The Goodness of God

 

I have long enjoyed the song “The Goodness of God”. I love the idea reminder that God is ALWAYS faithful, and ALWAYS good and ALWAYS running after me. Especially when it is hard to see tangible reminders. So, I sing the song to remember anyway.

Four years ago I was standing in church singing this song with tears just streaming down my face. I could barely get the words out. I KNEW that God was good, that God had been good to me, but in that season I was struggling to see the good. It was one of those seasons that I knew was hard when I was in it, but I couldn’t fully grasp how hard it truly was until I looked back. But there I was singing the song because I KNEW in my heart it was true, and I so desperately needed to know that the goodness of God was running after me. One of the main reasons I was clinging to the promise of this song in that season was because of intense challenges with Peter, which is going to be important in a minute.

And then sometimes the goodness of God shows up in ways that you just can’t miss.

Saturday night I had the delightful opportunity of taking Peter out on a date! We planned it all week. Peter wanted to wear fancy clothes and go to the fancy mall….and eat at Panda Express (not so fancy). We dropped off his brothers and off we went for our adventure. Peter and I had the best few hours. We ate yummy food and ice cream, we bought Legos, we rode the escalators AND the elevators. The entire time I was thinking “I never dreamed of this”. Never in my dreams for Peter 4 years ago in that hard season did I think that we would have a normal outing to the mall when he was 7. Never did I think he could read all the signs we passed in the stores. Never did I think he would look at the mall map and find our way through the mall. And there we were in this space where I could all but reach out and touch the goodness of God.

Like I knew, that the song was true that even when I couldn’t see it; the goodness of God is always running after me. I had no way of knowing that within months of that darkest night when I was crying in church that Peter’s vision would miraculously improve. I had no way of knowing that God was about to do even more than I thought to ask that Sunday in church. We didn’t deserve it. We didn’t even ask. But God was always holding us in his hands and his goodness was always running after us.

Sunday morning, we went to church and I bet you can guess the song we sang? OF COURSE, it was “The Goodness of God” because God also just likes to wink at me like that. I thought I would cry when I heard the opening chords, but I never did. I just sang and sang with the biggest smile on my face! His goodness is still running after me.

 

Joel and the God who restores

 I have been a mom for a little over 9 years. At this season most people would know me as being a mom of 4 kids. I come in with a (fairly well behaved) circus. It wasn’t always this way. There was a season where I was known more for being the lady who really wanted kids.

While I have been a mom (through the miracle of adoption) for 9 years, I found out I finally had a viable pregnancy about 8 years ago. We were still just thrilled God had given us ONE baby, yes, we wanted more but we were not going to ask for too much. Then this second miracle baby was on his way and we had to name him.

It would sound really cool to say that I poured over my Bible and found just the perfect name for our second son. It didn’t happen that way at all. The real story is we wanted a second name from the Bible, then sorted through names we liked or people we would want to name our kids after. That is how we came upon Joel’s name; we both respected a family friend named Joel and decided to name our son after him and it was just super convenient the name was also in the Bible.

Confession: I am not certain I read the book of Joel any time in the decade before I wrote that name on a birth certificate. I did look up the meaning of the name, “the Lord is God”, which seemed a fitting name for a baby who was such a miracle. So, there was that.

Fast forward a bunch of years and recently a preacher referenced a verse from the book of Joel. Not a common book to come up in a sermon. Fun fact, I learned recently in my studies that Bible scholars don’t even know enough about Joel to know what time frame he was even alive during the years of the Old Testament so he doesn’t come up much.

But that verse? I hadn’t found just the perfect name for Joel, but God had. The book of Joel talks a lot about bugs. Lots and lots of destructive bugs. Then, in Joel 2:25 God says, “I will restore to you the years the swarming locust has eaten…” (ESV). God will restore the lost years. The hard years. The years of so much sadness. God will restore them to Israel.

I love it! I had these years where I had miscarriage after miscarriage. I had no way of knowing in that season that I would one day give birth to three babies. The “years of swarming locusts” doesn’t feel like too dramatic of a spin for the depths of infertility.  Turns out God had a restoration plan for me, too.

Today I look at Joel and think “these are the restored years”. I didn’t really expect one biological child, much less three of them. Joel is my in-the-flesh reminder that God restores. When the current season isn’t going quite like I wanted, Joel is my reminder that God has a way bigger plan than my wants. I think God knew my faith would need some really tangible reminders, reminders I could actually hug and snuggle, that He is the God who restores.

