On Angst

I don’t know if angst is really the topic I should be considering right now given my current state of mind about my own life, but the word came up this week in conversations with my kids and now I am thinking about the concept of angst.

In the context of discussing the inner turmoil of a young Peter Parker, better know to the world as the super hero Spider Man, one of my kids asked me to define angst. While I knew it has similar roots to anxiety, I was pretty sure it was of a deep pull than anxiety. So I looked it up.

Angst is a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, and insecurity. Yes, it is anxiety, but it is paired with these other words that give it a little twist…like a feeling you just can’t shake. The first definition I read was that offered by Google….”a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.” In my own life, anxiety is often tied to a specific event or person. Angst is that all over apprehension and insecurity you just can’t quite get your finger on and that makes it much harder to find your way out of it.

Enter some interesting history of the word. Its use in the English language can be traced to the 19^th century and psychology (think Freud). That makes sense. The interesting part, at least to me, was that It had much more widespread use in general society in the 1940’s and 1950’s….when the world got a lot scarier with the atomic bomb now in play and the Cold War beginning. This is when the world was in crisis and quite scary, but most people couldn’t really DO anything about it. Enter angst. Deep anxiety about the world in general. Actually, sounds pretty reasonable.

I would argue that at this same time, we are faced with the new widespread information age with many homes starting to have television. Before this time, most people could worry about local events, but the world beyond that we were not getting anything in real time. News had a delay. Now all of a sudden, it is possible to have real time news in your home, but you still can’t DO anything about it. This is the breeding ground of angst.

Now fast forward another 60 or 70 years and it isn’t just when we go home and flip on the T.V. The news is in our very pockets. We can get real time updates on any political event anywhere in the world. Sure, some we can do something about, generally in a fairly slow way….send money to help in a crisis, vote for a different candidate, try to enact a policy change. Yet largely we are inundated with information we can’t DO anything about. On repeat. Every day. And then as it builds up, we don’t know why we feel anxious, our immediate lives and people are doing ok, but we have this deeper feeling of dread about everything.

This next part is hard. Is there anything we CAN do about this? Because living with a deeper feeling of dread is kind of poopy. I don’t think I have the answers. I would like the answers. Well, I have a couple things I have tried over the years that do help, but it probably isn’t the whole answer.

To start, I honestly believe this is where prayer comes in. We don’t have within our limited power the ability to fix every part of the world. We are called to pray for the world. This isn’t a last resort, this should be step one. And while we are there, we can pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding for our hearts and mind, too. We don’t have to live dread; we can give it to God.

My second one, is that I got a lot less angsty when I stopped following the news multiple times a day. I am not advocating burying one’s head in the sand here, but I don’t think we need a blow by blow of each crisis, especially in U.S. national level politics. Read a newspaper once a week and you will get the biggest take-a-way’s without the daily despair. Definitely limit news you get from social media as we all know the accuracy of that! When I was a child, a family we were close to did not have a T.V. The didn’t get the paper. They just didn’t want a daily influx of crud dumped on them. I never thought they were ill informed. And my guess, although I never asked, is that in the case of September 11^th they probably found out pretty quickly without even having access to media in their home. When trouble is big enough, word spreads fast. Don’t worry about missing something, if you need to know, you will.

That is really all I have for my own ways of avoiding angst in my own life. It isn’t much, but in a world where there is an onslaught of anxiety, apprehension, and insecurity, every little step helps.

I hope you enjoyed my thoughts about a little word with a big feeling!

Dear Joel: On your first day of Kindergarten

Dear Joel,

Today is your first day of Kindergarten! A few hours ago we held hands as we walked to the bus stop together. We didn’t say much. I think we were both nervous we would cry. You smiled bravely and so did I. You told me that you were most afraid you wouldn’t have enough time with mommy. I said we would find a way. I couldn’t say anything else. Then we hugged and you got on the bus and we waved and you were off to your adventure. I can’t wait to hear all about it when you get home.

