Processing Endings Well

 

                                                                      (A picture from the evening, just because I felt like Cinderella)

My Saturday night was magical.

One time a year, my husband and I get FANCY dressed up and attend a fundraising gala for Encompass, a local pediatric therapy clinic. We go all in on this night. We arrange for overnight babysitting (thanks, Boppa and Grandmom-mom), we arrive to our hotel early in afternoon to rest and get ready for the evening event.

To be honest, the anticipation of this event has helped keep me going over the last few weeks. Weeks filled with some big challenges with kids, many medical appointments and tests for family members, and a full-scale review of an educational plan for one kid. All on top of daily life of a big family and the beginning of the school year. I just kept looking to Saturday night and dreaming about my dress and the fun and the food and the full night of sleep. On Friday I got my nails done and packed my bags, I had almost made it.

Then came Saturday and it was amazing, and I soaked in every minute of it. This year, I was gifted a stunning ball gown and I felt like Cinderella. I came home on Sunday happy and rested. (You can ask my husband about how he won half a hog in a silent auction sometime)

And it was over and all that was left of my fancy, long anticipated evening was the still glittery nail polish (which I am still looking at as a type). The event that had kept me going was done. Now what?

This is where all the work I have been doing on endings comes up yet again. Life has a whole lot of endings, so we need to learn how to handle them well. Otherwise, we can fall into two categories, one where we feel sad that it is over and then the sad gets attached to the event and we don’t even want to think about it because we think about the sad way we felt when it was over. The other one is where we decide it isn’t even worth it to anticipate anything because it always ends. Either way, our lives become generally more disappointing.

There is a healthier way to process the end of something we looked forward to and loved very much and now it is over. The key is we must process it. We need to finish well, even a Saturday night out may need some processing to finish well. And how do we do that? Here are some ideas:

Send a thank you. If there was a host/hostess of the event, send a thank you with an anecdotal highlight of your evening. Tell them how much it meant to you. Maybe send a picture of the event because hosts do not generally get to take many pictures. This doesn’t have to be complicated. In this story, I just sent an email with pictures attached on Monday.

Wrap it up. Do what you need to do to wrap up the event on your side and put everything away. Staring at a pile of unfinished business because you don’t want to think about the event being over is just going to bring you down. This is one reason I recommend unpacking as soon as you get home from a trip. In my story, I was given some phone numbers that I will need to follow up with in about a month, so I put the contacts in my phone and tossed the papers and cleared my desk. Just little things, but they all add up either to wrap up the fun or drag us down.

Find what’s next. A quote attributed to a few people goes like this “everyone needs something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.” I think these are words to live by and yet, the last one is not often done. If we are not careful, we just put our heads down and carry on. So, my last recommendation is to find your next thing to look forward to now that this one is over. My mom keeps a daily countdown on her phone to her next thing and she will reset it almost immediately, even if it is for 200 days later. She has her eye on the next fun thing to keep moving towards.

Having fun is important and on the hard days those things to look forward to and the memories once the event has past is something that we all need. Let’s process them well, remember them fondly, and look forward to the next thing…even when all that is left is the sparkly nail polish.

On Redemption

Redemption is a beautiful concept. To take something, or someone, that was lost or broken or hurt and saving it or them. I can’t think of redemption without getting some tears in my eyes. I love the idea of something or someone being saved, being rescued. Maybe because I can so deeply relate to needing redemption.

I have had several moments in my life when I needed saving. Quite frankly, I need the redemption of Jesus daily. But some seasons stand out as a having a moment of redemption. When the darkness became light. When the valley path started rising to the mountains. When beauty rose from ashes and tears. Today is a day where I celebrate redemption.

It was eight years ago today that I became a mom.

It wasn’t at all the way I expected, but it was the path we came to be on. The path that led to redemption.

In fact, my plan, after a battle with infertility was to give birth on February 22, 2012. I had finally gotten pregnant in June the year prior and this was my due date. Until it wasn’t because I miscarried. Again. The events following that miscarriage showed us that the path we were to take to parenthood was the path of adoption.

The path of infertility and adoption was one of my lowest valleys. It felt dark. It felt lonely. It felt stagnant.

And then came the redemption. The saving. On the very day I thought I would give birth to a baby; one was placed in my arms. I felt the saving. I felt the weight of the darkness start to lift. I started to see the mountain path. My world had felt upside down and this little boy was turning it right side up again. I was a mom for the very first time.

The light was dawning and would continue to get brighter in this corner of my life. Parenthood would prove to have its own challenges (of course!), but my season of longing for a baby was redeemed. There was beauty rising from the ashes in my soul. My tears were tears of joy in the morning.

Adoption is considered a triad relationship: the child, the birth parents, and the adoption parents. We had a blessed opportunity to spend time with Isaac’s birth mother in the days before and after Isaac’s birth. We heard her story. We listened deeply. We cried with her. Yet, there was redemption. I don’t share her story or the beginning of Isaac’s story because they are not mine to tell, but I can say that the moment he placed was in my arms, there was a lot of redemption in the room. How could a mom not think about the woman who gave birth to her son on his birthday? She was first on my mind this morning. She gave me a gift. A gift of redemption. I hope she still feels redemption, too.