Faithful

 

A good place to start writing for the year is my word of the year. I never push a word for the year, it either comes to me or it doesn’t, if it is forced then it is probably not a good fit.

In 2020, my word was “enough”. This started with a little sign that said “you do enough, you have enough, you are enough”. I was struggling with expectations, largely those imposed upon myself to be and do more. I had no idea what was going to hit the world! What I learned from my word varied as we moved through that unusual year. Our family was enough when we couldn’t see anyone else. Our home was enough when we were in lockdown. My stamina was enough to be there for my children all day every day. I didn’t accomplish what I had set out to do, but what I did do was enough. I think that was the overall take away. I really was enough being just me.

As we walked through an ever-changing year, it was hard to feel peace about the future and plans were impossible. As I watched a child fall apart, again, it was faith that kept me going to the next day. God has been faithful before and he would be faithful again. One of the songs I listened to over and over this year was “Goodness of God”. I love this song because I know it to be true that “all my life You have been faithful”. God has never not come through for us. God has always been faithful.

As life for my family changed, as my husband’s job changed and my kids came home for school, my focus shifted more into my home, rather than the speaking and writing out in the world I was expecting to do. At first it chaffed a little, in the middle I was just trying to stay afloat so I didn’t even think about it much, in the end I realized I was being faithful to my family. The very job God had given me to do. I did a reflection and planning retreat a few weeks ago. I wrote about what I wanted my life to look like a year from that day. The result of my thinking and writing was that I am moving forward on the path I need to be on. Really, that I need to remain faithful to my family, my faith, and the roles God has given me. There was nothing especially profound that came out of my retreat. Or maybe it was profound simply because it was simple and quiet….be faithful.

There was my word for the year in two places. Faithful. God has been and will be faithful for our family. He will direct our steps, especially in a season of unknows (when WILL school start again, anyone?). I will be faithful. I will lean in to the roles of wife and mother and friend and encourager. When I am chaffing against what seems like a lack of progress, I will remember that God is faithful and I will be, too.

On Redemption

Redemption is a beautiful concept. To take something, or someone, that was lost or broken or hurt and saving it or them. I can’t think of redemption without getting some tears in my eyes. I love the idea of something or someone being saved, being rescued. Maybe because I can so deeply relate to needing redemption.

I have had several moments in my life when I needed saving. Quite frankly, I need the redemption of Jesus daily. But some seasons stand out as a having a moment of redemption. When the darkness became light. When the valley path started rising to the mountains. When beauty rose from ashes and tears. Today is a day where I celebrate redemption.

It was eight years ago today that I became a mom.

It wasn’t at all the way I expected, but it was the path we came to be on. The path that led to redemption.

In fact, my plan, after a battle with infertility was to give birth on February 22, 2012. I had finally gotten pregnant in June the year prior and this was my due date. Until it wasn’t because I miscarried. Again. The events following that miscarriage showed us that the path we were to take to parenthood was the path of adoption.

The path of infertility and adoption was one of my lowest valleys. It felt dark. It felt lonely. It felt stagnant.

And then came the redemption. The saving. On the very day I thought I would give birth to a baby; one was placed in my arms. I felt the saving. I felt the weight of the darkness start to lift. I started to see the mountain path. My world had felt upside down and this little boy was turning it right side up again. I was a mom for the very first time.

The light was dawning and would continue to get brighter in this corner of my life. Parenthood would prove to have its own challenges (of course!), but my season of longing for a baby was redeemed. There was beauty rising from the ashes in my soul. My tears were tears of joy in the morning.

Adoption is considered a triad relationship: the child, the birth parents, and the adoption parents. We had a blessed opportunity to spend time with Isaac’s birth mother in the days before and after Isaac’s birth. We heard her story. We listened deeply. We cried with her. Yet, there was redemption. I don’t share her story or the beginning of Isaac’s story because they are not mine to tell, but I can say that the moment he placed was in my arms, there was a lot of redemption in the room. How could a mom not think about the woman who gave birth to her son on his birthday? She was first on my mind this morning. She gave me a gift. A gift of redemption. I hope she still feels redemption, too.