But here is the rest of my side of the story. I cried more than I expected in the last few days. I cried after I put you to bed last night and we both said we were proud of each other. I spent most of last night awake praying. I prayed for you and the boy you are becoming. I prayed for your teacher. I prayed with tears of thankfulness, because there were so many years I didn’t think I would even have a you to put on a bus today. I prayed in thankfulness that I will see you at the end of the day when some mommas have said goodbye to their kids until heaven.

I spent some time last night feeling like I couldn’t let you go today. You are MY Joel. I am your mom. I love you more than anyone and I wanted to find a way to keep you. But that isn’t how the world works, is it? It isn’t about keeping you. It is about letting you go be you. The amazing one-of-a-kind you that you can only be as you spread your wings in the big wide world.

I had to let you go today because you were ready to go. You waited so patiently for this day. You have been watching all the other kids go. Because of your Fall birthday, you spent some extra time in preschool.  You can do lots of math already. You are so close to reading on your own. You are social and love to be around people. To keep you would be to hold you back. I love you too much to do that. You will shine in school. You will grow in school. I am excited to see it, even if my tears are flowing today.

There is another reason I had to let you go today. It came to me last night as I was thinking of all your amazing attributes. The world needs you. To keep you would be selfish. The world is a bit crazy right now. The world needs people just like you now more than ever.

You are kindhearted. If someone is sad, you find a way to help cheer them up. If they are lonely, you include them. The world needs you.

You are friendly. You make new friends everywhere you go. I know when you come home today you will have fifteen new friends (even if you don’t know their names yet!). The world needs you.

You have a smile for everyone. I know the teachers today will appreciate your smiles on this first day of school. You brighten the world with that smile. The world needs you.

You have a sharp mind. You are always thinking of how things work and ways to figure out a new idea or plan. School will help you learn to do that even more. The world needs a thinking you.

You help others. Some kids in your class will be very nervous and you will help them find their way. The world needs you.

You are a peacemaker. Kindergarten is where everyone learns a lot about how to get along with others. This comes naturally to you and you can show others how to do it. The world needs you.

See, the more I think about it, there is no way to keep you as my little boy home with me. You are ready for school, and more importantly, it is time to share you with the world. To share the hope that you will bring. The world needs you. You will go do amazing things. I know you will. All I had to do was let go.

But I will still be really excited when you get home!!

I love you,

Mommy

Praying for our kids...and their education

Those sweet kids are all heading back to school in the next month and that transition is high in my heart and mind right now. In the last seven and a half years since becoming a mom, I have received more parenting advice than I knew was possible. A couple of those actually stand out, have stood through the test of time, and have continued to help me be a better parent. Not surprising for something that has staying power, both were about praying, seeking and receiving God’s wisdom regarding our children. 

One of these best pieces of wisdom was from an older wise mom regarding how she approached the education of her children. I revisit this every school year as we are preparing our kids, minds, hearts, and home to begin the school year again. 

Each year this woman and her husband would pray over the method of education for each of their three sons for that school year. She knew each child was unique, and in a unique season of life, and that one style of education may not be right for all of them. She shared that one year she had a child in public school, a child in private school, and a child she home schooled (she was a busy momma!). She knew her children would grow and thrive in these spaces. I never knew if she had a preferred education ideology, if she had always planned to home school, or if supporting public education was a core value for her. It didn’t matter. She had prayed over her children and had each one where God said each one would thrive.

When our first child was a little over a year old, I was sitting a table full of moms and was asked “what will you be doing for school for Isaac?”. I had no answer. He was ONE! I must have looked shocked because the follow up was “you NEED to get him on the waiting lists now for the best schools”. Oh boy. I was then treated to each mom telling me the exact educational plan for each family. None of these families even had school age children yet but they had such an important sounding plan. The words I had heard spoken to me earlier came to mind, and not trying to be flippant, I said “well, my husband and I will pray over our son for each school year and place him where we believe God will have him thrive”. That comment took me right out of the comparison plan for education.

