leaves very hurt. She says something that has stuck in my mind and played over and over. She has learned of their financial ruin and asks “Why didn’t you ask me before? I would have said yes. I never minded the risk but we always did it together.” And with that, she leaves.

It wasn’t the risk that hurt her, it was the fact that he lost sight of bringing her along. Of letting her be a part of it all. She left because she felt deeply the lost connection with her spouse. She later says, after he says he was wrong for losing all they had, “I never wanted anything but the man I fell in love with”.

All she wants is the connection with her husband. Every risk will be worth it if they are together in it. However big, however small, be connected to me. Trust my love enough to share it all with me.

I see so many marriages that are lacking connection right now. I see so many women who made that promise to support their husband but don’t even know what they are supporting anymore. Share your dreams with me is like an anthem call right now. Husbands are busy providing, and many are very good at it, but they keep their cards close to the chest about what it going on in their lives. These men are being the stoic boys they were raised to be. To keep their burdens to themselves. The problem is that their wives want connection. The wives want to be a part of it all, and when they can’t, they shut down, they may not physically leave, but they are leaving emotionally. The girls stop sharing their dreams with the boys. They turn to girlfriends for connection and support. The whole family biosphere beings to crumble. It certainly did for Barnum and his wife. The only way they got it back was to turn back to each other, both with empathy and a spirit willing to listen and communicate, to see that the most important thing they had really was their love and family.

This is all good in theory, but what are some practical ways to get back there? To regain that connection? I have found in the modern busy world I have to fight for time with my husband. Not fight him, but the schedules and kids and demands. We schedule time for dates to Starbucks, we put down our media (digital and print) after the kids’ bedtime and talk. I ask about his job. I listen empathetically. He asks about the kids and what is going on with their various challenges. He listens empathetically. Sometimes we brainstorm problems. Often it is just the listening the other needs. We talk about what we want to do next in life. Where we are going. Our dreams. But we can’t do anything of that if we don’t listen to each other and share our dreams.

My challenge to wives, especially ones with young kids, is to make that time to just listen to your man. Hear his dreams again. And men, tell the girl what is going on! She will be able to support you so much better if she knows. She is your wife. She is your greatest good. She loves you. Share your life with her. She wants to be a part of it all.