I love celebrating Isaac’s birthday. Today he opted to spend the day at home with his family playing with Legos. I am listening to him banter with his brothers as I write this. The story wasn’t at all what I expected when I wanted a baby. But this story has redemption and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Praying for our kids...and their education

Those sweet kids are all heading back to school in the next month and that transition is high in my heart and mind right now. In the last seven and a half years since becoming a mom, I have received more parenting advice than I knew was possible. A couple of those actually stand out, have stood through the test of time, and have continued to help me be a better parent. Not surprising for something that has staying power, both were about praying, seeking and receiving God’s wisdom regarding our children. 

One of these best pieces of wisdom was from an older wise mom regarding how she approached the education of her children. I revisit this every school year as we are preparing our kids, minds, hearts, and home to begin the school year again. 

Each year this woman and her husband would pray over the method of education for each of their three sons for that school year. She knew each child was unique, and in a unique season of life, and that one style of education may not be right for all of them. She shared that one year she had a child in public school, a child in private school, and a child she home schooled (she was a busy momma!). She knew her children would grow and thrive in these spaces. I never knew if she had a preferred education ideology, if she had always planned to home school, or if supporting public education was a core value for her. It didn’t matter. She had prayed over her children and had each one where God said each one would thrive.

When our first child was a little over a year old, I was sitting a table full of moms and was asked “what will you be doing for school for Isaac?”. I had no answer. He was ONE! I must have looked shocked because the follow up was “you NEED to get him on the waiting lists now for the best schools”. Oh boy. I was then treated to each mom telling me the exact educational plan for each family. None of these families even had school age children yet but they had such an important sounding plan. The words I had heard spoken to me earlier came to mind, and not trying to be flippant, I said “well, my husband and I will pray over our son for each school year and place him where we believe God will have him thrive”. That comment took me right out of the comparison plan for education.

We have continued to pray specifically for the best way to educate our kids. Even though our oldest son is only heading to the second grade this fall, we have already made choices we wouldn’t have made if we were not specifically praying for each child each year. Even this year, I made a choice about one of our kids without praying about it, I made what I thought was the "logical" choice, and then it started to not feel right. When we prayed over the decision, we made a completely different choice...one that I can see will help that child thrive and grow.

And we know that God will work out whatever that best place is. Honestly, given our family resources, I am pretty thankful that public school has been a good fit so far. God gave us a home in a fantastic school district for our specific children before we even knew we needed what they had to offer. But, if God calls us to home school one of the kids or send them to a private school, we can trust that he will also provide the necessary resources to make those happen. I can pray with the assurance that God loves my kids even more than I do and He will show us the path He has for each of them and will provide the way to get there.

My Story, His Story

I was asked to speak at church last week in a series called "My Story, His Story" sharing how God has come in to my life story. There will be an audio version at some point, until then, here is the text I prepared and spoke from....

Zack told me that I was finishing out this series and, since Mother’s Day is the 3^rd highest day for church attendance each year, to not “blow it”. I do appreciate the faith that he has put in me for this morning, hopefully I can live up to that, but I am the mother of 4 kids ages 5 and under and time to prepare was hard to come by! I do feel like I am coming in with an advantage of having heard the amazing stories of others for the last few weeks.  As each person has started to speak they said they prayed and asked their spouse to pray when Zack asked them to speak. I am just going to confess that I didn’t do that! I just said YES! Then I felt really guilty as I sat  there the last few weeks, did I just fail the first test of speaking at church? But then I thought really I have been asking God for the opportunity to share my story for several years, because even as I was going through these struggles, I wanted God to use them to help others. So here I am.

Mother’s Day

And its Mother’s Day, of all days, to share my story. Just a couple warnings. One, I had a baby a little over a month ago and my emotions are a little close to the surface this morning so I may cry, and two, this isn’t your typical happy Mother’s Day story. Actually, I have learned over the last several years that for many many people, in many different walks of life, that Mother’s Day isn’t nearly as happy as Hallmark would like us to believe.

In my case, it was the path to motherhood itself that would lead me through some of the darkest days of my life, where I was journeying right through the valley of the shadow of death and clinging to the Lord when I couldn’t see the road in front of me. I learned a lot about myself and the nature of God as I walked.

A journey of faith

Long before I was thinking seriously about motherhood, God had already started me on a journey that would challenge me and build up my faith, which looking back I can see I really needed to be able to get through the last several years. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said “all I have seen teaches me to  trust the creator for all I have not seen”. We can actually church up that Emerson quote quite a bit with Hebrews 11:1 which says “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen”. God uses experiences in our lives to build up our faith and trust in him.  So I will start with a journey of faith.