We have continued to pray specifically for the best way to educate our kids. Even though our oldest son is only heading to the second grade this fall, we have already made choices we wouldn’t have made if we were not specifically praying for each child each year. Even this year, I made a choice about one of our kids without praying about it, I made what I thought was the "logical" choice, and then it started to not feel right. When we prayed over the decision, we made a completely different choice...one that I can see will help that child thrive and grow.

And we know that God will work out whatever that best place is. Honestly, given our family resources, I am pretty thankful that public school has been a good fit so far. God gave us a home in a fantastic school district for our specific children before we even knew we needed what they had to offer. But, if God calls us to home school one of the kids or send them to a private school, we can trust that he will also provide the necessary resources to make those happen. I can pray with the assurance that God loves my kids even more than I do and He will show us the path He has for each of them and will provide the way to get there.

Jesus Loves Peter. This I know.

It has been a hard 10 days as Peter’s mom.

It has been a hard 3.5 years as Peter’s mom. It has been almost exactly 3 years since we learned that the symptoms we were seeing in Peter were the result of a congenital abnormality in his brain. Over time we adjusted and Peter is just Peter. He is more work than a typical child. But he is just as wonderful and perfect and loving as any little guy.

But sometimes it just gets hard for a season. Not necessarily because of Peter but because of the world he lives in. One that administrators seem to rule. A world where he gets the short end of the stick and he didn’t even do anything wrong.

So, it is hard to be his mom because I see the injustice and the hurt and the hard on my boy.

In the last 10 days there have been insurance problems leading to his therapy being cancelled indefinitely. There have been school problems where his heart and spirit were ignored, even by generally well-meaning adults. I have cried so many tears. I have made so many phone calls. I have fought so hard for him. Some I can fix and some I am still trying. I don’t really ever stop trying!

BUT, through it all I have to remember something.

That God loves Peter even more than I do. That God knows what Peter needs even more than I do. That God sees where this is all going and I just don’t.

The night we first got his diagnosis was one of the scariest of my life. I can recall those emotions in a heartbeat. I cried as I rocked him to sleep that night. And then through my tears I tried to sing his normal nighttime songs: You Are My Sunshine and Jesus Loves You. I barely got through the first one. He will ALWAYS be my sunshine. Nothing that the doctors say can change that. Then I sang “Jesus loves Peter, this I know” and I couldn’t keep singing. Because it was true. He does love Peter. Not Peter with a perfect “normal” brain, He loves Peter with a “not quite formed” brain. He loves Peter more than I do. I clung to that fact in that moment.

I have held that fact close for these years of Peter’s life. God knows what therapy Peter needs. God will help us find a way to pay for it. God will help guide the teachers at school. God has held Peter and God will not stop now. To believe anything less is to let the Devil win.

I still have a lot of phone calls and emails and forms. There is some work on the ground that has to be done. But I will continue to pray and ask for what Peter needs. I don’t know what his future holds (as much as I would like some answers even in the short term) but I know who holds his future. And the one that hold his future is the Jesus who loves him. This is I know.

Fifteen years later

Today is March 19^th. A day that always sticks in my mind.

I graduated from college on March 19^th.

Fifteen years ago.

Wait? What? How did that happen?

Honestly, I was a little shocked when I looked at the date today.

I can still remember the day. I walked out of the college of social sciences and in to the sun. The world felt really, really big. I felt really, really small. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next but I do remember being very ready to be done with college.

But I didn’t just feel small. I felt like I was on the edge of something. The next few months would be my steps to what life would bring next.

Spoiler alert…it went almost NOTHING like I had planned!

Oh, I did a lot of the things I said I was going to do…but just as many didn’t happen. The biggest things that have happened in the last 15 years were not even in my wildest dreams (or nightmares, as the case may be, but mostly dreams). I did go to work in Washington, DC. I did do R&D for the government. I never did get that PhD I was heading for. I don’t live anywhere near Washington, DC now. I don’t spend my days using my college degree in the way I had intended.

BUT, I would like to think that the things I did end up doing were the ones that mattered and I know I am right where I am supposed to be (even if some days that isn’t nearly as glamorous as my original plan).