I love celebrating Isaac’s birthday. Today he opted to spend the day at home with his family playing with Legos. I am listening to him banter with his brothers as I write this. The story wasn’t at all what I expected when I wanted a baby. But this story has redemption and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Praying for our kids...and their education

Those sweet kids are all heading back to school in the next month and that transition is high in my heart and mind right now. In the last seven and a half years since becoming a mom, I have received more parenting advice than I knew was possible. A couple of those actually stand out, have stood through the test of time, and have continued to help me be a better parent. Not surprising for something that has staying power, both were about praying, seeking and receiving God’s wisdom regarding our children. 

One of these best pieces of wisdom was from an older wise mom regarding how she approached the education of her children. I revisit this every school year as we are preparing our kids, minds, hearts, and home to begin the school year again. 

Each year this woman and her husband would pray over the method of education for each of their three sons for that school year. She knew each child was unique, and in a unique season of life, and that one style of education may not be right for all of them. She shared that one year she had a child in public school, a child in private school, and a child she home schooled (she was a busy momma!). She knew her children would grow and thrive in these spaces. I never knew if she had a preferred education ideology, if she had always planned to home school, or if supporting public education was a core value for her. It didn’t matter. She had prayed over her children and had each one where God said each one would thrive.

When our first child was a little over a year old, I was sitting a table full of moms and was asked “what will you be doing for school for Isaac?”. I had no answer. He was ONE! I must have looked shocked because the follow up was “you NEED to get him on the waiting lists now for the best schools”. Oh boy. I was then treated to each mom telling me the exact educational plan for each family. None of these families even had school age children yet but they had such an important sounding plan. The words I had heard spoken to me earlier came to mind, and not trying to be flippant, I said “well, my husband and I will pray over our son for each school year and place him where we believe God will have him thrive”. That comment took me right out of the comparison plan for education.

We have continued to pray specifically for the best way to educate our kids. Even though our oldest son is only heading to the second grade this fall, we have already made choices we wouldn’t have made if we were not specifically praying for each child each year. Even this year, I made a choice about one of our kids without praying about it, I made what I thought was the "logical" choice, and then it started to not feel right. When we prayed over the decision, we made a completely different choice...one that I can see will help that child thrive and grow.

And we know that God will work out whatever that best place is. Honestly, given our family resources, I am pretty thankful that public school has been a good fit so far. God gave us a home in a fantastic school district for our specific children before we even knew we needed what they had to offer. But, if God calls us to home school one of the kids or send them to a private school, we can trust that he will also provide the necessary resources to make those happen. I can pray with the assurance that God loves my kids even more than I do and He will show us the path He has for each of them and will provide the way to get there.

Giving up to make it through

The last few weeks have had circumstances that individually would have made life challenging. But these were not nicely lining up and waiting their turn, no, these circumstances were all punching at once. One friend asked how I was doing and I replied with “slowly losing the will to survive.” It was dramatic, of course, but I just could not get above the hits. Because I struggle with chronic depression, I am very careful about becoming overwhelmed. I have a lot of built in stops and self-care to manage my mental health. I couldn’t even access a good number of those given the circumstances.

One thing that I know about myself is that my first reaction to struggle is to try harder. This is almost a part of my DNA. I was raised by people with this attitude and I was raised in a culture of this attitude. Not only do I try harder on whatever is going on, if that isn’t possible, I try harder in other areas to hope to compensate in the area where I feel stuck. My most recent example of this was actually during the last week. I was literally stuck at home (too much snow to leave) with a sick baby and two other kids and I was sick myself. So what did I do? I finished painting Isaac’s room. No joke. I figured that even if everything else fell apart, I would have one thing accomplished. Truthfully, it did feel good and it helped me later in the week to have that done. So I won’t say I shouldn’t have done it, but it does sound funny to say I did that in the midst of all that was going on.

Sometimes when I am in these places, though, I end up creating extra work or anxiety just to feel like I am “doing something”. Last week, I tried a different approach to see if it would help with anxiety and mental health. I gave up.

I came up with the idea when I was thinking about the military term “embrace the suck”. The idea there is that you can’t change your circumstances, so embrace them and get through them, rather than fighting against it as you go. I couldn’t change the snow. I couldn’t change my child being sick. I couldn’t change myself being sick. I couldn’t change being “on” all the time. I couldn’t change my husband being out of town. And, really, there wasn’t much to do.

Normally in that time I would find something to do, and I did in the painting, but that didn’t take long. So I would turn to “well I can read and study for work I have coming up”. But this time I didn’t do that. I decided to give up on it all and read a novel. Just lose myself in a book as much as I could. Let the kids watch TV and sit next to them and read.

I started to think maybe I needed to give up to make it through. I had a mental picture of Devil’s Snare from Harry Potter….that struggling could actually make it worse. That I just needed to relax everything to get out of this space. I stopped reading non-fiction and finished 3 books last week. I didn’t make a real planned dinner for over a week. And this season of circumstances is still not over, but I do feel like I am making it. I can do this. Our routine will reemerge in the coming weeks. All the tasks will get done. My kids will eat regular dinners again. I will get my work and study done. But for now I am going to go read a book.