Spokane to Washington, DC

This journey starts just over the mountains in Spokane, where I grew up, went to elementary, middle school, high school, and college. At Eastern Washington University, I studied economics as a social science, which is different (code for “not as useful”) than a business economics degree. My dad, being very wise, questioned what I would do with this degree. Well, graduate school, of course! And then I would probably teach. During my senior year of college I was offered a full scholarship to WSU. I took a class on leadership where we had to write about where we wanted to be in 10 years. When I wrote that paper, I could see myself living and working in Washington, DC, a city I had loved since I was 14 and had visited with my family. I also had loved local politics for years, had interned for a Congressman, and wanted to experience life “inside the beltway”.  Writing that paper, made me realize I didn’t want to wait 10 years and a graduate degree to live that life, with God’s help and faith, I realized there was a little voice in my heart saying I really didn’t want to go to school anymore right then and I was to go get a job in Washington, DC. That took a lot of faith to put in to words and share with others. It was crazy for a girl with a full scholarship to a graduate program to want to try for a job on the other side of the country. But I wasn’t just crazy, I had faith that God was in this plan….so I prayed about what to do and came back with the idea that I shouldn’t wait until I had a job, I should just move there anyway because it would be easier to look for a job in person! I should add here that my parents had moved to Florida by this time and my back up plan was just to head south to their door step if this plan didn’t work out. So I packed up my car, my cat, and a whole lot of courage and set out on a very long drive. God was faithful. My phone rang as I was driving through Indiana on a Thursday. It was someone from the United States Census Bureau calling to set up a phone interview for Monday. I said “actually I can be there in person, what’s the address?” I was hired 2 weeks later. It was a crazy plan, far from the comfort and safety of home but it was where God asked me to go and my faith grew watching His plan to give me the desires of my heart unfold.

Back to Graduate School

As I left Spokane and school behind, I promised myself, though, that I would only work for 3 years and then I would for sure go to graduate school. Living just inside the beltway I poured myself in to my job, which I loved. It was lots of numbers, a surprising amount of travel, and I was on the track to be a manager…but wait, I was supposed to go back to school and I told everyone 3 years was my limit.  At year 2 I started to work on my plan to go back to school, but I wasn’t all that excited about it. I wanted to stay and work. Work was fun. Work paid money! But I felt again that push that said “go, do this new uncomfortable thing and see what will happen”. Well, this time I had scholarships to choose from so I picked the one closest to my parents, and started graduate school at the University of Florida. I was back on track to that graduate degree.

Except that I HATED school. It was awful. I was sure I was in the very wrong place. Surely I must have misheard God because my life had pretty much taken what I thought was a VERY wrong turn. So much so that I left the University of Florida after one semester. I made plans to return to Virginia and try a different school and if that didn’t work, I was sure my job would be waiting at the Census Bureau.

I knew my job would be waiting because it had actually kind of stayed with me. When I left the Census Bureau they had a project they were willing to contract out. I was able to work part time as a contractor while I was in graduate school. This was a huge provision from God when school didn’t work out AND over the next several years as I would continue to do contract work for the government which would support my family, put my husband through college, and allow me to even have an employee for a few years.

Getting Married

Life isn’t always a struggle of faith, though, sometimes you pray and have a desire and it happens faster than you could even imagine…faster than maybe even your parents think is a good idea! And that is how I met my husband!!! The University of Florida is in a smallish college town in the middle of pretty much swamp. If you are not in school, there isn’t much to do. And I was not in school and waiting for my lease to be up, so it seemed like a good time to try online dating. In January of 2008, I saw the profile of a very good looking pilot and, as I would find out as we emailed, talked, and met over the coming weeks he was also smart, funny, and a man of God. It took me only weeks to tell my parents that this was the man I was going to marry….We started out with a long distance relationship of 200 miles. We would do a LOT of driving on the weekends. One very late night I was driving the two hours home and a panther ran in front of my car, that will tend to scare a person in the dark!! I swerved and rolled my car. I had a lot of angels that night because I was able to crawl out of the car mostly unharmed. It seemed like this was sign that long distance wasn’t going to be a good idea. We knew God was the center of our relationship and we were meant to be married so to keep everyone alive,  after dating for 3 months, we were married under a live oak tree outside the county clerks office (this is a fancy way to say “we eloped”) . God had very quickly answered my prayers for a husband and was showing me why I had felt that I needed to leave DC the year before…it wasn’t for school, it was to be within the 200 mile search radius of the man he had picked out for me, it was certainly a showing of following in faith to come to the things “not yet seen”, really, at the time I had left DC, I wasn’t even thinking of meeting my husband in Florida. God is just that good!

