The Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. A week to highlight and bring awareness to the fact that 1 in 8 couples will be impacted by infertility. This is near and dear to my heart because we have suffered from infertility in various forms for several years. But last week I wasn't exactly sure what to write about and then I had the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever and I knew what to say (it just took a few more days to find the time!).  

Last Wednesday was my birthday. We had been planning a trip to visit my parents in Seattle, take the kids to the Coast, and a little hopeful house hunting for this Spring. It just worked out for scheduling for us to fly out on my birthday. So I was up at 4:20am on my birthday and on my way with my husband and boys for a cross country flight!

By the time the evening rolled around, even with a pretty good travel day, the boys were starting to melt down. Did I mention there is a 2 hour time change between home and the grandparents house? Yeah, that isn't easy for little boys.

My mom had planned to make my very favorite meal for my birthday dinner, followed by cookies, and presents!!

As soon as we sat down to eat Joel was done with the day. DONE. So I jumped back up and got him ready for bed. Took a bite of food as he had a bottle. Put him to bed. Came back out to eat and my brother had arrived with my new niece. Right as Isaac was done with the day. DONE. So I ate a bite, smiled at the baby, and got Isaac ready for bed. And had a bite of cookie, too!

And on it went until a full hour and half after dinner was started and my mom reheated my birthday dinner when I could finally take more than a bite at a time. And it was probably another hour before Isaac was finally asleep and I saw those presents.

So Worst Birthday Dinner Ever.

Except that it was the Best.

I have celebrated my birthday in Savannah, GA and Rome, Italy and some fancy pants restaurants near the White House.

But I didn't have boys for those dinners. Sure, the food was good (and hot) and I could sit still and enjoy it. But those dinners didn't come with Joel hugs and Isaac smiles. So they were not the Best.

As I got in bed on my birthday I thought about all of that and I wouldn't have given up my evening on Wednesday for anything. It was the Best Birthday Dinner Ever because I finally had those boys I had hoped and dreamed of for so long! They are what makes me birthdays bright and happy!

And I think I will always remember that evening as the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever!

5 Things Not to Say to a Woman Experiencing Secondary Infertility

Infertility is a hard to talk about. It is hard to be the person going through it and it is hard to be the people around the people going through it. It is a very sensitive time but there isn't an easy guide for what to say. So lots of people have written such guides. There are so many really good lists of things to NOT say to a person going through infertility. Since infertility affects about 10% of couples, these are list of things to not say to 10% of people. But not everyone feels comfortable sharing their infertility with a crowd so they really become lists of things not to say ever to anyone.

I loved those lists when we went through infertility the first time. And now we are at it again and the lists are falling short because they are primarily lists of things to not say to someone who has no kids. But what about people who have kids but want another. We get told our share of rude/insensitive/inappropriate things to and so here is my lists of things not to say to people like me...people with kid(s) who want more kid(s). And since you don't always know if someone wants more kids, the rule of not saying these things ever from above still applies.

1. Just adopt again! 
This is so similar to the "just adopt" we got the first go around. We actually did end up adopting our oldest child, but there was no "just" to the process. It was an emotional roller coaster that included very hard decisions, strangers investigating our lives, being chosen to be the parents of a baby, waiting for the baby's first parents to terminate their parental rights. It was HARD. This might bother me even more now that I have been through the process than it did before. If we decide to adopt again it will be our decision and don't cheapen my first born by assuming it is a easy way to get a baby.

2. It happened before.
I really want to answer this one with "read a statistics book". Given the multitude of reasons for infertility, one successful pregnancy does not mean you will have another. And I don't want to tell every person I met that, actually, I have had three failed pregnancies since I gave birth a year and a half ago. So just please don't say this.

3. Can't you be happy with the kids you have?
Oh, I am so so happy with the kids I have. They bring me joy each day. In fact, the joy they bring me is part of why I want more kids!! Please don't imply I am not enjoying these kids because I would like more. Nothing could be further from the truth.

4. Why would you even want more kids?
Yes, they bring me joy. Yes, they are a lot of work. Especially a three year old with a sensory disorder. There are days my limits are tested. But, you know what? Those limits changed a lot after my second and they will change again. The desire is in my heart and I WANT to rise to the occasion of taking care of more kids.

5. God doesn't think you can handle more kids?
No. Actually, we believe the size of our family is a desire from God. This comes across as people just wanting to play "the God card" and kinda makes me like Christians less. So, unless you are a VERY close friend who comes to me and tells me that God has specifically spoken to you about my family size, just don't go here.


Now, I am guessing a few people are thinking "well, gosh, what can I say to this woman?" Well, I am glad you wondered...

1. That must be really hard. 
Just acknowledge that going through this disappointment is hard and I may not always be at my most happy smiley self.

2. Can I babysit for your appointments? A date night?
Seriously, it is hard to balance the kids a mom has with trying to conceive. There can be appointments with doctors or adoption agencies that are hard to take kids to. Or maybe the couple just needs some time to be a couple or they just had a miscarriage and need some time to grieve alone. Just offering to help can make a woman feel like she has a village sharing her hearts burden.

3. I will be praying for you to see God's plan for expanding your family.
I covet the prayers of my friends. I am sure other woman do as well.

4. You are an awesome mom. I would love to see more kids like yours.
Affirmation is always helpful. Trust me. On days when my kids are crazy, I have all kinds of self doubt about my mothering abilities and I start to wonder if God thinks I am a good enough mom. Affirming a mom is ALWAYS a good idea.

5. I'm Sorry. 
Sometimes that is all that needs to said.

Conversations with a Three Year Old: Tomato seeds...or something like that...

Tornado season has started once again in Oklahoma. 

In fact, we had scary tornado on the ground way too close for comfort experience last week which has left our 3 year old wanting to discuss tornadoes all the time.

Except that he can't say "tornado" so we actually spend a lot of time discussing "tomatoes"! As in "Mommy, is the tomato alarm going off today?" "The tomato didn't get our house but it hurt some other houses." 

Tonight was my favorite...Mark told Isaac that it is tornado season and Isaac wanted to know all about the "tomato seeds"! 

And if you think about it, a tomato so big it needed a siren would be very scary...especially if it had a lot of seeds!!