Be anxious for nothing

Be anxious for nothing.

I am a naturally anxious person. It is just something I struggle with. I have a child with a diagnosed anxiety disorder…I don’t exactly wonder where he got it from.

It is nine days in to the new year and those have been some pretty anxious days. I want to say they have been anxious regarding things outside of my control but the problem with that is the control. What exactly is in my control? That might not be nearly as much as I want to believe, so maybe it is time to address the anxiety rather than the control.

This came up with my therapist this week. He said, to my face, I was an anxious person. Ouch, but fair, and not exactly a news flash. I just don’t like people saying it because that means my façade of control has slipped. He actually went one further. He said “she is anxious and probably copes with her anxiety by planning”. Hmm. It hit me that was a nice way to say “she likes to control stuff”. And I really, really do.

Much of my coping as a special needs mom is planning and controlling what I can. And to be fair to myself, there is a lot to plan and coordinate, but I may go overboard. Maybe. Ok, fine. I do.

And then something comes along that can’t be immediately planned and organized and I am a HOT MESS. Or maybe it isn’t mine to drive. I have to support instead. There may still be a role for a planner, but it might be slower than I want.

What then? My anxiety coping plan doesn’t exactly work well in those conditions.

It is dawning on me that I need to refocus and make some changes. I need to go back to the roots of the anxiety. I need to go back to “be anxious for nothing.” Not by planning but by applying more directly the next verses in the Bible….and, while I am at it, the one right before it, too.

After all, it is the very first Bible verse I can remember memorizing!

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice” (Philippians 4:4)

I think rejoicing is the first step in being prepared to “be anxious for nothing”.

Today I was reading Max Lucado’s book Anxious for Nothing and this is where he starts and this line knocked me back on the couch: “We are urged to ‘Rejoice in the Lord.’ This verse is a call, not to a feeling, but to a decision and a deeply rooted confidence that God exists, that he is in control, and that he is good.” Full stop. Am I living this? If I am coping with anxiety through control, am I living this? Probably not, much as I dislike even typing that. He goes on to write “anxiety increases as perceived control diminishes”, yet “we can’t take control because control is not ours to take”. Well, that shoots pretty straight at the matter. I get the feeling God nudged me to read this book today, in the middle of this week, at the start of this year where anxiety is trying to strangle me in just the first 9 days.

For the last many, 10ish I would guess, years I have tried to have a word of the year. Some worked better than others. I wasn’t exactly feeling the idea this year and I don’t like to push something “just because I have always done it” so 2019 didn’t have a word. Today I realized that it doesn’t need a word, it needs a whole phrase!

“Be anxious for nothing”

And then I need to work on changing what I do with anxiety, how I approach it, how I acknowledge the sovereignty of God at work in my family.

So, stay tuned because, of course, I can’t learn something new without writing about it!!!

My 2018 goal

I set out at the beginning of the year to write more. Late in 2017, I read about the idea of having just one goal and focusing on that rather than several goals that might all get mixed up. I decided to try it with writing. For the first time in my adult life my goal list had just one item. That was to write an average of 500 words per week and to have 26,000 words written by the end of 2018. These would be journal entries, blog posts, and speech notes. Every week the top item on my planner was “500 words”.

I started strong. When I really sit down to write, I can often go far past 500 words on a blog post. The Spring was solid and I was actually ahead. Then Summer came and I had 4 small people to keep busy. I started to slip. I wasn’t hitting 500 words every week. But it was my one goal so I wasn’t going to let a few weeks slip stop me for the year. I had ONE GOAL. I couldn’t fail at just one. I could fail at many, but to fail at one? That would just be sad.

I rallied in September and found a new writing time. I wasn’t too far behind. I could still do this thing. It would just take determination. And then the Fall holidays began and it was hard to find the time again. But still, I wanted to do this thing and I wasn’t that far behind.

That brought me to early December. I had to write 3000 words by the end of the year. I started to wonder if I could really do it. That would be more than 500 words a week at a busy time of year. I told my dad I didn’t know if I could make it and he asked where I was on my goal. I said “3000 words away, I might just fail”.

His reply changed my game.

He said “You already are at 85% or so of your goal. You may miss the word count, but that is hardly a fail.”

He was right. Since when would 85% be failing? And more importantly, I have written more this year than ever before because of this goal. My husband has encouraged my writing more this year than ever before because he knew my goal. I am closer to be a “real writer” than ever before. My goal has moved me forward as a person and a writer and that is what goals are supposed to do. So even if I missed the 26,000 words, I would not be failing my goal.

And that, as it turned out, made my want to write even more. I wrote during naptime. I took my kids to the Y playrooms and never made it to the exercise rooms, I would just write in the lobby. I might miss my goal. But I was not failing and I was a better person for trying. I was at peace with myself regarding my goal, which can be just as important as meeting the goal itself.