Wanting kids

We still had a wedding with family and friends on the beach, but since we had already done the official part, my dad could do the ceremony.  It was 9 years ago last week that Mark and I stood  on a sunny beach and vowed again to love each other through all times. We knew we wanted to have children right away, 4 of them.  Mark was 32, I was 25 and we were ready to jump right in to starting our family. I had some idea that getting pregnant might not be super easy for me since I was diagnosed with endometriosis at age 19 so when a few months went by we were already checking in with a doctor.

Infertility treatments

For the next couple years we would pursue infertility treatments that were progressively more aggressive. At first, it was take some oral medications at certain times of the month. Then we moved on to doing nightly shots, Mark worked out a system where he would get the shots ready, hand me a cookie, and then give me the shot while I was distracted. All of the treatments came invasive testing every few days or even sometimes every day. We lived 2 hours from our infertility clinic, so I would make the 4+hour trip many times in a week. I also had surgery twice to remove endometriosis and ovarian cysts. I was also diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome during this time. It was taking a whole team of doctors, a LOT of money, and so much patience with trial and error treatments to get me pregnant.

First miscarriage

But after a couple years, I finally did get pregnant and we were so excited. For a short time, and then we learned I would miscarry this baby we had prayed and worked so hard for. We were devastated. I was sad. I felt let down by God. But we kept going because one miscarriage isn’t that uncommon and we still really wanted a baby and we knew that God was faithful. I had just spent the last 4 years on a pretty big cross country journey teaching me quite a lot about how faithful God will be and I would need all that faith. At this point we were praying for a baby however God might provide one (Mark assured me that stealing wasn’t a God answer).

Second miscarriage

Another year went by and I got pregnant again. And again we were excited, a little more cautious, but it was hard to not be excited. This time I had gotten pregnant and we were not even doing infertility treatments. Surely this would be the one. Until I woke up bleeding on the 4^th of July. It was a quiet ride to the hospital, where thankfully my parents met us, and we learned I was miscarrying again. Two weeks later, my grandfather died. Two weeks after that I found out my current work contract that was supporting our family, would be cut to a third of its size. I was diagnosed with depression at this time, but a large part of my feelings was anger.  I was just flat mad and mostly at God because as I asked “why” over and over and over, I felt like all I was hearing was silence.  Which was conflicting because I also still had this faith in God that said God is good and God is faithful to us.

Emotions

One day I came up with this image…a child sitting in her father’s lap screaming and beating against his chest with her fists and her father’s arms wrapped around her. That child was so mad at her father that she wanted to hit him. BUT she also knew her father loved her so much that she knew the safest and best place to be was in her father’s arms. That was the day I started to realize that God created emotions and God meets us in our emotions. We don’t have to have only the “good” emotions with God, we can share all our emotions and He can take it.

Adoption

Well, it was after that miscarriage and a lot of testing that we learned I had a chromosome mix up that causes repeated miscarriages. And we had to grieve all over again and struggle again with God. I had wanted babies since I was little girl, this was a good desire, it is a Biblical desire, and yet, in my mind, God wasn’t answering. But we had asked him to lead our journey and we just wanted a baby however God would provide one and at this point our journey started taking us towards adoption. In adoption, God gave us an unusual charge…to adopted a child of a specific race and gender. This is unusual because when you are in the process of adopting through the U.S. private adoption system you are told to be as open as possible to race and so that more birth mother’s would see our profile. I was frustrated that God seemed to be telling us otherwise. But God met me in my frustration and said “Be still for I am God”. Over and over I heard that in my head even as it made no sense to be restrictive. Well, we were approved to adopt on November 22^nd and Isaac was born on February 22^nd…we have about the fastest adoption of anyone we have met! God asked us to be faithful and was he ever faithful in return!! We finally had our baby, the perfect baby meant for us. One more confirmation of that? The miscarriage I had the year before? Isaac was born on my due date. God is good all the time.