Of my plans when I left college, the ones that I have fulfilled the most are the ones regarding relationships rather than career. That feels good. What I ended up doing have been things that matter and here are a few of them…

1. I married a great guy.

2. We adopted an amazing son.

3. Through heartache, I learned a way to help others.

4. I owned a company that allowed my family to move forward in many ways.

5. I spend my days pouring my life into my four kids.

6. I am raising a child with unique abilities to be the best world changer he can be.

7. I have found a path to encourage and inspire other women in their roles as women, wives, and mothers.

Today is another sunny March 19^th. I took my almost 2-year-old daughter for a walk on the shores of Lake Washington today. Not where I planned to be, probably not who I planned to be with (the kids were all supposed to be in school by now in my plans 😊). I thought a lot about the journey and the destination. The journey has been good. The destination, unexpected, but still good…and I still have a lot of journey left to go.

In another 15 years I will be almost fifty-one. My daughter will be almost 17 years old. We may take a walk that day. She probably won’t cry about leaving the playground. I hope that on that day I stop to think about the journey. I hope I can say those years have been just as fulfilling for relationships as the last 15 years. I hope I can say I am still right where I am supposed to be.

Be anxious for nothing

Be anxious for nothing.

I am a naturally anxious person. It is just something I struggle with. I have a child with a diagnosed anxiety disorder…I don’t exactly wonder where he got it from.

It is nine days in to the new year and those have been some pretty anxious days. I want to say they have been anxious regarding things outside of my control but the problem with that is the control. What exactly is in my control? That might not be nearly as much as I want to believe, so maybe it is time to address the anxiety rather than the control.

This came up with my therapist this week. He said, to my face, I was an anxious person. Ouch, but fair, and not exactly a news flash. I just don’t like people saying it because that means my façade of control has slipped. He actually went one further. He said “she is anxious and probably copes with her anxiety by planning”. Hmm. It hit me that was a nice way to say “she likes to control stuff”. And I really, really do.

Much of my coping as a special needs mom is planning and controlling what I can. And to be fair to myself, there is a lot to plan and coordinate, but I may go overboard. Maybe. Ok, fine. I do.

And then something comes along that can’t be immediately planned and organized and I am a HOT MESS. Or maybe it isn’t mine to drive. I have to support instead. There may still be a role for a planner, but it might be slower than I want.

What then? My anxiety coping plan doesn’t exactly work well in those conditions.

It is dawning on me that I need to refocus and make some changes. I need to go back to the roots of the anxiety. I need to go back to “be anxious for nothing.” Not by planning but by applying more directly the next verses in the Bible….and, while I am at it, the one right before it, too.

After all, it is the very first Bible verse I can remember memorizing!

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice” (Philippians 4:4)

I think rejoicing is the first step in being prepared to “be anxious for nothing”.

Today I was reading Max Lucado’s book Anxious for Nothing and this is where he starts and this line knocked me back on the couch: “We are urged to ‘Rejoice in the Lord.’ This verse is a call, not to a feeling, but to a decision and a deeply rooted confidence that God exists, that he is in control, and that he is good.” Full stop. Am I living this? If I am coping with anxiety through control, am I living this? Probably not, much as I dislike even typing that. He goes on to write “anxiety increases as perceived control diminishes”, yet “we can’t take control because control is not ours to take”. Well, that shoots pretty straight at the matter. I get the feeling God nudged me to read this book today, in the middle of this week, at the start of this year where anxiety is trying to strangle me in just the first 9 days.

For the last many, 10ish I would guess, years I have tried to have a word of the year. Some worked better than others. I wasn’t exactly feeling the idea this year and I don’t like to push something “just because I have always done it” so 2019 didn’t have a word. Today I realized that it doesn’t need a word, it needs a whole phrase!

“Be anxious for nothing”

And then I need to work on changing what I do with anxiety, how I approach it, how I acknowledge the sovereignty of God at work in my family.

So, stay tuned because, of course, I can’t learn something new without writing about it!!!