That brings me to today. I am super excited to report that I have done it! I have written 26,118 words in 2018. I am crying as I write this. It was a stretch goal. I could have quit with 4 little human excuses. But I didn’t. I kept going and I did it!!

And here’s to 30,000 words in 2019!

Was 2018 a bad year?

It is almost the end of 2018. Another 12 month have past and we are at that point of looking back at what has been and forward to what will be. I don’t know any adult who isn’t at least a bit reflective at this time of year. In the last few weeks, this reflection and thinking of 2018 has been visible on Facebook. I have seen a larger number of articles and memes than I ever remember there being in past years on why this was such a bad year. That 2018 was the worst year of our lives. Articles trying to explain this through astrology. Or memes about just a few more days and 2019 will surely be better.

Now, I am sure that 2018 was very hard and the worst year for some people (I know some of these people closely and it rings true for them). BUT was it really the worst year for EVERYONE, as social media seems to want me to think? Really, I almost started to believe it was true and to buy in to the idea that we should write off this whole year and try again in 2019. So I needed to step back and look at my own data. Check my own facts. Look at my very own year. Not the one I was being told about.

I decided to compile a list of good things about 2018, big and small, and see what I found. So here is my data in no particular order….

1. We bought our first house. One that our kids had known for 2.5 years as home.

2. Our kids were all able to stay in their schools because we didn’t have to move.

3. We found a new church that fits our family well and our kids love to attend.

4. We went on an 8 day kid free vacation and reconnected.

5. Eloise met all of her developmental milestones.

6. Peter began walking with confidence and running.

7. Peter began to talk in clear sentences.

8. Isaac learned to read.

9. Joel learned to ride a bike.

10. Mark got his role as acting program manager.

11. We spent 11 days on the Oregon Coast!

12. We joined the Y and the kids confidence in swimming has grown a ton.

13. I made some new friends joining the Y.

14. I started my own Facebook page as a writer,

15. I have written consistently enough I feel like I can say I am a writer.

16. Mark and I have grown closer as a couple.

17. We were able to help TWO therapy clinics raise funding to help other families.

18. We have had the money we needed for the expenses we have had.

19. Peter’s development grew exponentially at Stepping Stones.

20. Mark got an unexpected bonus.

21. Peter’s transition to the school district went pretty smoothly.

22. Peter gets special instruction in Braille daily at school and loves it.

23. Isaac found a therapist that he really connected with.

24. Joel continued to love preschool and adores his new teacher almost as much as his prior teacher.

25. Our kids get to go to work with my mom sometimes which gives me some little breaks.

26. I spent a weekend at the Oregon Coast with my mom.

27. My grandma moved to just 5 minutes away from us.

28. My kids are developing personal relationships with their great grandma.

29. Our cars didn’t need any major work even though they are old.

30. We got our backyard fixed up to be more useable.

Ok, so that is just the first 30. I need to get to bed at some point tonight! I am sure, though, that I could continue in to the night.

Given my own data points above, I am going to make my own declaration about 2018. There was good in this year. I know it had its ups and downs but it clearly there have been reasons to celebrate. So I am making my own determination. I won’t let social media tell me that 2018 was the worst year. I know it was good for me and my family and I will look forward to 2019 with anticipation of more good to come.

Seasons of transition

I like to think of life in terms of seasons. I love the changing of the seasons in our physical world. I am not even sure I have a favorite season because I am ready for each one and embrace the change.

So I also think of my life in the same way...seasons that come and change and go and flow together and grow from each other. Some of them are seasons of excitement (hello, wedding), some are seasons of big change (hello, new baby), some are seasons of sadness (goodbye, dear friend), and some are highlighted by the transitions that they will bring to our lives.

I have been knowing this current season of transition was coming, at least a part of it, for the better part of two years. I knew that the end of November 2018 would mark a dramatic change in the life of one of my children, and by extension, my life as his mother would also have a large shift. I knew that it would not be a quick and easy process to get him through the transition. That my job as his advocate and voice would be exponentially larger through this season. To get him to and through the transition.

It is a season I have looked ahead to with both excitement and dread. Maybe because I knew it had a date associated with it even two years ago, I have had a lot of time to think about it and ask others who have gone through it and think of how it would play out. I knew it would be a hard season, even with the good that it could bring. There was no doubt in my mind that this end of 2018 would be mentally and emotionally taxing.

And now it is here and, to be totally honest with you, it has been harder than I even thought it would be. I have been trying to figure out why and I think I figured it out today. Because I only thought of that one aspect of life when I thought about this season and now I am here and there are SO MANY other things going on. Life doesn't happen in a vacuum.

See, my vision impaired toddler is going to be 3 years old this month. It has been a long and hard 3 years. Some days I am amazed we have made it here and he is mostly thriving. But age 3 signals a HUGE change in how kiddos like Peter are provided public support services . We will go from home based therapy to therapy based in the public school system. On his 3rd birthday, he will begin developmental preschool 4 days a week. He will be away from home for 3+ hours on those 4 days. That is a big deal for him at this age. For me, getting all the services lined up is a fight. It was a known fight and it has already had some big fights (and wins, so that is good, but still). It is making me tired.