There are lots of emotions in adoption. God has sat with me in those emotions, too, and I pray that Isaac’s birth mother knows today that God is with her as well. I think my favorite quote to sum up the emotions of adoption is this “A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege is not lost on me”. Even 5 years later, I am overwhelmed with emotions as I watch Isaac play at times and it is all I can do to cry out to God for his amazing goodness in adoption. As a side note on adoption, adoptive parents get a very unique opportunity to understand the adoption of each of us in to God’s family in a way that I truly believe can only be comprehended when you are told by a judge that this child is now and forever yours, talk about emotions that day!!

But the journey didn’t end there. I would go on to get pregnant again. And miscarry again. It was a little different because I had a baby to love and snuggle as I cried. But I was still sad and God still sat with me as I cried because I wanted this baby, too.

 Oklahoma City

At this point in the story, we took another turn. Mark was finishing his engineering degree and looking for a job. He told me about one in Oklahoma City and I said, “sure, go for it, you don’t have to take it if they offer it to you, it will be good practice, but it isn’t like we are going to just move from Florida to Oklahoma”. I think God laughed right then. Mark ended up with 2 job offers. One in Oklahoma City and one in Wichita, KS. There is nothing that makes Oklahoma City seem quite so appealing as being told your other option is Wichita. But we decided to test God and make sure this Oklahoma thing was really from him. Mark asked for a signing bonus to help pay for our move, we were told they would probably say no…and they said yes. Ok, God, thanks for the confirmation, I think. Two months later, Mark finished school and we were moving to Oklahoma and Mark would begin working for the Boeing Company. It was hard to leave my parents, and take their only grandchild that they had also hoped and prayed for, and move halfway back across the country. But again, God asked us to trust and be faithful and His plan would be good.

Joel

When Isaac was a year old, I got pregnant yet again (for the 4^th time in 4 years) but this time would be different. We prayed and hoped just as much as every other time. We had our brand new small group in Oklahoma literally stand around us in a circle and pray for this growing baby to be healthy. God said yes this time and we would see a flickering heartbeat on an ultrasound and months later bring home Joel.

Miscarriages again

After Joel was born I miscarried three more time. Each one brought a time of mourning, of questioning, of thinking we were probably crazy for continuing to try for more children, and a lot of sadness because now those babies had faces, after Joel was born I knew what our babies would look like, and I was heartbroken even as I continued to care for my sons. But God kept meeting me in those emotions and was still whispering on my heart “I am not done with you. I am not done giving you children. Watch and be faithful.”

Fourth pregnancy after Joel

The fourth time I got pregnant after Joel was born, I was not excited at all. I mostly ignored the fact. I was tired of this. And I told that to God. A lot. God I am TIRED of this cycle!! And God said “no, my grace is sufficient for you and all you have to do is hold on. I know you are tired, but I will carry you.” We went to the doctor again, and finally saw another flickering heart beat and Peter would be joining our family, but not in Oklahoma.

Leaving Oklahoma

See we really didn’t like Oklahoma all that much for a pretty good reason. Tornados are terrible weather events and we just happened to move to Moore, Oklahoma 5 months before it would be ravaged by an F5 tornado we could see from our front window. We didn’t know when we entered the shelter if our home would be standing when we came out. It was, but I think that was the day we started praying to God to help us move from Oklahoma. Later that year Mark was asked to start working for a program based in Seattle. Another year and a half later, we were still praying we could move to Seattle but our prayers were getting really intense…because by this time we had outrun a tornado in our car one evening, and other day had a tornado come straight at our house, lift back off the ground to go over it and come back down a few blocks away. While we were very thankful God was keeping us safe, we were not enjoying this way of life! Finally, after much much prayer (and hard work by Mark) we were granted the opportunity to move to Seattle. Since my parents had moved here the year before, this was an amazing chance to have our boys closer to their grandparents, and get extra help now that we had a third child on the way. Peter was born 4 months later.

