The Goodness of God

 

I have long enjoyed the song “The Goodness of God”. I love the idea reminder that God is ALWAYS faithful, and ALWAYS good and ALWAYS running after me. Especially when it is hard to see tangible reminders. So, I sing the song to remember anyway.

Four years ago I was standing in church singing this song with tears just streaming down my face. I could barely get the words out. I KNEW that God was good, that God had been good to me, but in that season I was struggling to see the good. It was one of those seasons that I knew was hard when I was in it, but I couldn’t fully grasp how hard it truly was until I looked back. But there I was singing the song because I KNEW in my heart it was true, and I so desperately needed to know that the goodness of God was running after me. One of the main reasons I was clinging to the promise of this song in that season was because of intense challenges with Peter, which is going to be important in a minute.

And then sometimes the goodness of God shows up in ways that you just can’t miss.

Saturday night I had the delightful opportunity of taking Peter out on a date! We planned it all week. Peter wanted to wear fancy clothes and go to the fancy mall….and eat at Panda Express (not so fancy). We dropped off his brothers and off we went for our adventure. Peter and I had the best few hours. We ate yummy food and ice cream, we bought Legos, we rode the escalators AND the elevators. The entire time I was thinking “I never dreamed of this”. Never in my dreams for Peter 4 years ago in that hard season did I think that we would have a normal outing to the mall when he was 7. Never did I think he could read all the signs we passed in the stores. Never did I think he would look at the mall map and find our way through the mall. And there we were in this space where I could all but reach out and touch the goodness of God.

Like I knew, that the song was true that even when I couldn’t see it; the goodness of God is always running after me. I had no way of knowing that within months of that darkest night when I was crying in church that Peter’s vision would miraculously improve. I had no way of knowing that God was about to do even more than I thought to ask that Sunday in church. We didn’t deserve it. We didn’t even ask. But God was always holding us in his hands and his goodness was always running after us.

Sunday morning, we went to church and I bet you can guess the song we sang? OF COURSE, it was “The Goodness of God” because God also just likes to wink at me like that. I thought I would cry when I heard the opening chords, but I never did. I just sang and sang with the biggest smile on my face! His goodness is still running after me.

 

The Night Before Kindergarten

We have been preparing for weeks, or months, well, truly, for years (read below). Tomorrow is the day. Peter will put on his backpack, make his way down the block, get on the big kid bus, and finally go to Kindergarten.

He is ready.

My head is ready.

My heart is so not ready.

I promised myself years ago that I wouldn't totally lose it when my kids would go to Kindergarten. There are so many parents who would give anything for this moment who won't see their babies until heaven. I get mine back by dinnertime.

And I have kept that promise, yet there is also a tug at my heart with all the feelings on the night before Kindergarten. Especially for Peter....

Because 5 years ago our world was rocked by his ONH diagnosis. I have written a lot about that journey, but this week holds a special place. One of the questions I asked early on, like any mom would even though no one can exactly answer, was "what will his life be like? "what will he be able to do or not do?". Like good professionals, no one had an exact answer about the future but the one "long term" goal that was noted was main stream, general education Kindergarten with support for his vision. As he got older we learned that would mean attending a different school than his brothers. That was fine, as long as he had good support. Then a couple years ago his vision made a big leap and he was no longer in need of his white cane or learning Braille. He progressed academically in leaps and bounds. So not only is his starting general education Kindergarten tomorrow, he will be at the same school as his brothers. I never even asked or imagined and God answered anyway! So my heart is celebrating!

But more than any of my other kids, Peter has been a full time job. We met his diagnosis with our heads held high. There wasn't anything I wouldn't try or therapy I would turn away for the first 3 years of his life. I researched, called, explained, tried out new ideas like our future depended on it. Because it did. And it worked. God made little brains to be very flexible and Peter's hard work helped grow his brain in new ways. Then tomorrow, someone else has Peter for the majority of the day and that feels very very strange after the last 5 years.

Peter is also my last little boy, and while Ellie will be the very last to school, this #boymom is feeling fragile tonight. So my tears are just close to the surface as I write this.

Peter is ready to go. Peter will do great things. I said when Peter was a baby that God had a special plan for Peter because God made Peter special. I know this in my head and my heart. So I will watch him get his backpack, walk to the bus stop, and head to Kindergarten knowing that the world needs a special Peter, but there will probably be a few tears in my eyes as I walk back home.