I knew I would need to focus on this transition for these months. It is always on my mind. But so are the zillion other details of life with a family of 6. The baby had eye surgery last week! We are sharing our story in support of one of our therapy clinics on Saturday night...at a black tie affair with over 400 people in attendance. My husband has been in a state of transition with his job for the last few months. Life is so big right now.

In the midst of it all, I had some personal goals I wanted to achieve. Those who know what they are have been encouraging, but it has also made it almost feel like a bigger burden. And I am getting so tired.

So I forgot a key component to making it through a season of transition. I forgot that I need to give myself extra grace. That some things will slide. That I will have to unclench my fists and let go of a few things. That I can't do it all. That I have a high need for sleep that increases with stress. That I live my daily life with depression not super far behind and I need to be taking care of myself to keep it where it belongs.

I have cried a lot this week. That is a sure sign something isn't right. But it is getting better tonight. I remembered grace today. I talked to my people about how I feel. One of them encouraged me to remember the season. One of them reminded me that lists will help me. One of them brought me red roses.

I am remembering my season and that I need grace. I am smelling my flowers. And here is my list....

1. Remember grace
2. Get sleep
3. Do what I can for Peter
4. Let God do the rest for Peter
5. Set my other big projects aside for 2019
6. Exercise, meditation, and focused breathing every day
7. Embrace the chaos
8. Do one thing each day just for me...reading, writing, coffee, something

Above all, remember this is a season. It isn't forever. It will change like all those before and after. I will continue to grow and remember grace and hopefully look back on this season as one that birthed great new seasons to come.

My Happy Shoes

These are my Happy Shoes.

I got these shoes for Christmas...as in I saw them in the store and thought they were so perfect that I bought them and had Mark give them to me for Christmas.

I call these my Happy Shoes because they literally add to my happiness every time I wear them.

I wear my Happy Shoes when it is gray outside and I am happier.

I wear my Happy Shoes when I have to advocate for my special needs son...again...and they add some happy.

I wear my Happy Shoes when I need to drop off 3 boys for 3 schools and life feels crazy and I can look down and think "but at least I have Happy Shoes."

I wear my Happy Shoes on days when it is really hard to get out of bed. When I feel like I might cry all day. When I feel like it is hard to breath. When I just can't be me for one more day. Then I slip in to my Happy Shoes and somehow a tiny voice says "You can do this. Look at how cute your shoes are."

I need Happy Shoes because I struggle with depression. Sometime no matter what is going on, and sometimes because of what is going on, my brain just struggles. I haven't felt clinically depressed in about 5 years, but I struggle regularly with what I call my "pre depressed feeling", maybe "the blues" or "the duldrums", but I know when I am there that I need to take action. I need to act my way to a better place. This is actually fairly impossible for a person in a real state of depression, but where I am, in my "pre depression", I have a tool box of actions that can help me. And one of those tools is to wear my Happy Shoes. And so I do and so it helps my brain.

But why bring them up today?

Well, those "Happy Shoes" are by designer Kate Spade. It shook me to my core this week to know that the amazingly talented woman who made my Happy Shoes struggled so much that she couldn't see a way to keep going, so she didn't, she stopped living. I cried. Not because I knew her, but because without her making my Happy Shoes, I would have one less tool to fight against this demon. She helped me in my fight and she didn't even know. She was struggling in a fight. Did anyone know? Who else is struggling? Does anyone see? These are big questions. We have to start answering them.

I will continue to wear my Happy Shoes. They are a part of my tool box. I will wear them to help my own mind and I will wear them as a reminder to always be looking out for those around me who are struggling.

On draining and recharging

I spent a weekend recently on an AMAZING trip away to New York City. It was exactly what my spirit needed in this crazy middle of life. I needed to be away to get renewed to come home and be a better mommy, wife, and human.

I was recharging a VERY empty battery. Not until I was away did I even realize just how soul crushingly tired I had been. I would have told you I was that tired, but until I was really starting to recharge, I didn’t even grasp the full magnitude of the problem.

As I was recharging, I was thinking about what I needed to do to not get to that place again, because, really, mommy can’t just run off to the city very often! The goal becomes staying charged up to a healthy level all the time. I think this is where we could have a long talk on self care routines, but that isn’t the point here because I realized something else as well.

Part of knowing more about your battery, is knowing what is draining it. When our cell phone battery is continually draining quickly we start to charge it more. This is a good practice, but to really solve the problem we actually need to know why it is draining so quickly. There is a part of the phone that shows how much of the battery is used by each app and we learn that not all apps use the same amount of battery. Ah-ha! Our lives are like this as well. Not all our roles use the same amount of battery. Some things just take a lot more out of us than others. Honestly, I think we all get that on some level, but there is a part of it that women really seem to struggle with.