Peter, Special needs

God has special plans for Peter, I know he does, because God made Peter extra special. When Peter was a month old we realized his eyes moved all the time back and forth but he didn’t look at anyone or anything. Over the next few months our hearts grew heavy as it became more evident that Peter couldn’t really see much. At his 6 month well baby check up, he failed every developmental milestone test. We already had an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist scheduled and we found out that his eyes were very weak. The rapid eye movement, called a nystagmus, could indicate he had a neurological defect and he needed an MRI. I cried as I watched him get put to sleep, I cried through the entire test, I prayed that he would be just fine. God heard all that, I know he did, but the answer was not what I wanted. Peter has a rare brain defect, Optic Nerve Hypoplasia, that not only means his optic nerve bundle is small, but that other parts of his brain are also underdeveloped. This condition occurs in utero and cannot be fix. It is a whole different kind of sadness and heartbreak that comes when you learn your child will potentially face a lifetime of difficulties you just can’t fix for him. I had to struggle again to remember the goodness of God. The God who made Peter, who could have made Peter whole but did not. I have to trust that God has a plan for Peter, but I don’t know what it is yet. In the meantime, I have been reminded that even on the days that I am tired of going to one more appointment at the Children’s Hospital, that I am tired of having therapists in our home 3 days a week, that I am tired of making sure Peter doesn’t hurt himself because of his low vision and lack of depth perception, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.   

Eloise

Mark said this next part of the story is where God just shows off and I have to agree with him. When Peter was 8 months old, I got pregnant again and we DIDN’T continue the trend of miscarrying between viable pregnancies. God, in his mercies, allowed that pregnancy    to be our daughter Eloise. We finally have those 4 children we wanted so long ago…not at all the journey I would have planned or expected but it was the one where I would grow the most. I have been asked more than once how I endured all those losses and I often say “by God’s grace” because there is just no part of my human strength that could have done it alone. I believe it was also the grace of God that allowed me to have Eloise without having a miscarriage first. I can stand here today and say that God now has me on a journey of healing and God is still very good.

Challenge

I just want to give a challenge today to let God meet you in your emotions. Whatever journey you are on, whatever you are feeling, let God join you there. I want to especially talk to women for a minute. There are a lot of expectations on women, in the world it is to be “Pintrest worthy”, in the church it is to be the Proverbs 31 woman. Well, the Bible doesn’t say this, but since she was female, I am going to theorize that the Proverbs 31 woman broke down and cried more than one. But she is still in the Bible! It is ok to cry, it is ok to be angry, it is ok to just feel your feelings, but know this…God can take it. Invite him to meet you in your emotions and you will find out he is already there waiting.

Waiting mothers

And for anyone among us that is still waiting for their baby. I will be praying for you. I am super impressed you came to church on Mother’s Day. You are brave. You are showing faithfulness to God. I don’t know how your journey will go, I can’t promise you a baby (as much as I desperately want to), but I can promise that God is here, God is listening, God wants the very best for you, and God is good. All the time.

Thank you.

The Awesome House Finding Story

We arrived in Seattle late on Friday night with ONE week to find a house. After months of wondering if the job would come through or looking at houses night after night, we still were uncertain about buying or renting. We were just hoping we would get a clear answer as we went...

Saturday we set out to look at houses we had seen on the MLS and a few town homes for rent. The houses for sale were not what we were looking for and the town homes were not quite what we wanted either (small kids + giant hill = no bike rides in the driveway). I was feeling a little defeated at the end of the day, BUT we really like my parents church and we would get to go the next day so at least we had that to look forward to before resuming our search.

During church on Sunday, where we were once again welcomed with open arms, I spent a lot of time praying. I even wrote on Facebook something like "we don't have a house, but we have a church and that seems like good place to start".

Turns out it was the perfect place to start!

I mentioned to the pastor that we were looking for a place to live (he knew we had been hoping for a Seattle transfer) before the service. At the greeting time he told Mark that a house was vacant in his neighborhood. That just two doors down from his family was a home vacated by the church guitar player. This sounded interesting.

After church Mark went to ask the pastor again about the house and to get an introduction to the prior tenant. When I came back from getting the kids, Mark was talking with the guy and getting the land lady's information and the address.

As soon as we could leave the boys with their grandparents after lunch we went to scope it out. A lovely little neighborhood and in an area that we wouldn't have even look otherwise. It was feeling like a God thing!

Monday morning I called this random lady and asked if she was still the owner and interested in renting the house. She said she hadn't even had time to list it yet. Perfect! We want first pick!

Wednesday we met her at the house to walk through and it looked like a good fit for our family. As we left, the pastor was in his driveway so we went over and talked to him. Their family is very similar to ours in number/ages of kids.

Thursday we turned in our application and prayed like crazy. We had a couple back ups (see town house mentioned above) but really wanted this house...and to have a solid answer before we left on Friday.

On Friday morning we were heading to the airport and I got an email saying we were APPROVED! Thank you, GOD! It will be so fun to live by kids that our boys can play with and two doors down from the location of the small group we would best fit in for church!