Here is the biggie….not all apps drain all batteries the same. I have an example. My aunt’s phone battery was draining fast, so she checked the battery usage and found a particular app draining the resources. I had the same app on my phone and it wasn’t doing the same thing. Interesting. Same app. Different phone. Different battery drain. See where I am going with this? In our lives we look around and see someone else doing similar things and they are not feeling like their soul is sucked dry so we think “I am weak because this is killing my spirit.” NO! Our souls are all individually wired and have different capacity for different things. Maybe one woman is amazing with several kids, while another mom is at her limit with one. Maybe one woman finds housework a joy, and another it is the hardest part of her life. Maybe some women just have an oversized capacity in general and can “do it all” with grace. We just can’t compare. It does no good. My aunt comparing her phone and mine does no actual good to her battery power. If she wants more power, she has to deal with the battery she has and the apps she is running.

So goes our lives. We need to be assessing within ourselves, without comparison, what our battery usage looks like, what is draining it, how quickly it recharges. All without judgement on ourselves or others. It is quite possible that you just have to delete an app. It takes too much energy that isn’t worth it. Maybe it is a change in lifestyle. Maybe it is cooking less or outsourcing cleaning. I firmly believe this is why some women do better with working full time and having their kids in some kind of child care (that kid app can be exhausting if it runs all.the.time!). It could be giving up the dream of homeschooling because that one certain kid is a battery drain. The only one who knows is you. No one else.

I have been taking this week back home to think about some of these things. Where is my drain? What does my recharge look like? How often do I need to plug in? Back to self-care for a minute, what charges my battery in different amounts of time? All of these questions I am still answering for myself are going to be the key to keeping my soul at a healthy level of charged so I can be the thriving person I want to be.

A Few Thoughts on Adoption

November does a lot of celebrating of adoption...World Adoption Day (today), National Adoption Day (in a few weeks), and Orphan Sunday (for you church folks)...all this month so there is a lot of talk about adoption out there for a few weeks.

One look at my family and it should be pretty obvious that this topic is near to my heart. So dear, in fact, that we don't really need November to remind us...we celebrate adoption daily.

But it never hurts to stop and share a few thoughts...so here are a few that have been floating around in my head.

First, "orphan" is not my favorite word to use in adoption. Yes, there are a LOT of orphans and many of them are adopted into homes but not all adoptees are "orphans" exactly. That implies a lack of parents. My son never lacked in parents. In fact, he has an abundance! He went from one set of loving parents to another through an amazing act of love. My point:

1. A young man walked up to my husband and me, shook our hands, and expressed his appreciation and gratitude for the journey we were about to take to raise his son.
2. A young woman with tears in her eyes transferred a tiny little baby into my arms, said "I will always love him", and turned away so she wouldn't have to watch us leave with her son in our arms.

That boy was loved by parents from his first moment. He isn't an orphan. Ok, that was sort of my soap box moment. 

Moving on.

Second, sitting in church on "Orphan Sunday", I wondered if it gets at more Christians to use that wording because of the whole idea of orphans adopted by God? I don't really know. What I would have liked to have said to our church family, and I may well ask to say at some point, is that you don't have to adopt to care for the orphans (silly idea...but you don't have to marry to care for a widow, so there). We needed (still need? may always need?) a huge amount of support to adopt. There were many places our church family at the time stepped in...financially, physically (fundraising is WORK, people!), and emotionally. In my mind these people were very involved in adoption even if they didn't take the child home (and a few probably would have!). I think a lot of Christians don't feel like they are in a position to take in a child so they do nothing but those are the extremes...just find an adopted or foster family and come alongside us. We all need it. Trust me.

Third, it isn't really possible to describe how I felt the day Isaac's adoption was finalized and he was forever a member of our family and I was forever his mom. I just can't wrap words around the impact of the judge asking if we were swearing to be this child's parents forever and then issuing the final "forever" verdict. Yet this is also what God did for us in adopting us into his family. Honestly, before  I stood before the judge on finalization day I don't think I fully grasped the implications of adoption by God. Maybe it was just me, I don't know, but I almost think there isn't any way to fully grasp the adoptive love of God without adopting a child. I know that is most likely an oversimplification, and not everyone is going to adopt, but, man, if you are considering adoption....just know that it will have some crazy profound impacts like this one that you never even considered. 

People say we changed Isaac's life, true enough, but no one gives quite enough credit to how much Isaac' changed our lives.

The Awesome House Finding Story

We arrived in Seattle late on Friday night with ONE week to find a house. After months of wondering if the job would come through or looking at houses night after night, we still were uncertain about buying or renting. We were just hoping we would get a clear answer as we went...

Saturday we set out to look at houses we had seen on the MLS and a few town homes for rent. The houses for sale were not what we were looking for and the town homes were not quite what we wanted either (small kids + giant hill = no bike rides in the driveway). I was feeling a little defeated at the end of the day, BUT we really like my parents church and we would get to go the next day so at least we had that to look forward to before resuming our search.

During church on Sunday, where we were once again welcomed with open arms, I spent a lot of time praying. I even wrote on Facebook something like "we don't have a house, but we have a church and that seems like good place to start".

Turns out it was the perfect place to start!

I mentioned to the pastor that we were looking for a place to live (he knew we had been hoping for a Seattle transfer) before the service. At the greeting time he told Mark that a house was vacant in his neighborhood. That just two doors down from his family was a home vacated by the church guitar player. This sounded interesting.

After church Mark went to ask the pastor again about the house and to get an introduction to the prior tenant. When I came back from getting the kids, Mark was talking with the guy and getting the land lady's information and the address.

As soon as we could leave the boys with their grandparents after lunch we went to scope it out. A lovely little neighborhood and in an area that we wouldn't have even look otherwise. It was feeling like a God thing!

Monday morning I called this random lady and asked if she was still the owner and interested in renting the house. She said she hadn't even had time to list it yet. Perfect! We want first pick!

Wednesday we met her at the house to walk through and it looked like a good fit for our family. As we left, the pastor was in his driveway so we went over and talked to him. Their family is very similar to ours in number/ages of kids.

Thursday we turned in our application and prayed like crazy. We had a couple back ups (see town house mentioned above) but really wanted this house...and to have a solid answer before we left on Friday.

On Friday morning we were heading to the airport and I got an email saying we were APPROVED! Thank you, GOD! It will be so fun to live by kids that our boys can play with and two doors down from the location of the small group we would best fit in for church!

Going to church really is the best place to start....and we are off to a great one in our new adventure!

Brave: A Pep Talk, Of Sorts...

I have a thing about bravery. I guess you could say I have been studying the idea of bravery this year.

This year has required some bravery. Not the easy peasy looking movie version...the REAL version: The sleepless nights, endless thinking about possibilities, crying on the shower floor, real deal bravery.

And, well, sometimes often frequently I fall off my own wagon. I just hit on the despair and can't get to the bravery of just moving through a life that is a bit hard right now.

So I needed a pep talk last week. I was feeling miserable about a lot of things and had to really stop and really think "what is the brave answer?". And a few things came to mind...my own visual pep talk..before I settled on the brave answer that day.

I figure if I post them all here, I can revisit this pep talk as needed this summer. Seriously, it will be needed.

First, one of my favorite songs. I keep this loaded on my phone for a quick reminder...

(There is a music video version, but honestly, I don't get it)

And then I read this Bible verse...

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.- 2 Timothy 1:7

I love that verse for bravery. Sometimes I am fearful of just life and I need the reminder that I have been given a spirit far beyond fear.

God then used my brother in a crazy way for my pep talk. My birthday was 2 months ago but on the day I needed this bravery reminder...well, a birthday present came from my brother...

A "be brave" bracelet!!

And finally, a post from one of my favorite authors and random Facebook post writers, Jon Acuff!

Bravery is a choice, not a feeling.
Posted by Jon Acuff on Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Once I had gone through all of those, I could think about my question...

"what is the brave next step?"

and I found one.

Not a perfect answer to all of life's current problems but an answer of what would brave look like for that day. And that tiny start of movement from desperate to brave started to move again in my soul and that was enough.

Be Brave.

Not So Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday. I feel like it probably should be since I have two little boys and I AM a Mother. But it just isn't.

Because for years it wasn't a good day for me and, even though I finally became a mother, I still get those feelings of disappointment for other women. And because I have had that disappointment again this year...my arms are holding fewer children than we expected for this Mother's Day.

And churches just make it worse. They really do.

To poorly hack from Dickens....Mother's Day is a poor excuse for churches to segregate women every second Sunday in May.

I am on the mailing list for a few churches and each has plans to segregate women in some way on Mother's Day all in the name of family. This is a holiday that isn't even a church holiday. Really, they could just ignore it and still be Bible following Christians. Instead, they will add to the hurt women face in the world by bringing it right through the door of the church.

Women shouldn't have to prove anything on Mother's Day. It will cause hurt. I can 100% assure you it will cause hurt if women are segregated at church on Mother's Day.

A couple ways this is true (just in case you are sure your church is one that segregates nicely)...

1. Mother's v. non-mothers -

• Some women are hurting and want to be mom's...please don't rub it in at church. These women may even have angel babies in heaven. These babies made them mom's. Give her a flower.
• Some women are mothers even if not in the biological family sense (example - I have a cousin who has never had "her own kids" but has run a daycare for decades...she has wiped more tears and rears than most moms...and I consider her to be one to "her kids"!). These women deserve flowers, too.
• Not all mom's have their babies in their arms. Isaac's birthmom is a mother. She always will be. She made pretty much the most self sacrificing decision I can think of to not parent him. She should be recognized, but she should have to point herself out. Just give her the flower.

2. Types of mothers -

Some churches seem to want to give extra attention to single mom's. I get this one, sort of. These women are definitely amazing for carrying the burden of raising kids alone. BUT, just because someone is married, doesn't mean she isn't in the same position. Many women are carrying this burden and could use some extra pampering because being married to a guy who isn't leading is really hard. In fact, give this woman two of something! And then what about the woman who is married to a pretty good guy but they feel called to have a stay at home mom so finances are pretty tight. She doesn't get that manicure because she has a husband? I bet she hasn't seen the inside of a salon in years. Bless this woman on Mother's Day, too, please.

And then there is another issue that makes this day hard...not all mothers are awesome. They are just not. So to say "everyone has a reason to celebrate Mother's Day because everyone has a mother" is pretty much a knife to the heart of the person who was abused by their mom. Please just don't say this. 