Going to church really is the best place to start....and we are off to a great one in our new adventure!

Living

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living. (NKJV)
Psalms 27:13

A friend of mine shared this verse recently. It wasn't new to me...I have clung to it before as a reminder to look around and see what God is doing even when I feel hopeless.

I just hadn't thought of it in a while until last week when I realized it summarized how I had been trying to live in my Middle Life over the last few months. 

Last year threw me a few punches in an old fight I didn't even know I was fighting. Talk about unfair! 

It has taken some time to heal from miscarrying not once, but twice, in just a few months. I wasn't even thinking of new babies but I wanted them when I thought they were coming and, honestly, I still want them knowing they are so much safer in the arms of Jesus right now.

Keeping myself focused on the land of the living took effort through that grieving process. I know it took effort because a couple of times before in a similar grieving process (you get a lot of tries with 5 miscarriages) I didn't do well on this focus at. all. This time I wanted to be different and I was.

But I can't really take credit. The Lord has given me my focus on the land of the living. There are two living babies that are sleeping in my house right now. They are there smiling each time I look in the review mirror of my car (well, always there, just not always smiling, they are toddlers after all). 

These little boys show me the hope in the land of the living each and every day. On days it would be so much easier to pull the covers back over my head and cry "why" and "when will get to where we want to be", I remember that I believe I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. And when it is hard? God is Good...God has given me two of the most special reminders of this process I could ever ask for!!

So I continue to apply this and I am working to not lose heart in the Middle Life.

Mercy and Grace...for me, for my children (Part 2)

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16 NKJV

I talked about how much I love this verse, and the words in it, as it applies to me, here.

This time it is about how this verse has impacted the way I interact with my children.

Mercy.

Grace.

Do my children know that they can come to me and "...obtain mercy and find grace"?

That can stop a mom of toddlers in her tracks.

On Sunday, the Pastor said after stepping on a small toy his child left out, "I wanted to wake him up, make him pick up all the toys, clean the whole house, scrub toilets, and maybe walk around the block with a boulder on his head". Man, are there ever days I feel like that! (He didn't, and I don't, by the way).

Yet. God is OUR parent. Thus, my boys are going to learn what God as a parent is like from their only source of knowledge about parents....me and their daddy. Wow. Let me say that another way..I am my child's first view of God.

Does that view include Mercy? Does that view include Grace?

Or (cringing a little)

Does that view include short fuses? Yelling? Punishment in anger?

I don't want Isaac and Joel to view God as primarily angry or frustrated. I want them to view God as Mercy. Grace. Help in their time of need. Love.

So I try to parent through that lens. I am far from perfect. But I think I am making imperfect progress. I calm down. I take a breath. I get on their level. And I dig deep (sometimes very deep) for the mercy and grace I want my kids to know.

Because I love them. Because God loves them so much more.

Mercy and Grace...for me, for my children (Part 1)

Sometimes a Bible verse pops up in several places in such a short period of time that it clearly is one I need to focus on.

That happened recently with this verse...and it turned out to be for me AND my children...

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16 NKJV

 I love the words in the verse.

Mercy.

Grace.

Help.

BOLDLY.

It is that last one that really has caught my eye as this verse relates to my life. So often we (well, maybe it is just me) go to God without a spirit of boldness. Like maybe we are bothering him just a little bit with our requests ("um, God, if you don't mind..."). Or maybe we go to God, let's be honestly, with a whiny spirit ("God, but, I waaaannnnt it").  But right here, the writer of Hebrews said we can go BOLDLY! And why not? God is our Father. We should be able to boldly ask our parent for something we need or want.

I am in the Middle Life right now due to a few things I am praying will change. And I should pray BOLDLY.  I can pray for the doors to be open. I can ask and seek and find. God can change each of the circumstances we are facing. At the same time, though, I am asking that if those doors don't open, that God will change my heart, my desires, my outlook. And I am still praying BOLDLY.

A lot of us feel that we can't pray boldly because we have messed up or are unworthy. but that is why the other words are so wonderful.

Grace.

Mercy.

God is Grace. God is Mercy. We can't mess up enough to approach the throne and not obtain mercy and find grace because Jesus paid it all.

ALL. So that we can approach BOLDLY. Like the favored children of a KING that we are.

(Part 2 will be how this verse relates to my children)