So I still avoid church on Mother's Day sometimes. I just can't bare to watch churches further wound these women than it would be so easy to bless.

My advice for church leaders? Keep it simple. Keep it small. Keep it universal. Don't make a woman prove her motherhood. This will do wonders for healing and blessing. 

If you do want to do a reading, I suggest the following. Again, it will be a path to healing and blessing and isn't that the point of the church?

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

 Reading Quoted From The Messy Middle

The Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. A week to highlight and bring awareness to the fact that 1 in 8 couples will be impacted by infertility. This is near and dear to my heart because we have suffered from infertility in various forms for several years. But last week I wasn't exactly sure what to write about and then I had the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever and I knew what to say (it just took a few more days to find the time!).  

Last Wednesday was my birthday. We had been planning a trip to visit my parents in Seattle, take the kids to the Coast, and a little hopeful house hunting for this Spring. It just worked out for scheduling for us to fly out on my birthday. So I was up at 4:20am on my birthday and on my way with my husband and boys for a cross country flight!

By the time the evening rolled around, even with a pretty good travel day, the boys were starting to melt down. Did I mention there is a 2 hour time change between home and the grandparents house? Yeah, that isn't easy for little boys.

My mom had planned to make my very favorite meal for my birthday dinner, followed by cookies, and presents!!

As soon as we sat down to eat Joel was done with the day. DONE. So I jumped back up and got him ready for bed. Took a bite of food as he had a bottle. Put him to bed. Came back out to eat and my brother had arrived with my new niece. Right as Isaac was done with the day. DONE. So I ate a bite, smiled at the baby, and got Isaac ready for bed. And had a bite of cookie, too!

And on it went until a full hour and half after dinner was started and my mom reheated my birthday dinner when I could finally take more than a bite at a time. And it was probably another hour before Isaac was finally asleep and I saw those presents.

So Worst Birthday Dinner Ever.

Except that it was the Best.

I have celebrated my birthday in Savannah, GA and Rome, Italy and some fancy pants restaurants near the White House.

But I didn't have boys for those dinners. Sure, the food was good (and hot) and I could sit still and enjoy it. But those dinners didn't come with Joel hugs and Isaac smiles. So they were not the Best.

As I got in bed on my birthday I thought about all of that and I wouldn't have given up my evening on Wednesday for anything. It was the Best Birthday Dinner Ever because I finally had those boys I had hoped and dreamed of for so long! They are what makes me birthdays bright and happy!

And I think I will always remember that evening as the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever!

My Mission Statement

This is my Facebook status from this morning:

Woke up feeling a little overwhelmed...then I remembered that everything I want to do today is part of living my mission so it will be a great day no matter how much gets accomplished!

It is now it is 8:45 pm and I feel a sense of accomplishment in this day.

For exactly the reason I thought I would at 8:45 this morning.

Not everything on my list got done, but I lived my mission. So there was accomplishment far deeper than checking off a task list.

Here are some of the things I did today...

Visited with a friend
Made sugar cookies with 2 sweet girls and 1 silly Isaac.
A few loads of laundry.
Ironing.

And it all fits my mission. I love having a mission that fits all of my life into a simple phrase.

To inspire, believe in, and accomplish growth in myself and those around me.

 That's it. One simple phrase.

My last quarter of college I had to take a senior capstone class that tied together the four years of schooling I was finishing. Except my program was so small we didn't have one. So I took a Journey Through Leadership class instead. It was there that I was guided through writing my mission.

I think the coolest thing about my mission statement was that I wrote it when I was thinking my life was going to be a career in economics (specifically having a PhD in economics and working for the Department of State on the economic mission to the European Union) and it still works as a stay at home mom with a part time business selling children's books.

My mission has become part of my life habits. I don't necessarily think it every day, but it is a part of my every day. Here are a few ways this is true:

One of my favorite uses of my mission statement is using it to say "yes" or "no". There are so many demands on our time these days...church, kids, community, etc. When I get asked to do something, I can evaluate it against my mission statement and determine my answer. Now, my mission statement is a habit so I generally don't even think really hard about this, I just know if something fits. This is important because I have only so much time, energy, money, emotional resilience and doing one thing means I can't do something else. But, I also want to please people so I have the tendency to fill guilty about saying "no"...but if I am saying no because it doesn't match my mission I have almost no guilt at all!

Another way I love my mission being part of my life is that even if my "to do" list isn't completed, I still have accomplishment. This happens more days than I would really like, but still, I have accomplishment when I live my mission. That might mean setting aside my list to spend extra time pouring into my boys personal growth or decorating cookies with little girls. At the end of the day, I have accomplishment. Bringing it back to a daily habit, I don't have to write my "to do" list sitting in front of my mission statement...what I want to do generally flows out of that mission.

In general I think mission statements help ground us to our values and set a vision for our future. To create a future that is what we want it to be rather than just were we are pulled or how we feel on a certain day.

If you don't have a mission statement, I really recommend spending some time to find one....and make sure it is broad and simple enough to fit your life today and in the future. And check back here because I am going to have another post soon on figuring out your mission!