Giving up to make it through

The last few weeks have had circumstances that individually would have made life challenging. But these were not nicely lining up and waiting their turn, no, these circumstances were all punching at once. One friend asked how I was doing and I replied with “slowly losing the will to survive.” It was dramatic, of course, but I just could not get above the hits. Because I struggle with chronic depression, I am very careful about becoming overwhelmed. I have a lot of built in stops and self-care to manage my mental health. I couldn’t even access a good number of those given the circumstances.

One thing that I know about myself is that my first reaction to struggle is to try harder. This is almost a part of my DNA. I was raised by people with this attitude and I was raised in a culture of this attitude. Not only do I try harder on whatever is going on, if that isn’t possible, I try harder in other areas to hope to compensate in the area where I feel stuck. My most recent example of this was actually during the last week. I was literally stuck at home (too much snow to leave) with a sick baby and two other kids and I was sick myself. So what did I do? I finished painting Isaac’s room. No joke. I figured that even if everything else fell apart, I would have one thing accomplished. Truthfully, it did feel good and it helped me later in the week to have that done. So I won’t say I shouldn’t have done it, but it does sound funny to say I did that in the midst of all that was going on.

Sometimes when I am in these places, though, I end up creating extra work or anxiety just to feel like I am “doing something”. Last week, I tried a different approach to see if it would help with anxiety and mental health. I gave up.

I came up with the idea when I was thinking about the military term “embrace the suck”. The idea there is that you can’t change your circumstances, so embrace them and get through them, rather than fighting against it as you go. I couldn’t change the snow. I couldn’t change my child being sick. I couldn’t change myself being sick. I couldn’t change being “on” all the time. I couldn’t change my husband being out of town. And, really, there wasn’t much to do.

Normally in that time I would find something to do, and I did in the painting, but that didn’t take long. So I would turn to “well I can read and study for work I have coming up”. But this time I didn’t do that. I decided to give up on it all and read a novel. Just lose myself in a book as much as I could. Let the kids watch TV and sit next to them and read.

I started to think maybe I needed to give up to make it through. I had a mental picture of Devil’s Snare from Harry Potter….that struggling could actually make it worse. That I just needed to relax everything to get out of this space. I stopped reading non-fiction and finished 3 books last week. I didn’t make a real planned dinner for over a week. And this season of circumstances is still not over, but I do feel like I am making it. I can do this. Our routine will reemerge in the coming weeks. All the tasks will get done. My kids will eat regular dinners again. I will get my work and study done. But for now I am going to go read a book.

Seasons of transition

I like to think of life in terms of seasons. I love the changing of the seasons in our physical world. I am not even sure I have a favorite season because I am ready for each one and embrace the change.

So I also think of my life in the same way...seasons that come and change and go and flow together and grow from each other. Some of them are seasons of excitement (hello, wedding), some are seasons of big change (hello, new baby), some are seasons of sadness (goodbye, dear friend), and some are highlighted by the transitions that they will bring to our lives.

I have been knowing this current season of transition was coming, at least a part of it, for the better part of two years. I knew that the end of November 2018 would mark a dramatic change in the life of one of my children, and by extension, my life as his mother would also have a large shift. I knew that it would not be a quick and easy process to get him through the transition. That my job as his advocate and voice would be exponentially larger through this season. To get him to and through the transition.

It is a season I have looked ahead to with both excitement and dread. Maybe because I knew it had a date associated with it even two years ago, I have had a lot of time to think about it and ask others who have gone through it and think of how it would play out. I knew it would be a hard season, even with the good that it could bring. There was no doubt in my mind that this end of 2018 would be mentally and emotionally taxing.

And now it is here and, to be totally honest with you, it has been harder than I even thought it would be. I have been trying to figure out why and I think I figured it out today. Because I only thought of that one aspect of life when I thought about this season and now I am here and there are SO MANY other things going on. Life doesn't happen in a vacuum.

See, my vision impaired toddler is going to be 3 years old this month. It has been a long and hard 3 years. Some days I am amazed we have made it here and he is mostly thriving. But age 3 signals a HUGE change in how kiddos like Peter are provided public support services . We will go from home based therapy to therapy based in the public school system. On his 3rd birthday, he will begin developmental preschool 4 days a week. He will be away from home for 3+ hours on those 4 days. That is a big deal for him at this age. For me, getting all the services lined up is a fight. It was a known fight and it has already had some big fights (and wins, so that is good, but still). It is making me tired.

I knew I would need to focus on this transition for these months. It is always on my mind. But so are the zillion other details of life with a family of 6. The baby had eye surgery last week! We are sharing our story in support of one of our therapy clinics on Saturday night...at a black tie affair with over 400 people in attendance. My husband has been in a state of transition with his job for the last few months. Life is so big right now.

In the midst of it all, I had some personal goals I wanted to achieve. Those who know what they are have been encouraging, but it has also made it almost feel like a bigger burden. And I am getting so tired.

So I forgot a key component to making it through a season of transition. I forgot that I need to give myself extra grace. That some things will slide. That I will have to unclench my fists and let go of a few things. That I can't do it all. That I have a high need for sleep that increases with stress. That I live my daily life with depression not super far behind and I need to be taking care of myself to keep it where it belongs.

I have cried a lot this week. That is a sure sign something isn't right. But it is getting better tonight. I remembered grace today. I talked to my people about how I feel. One of them encouraged me to remember the season. One of them reminded me that lists will help me. One of them brought me red roses.

I am remembering my season and that I need grace. I am smelling my flowers. And here is my list....

1. Remember grace
2. Get sleep
3. Do what I can for Peter
4. Let God do the rest for Peter
5. Set my other big projects aside for 2019
6. Exercise, meditation, and focused breathing every day
7. Embrace the chaos
8. Do one thing each day just for me...reading, writing, coffee, something

Above all, remember this is a season. It isn't forever. It will change like all those before and after. I will continue to grow and remember grace and hopefully look back on this season as one that birthed great new seasons to come.

A night alone

Over the course of the last year or two as I have learned what self care means on a regular basis and to me personally, I have been trying to take a night away from home every month (or maybe two). My husband does an amazing job of keeping everyone happy at home so I can step away, pause, and renew my mind for my role as wife, mother, and operations manager of our family!

(These nights do always feature a favorite take out dinner)

Sometimes it is about sleep (okay, it is always a little bit about sleep) and reading or watching a movie and just stepping out of my daily roles.

But more often it is about a moment to pause and reflect on what has been happening in my rapid fire lifestyle. It is a time to look ahead to what is coming. What season are we in? What is the next season? What needs to be prepared for next?

There are nights like this one where I know that we are entering a busy few weeks. That this

is our last weekend home before we are out of town for three weekends in a row. Tonight is about having the time to put on some quiet music of my own choosing (and not negotiating with a six year old DJ) and putting some thought into what we need to pack. To take a moment to figure out some logistics. Have time to hear my own thoughts about what a trip to the beach for 10 days looks like (do you even understand the packing this involves?).

It doesn't have to be a movie night on the couch to be self care. It can be a night of balancing the check book, finishing a few projects, and planning for the next few weeks that restores my soul and fills my cup. These might actually be my favorite evenings away alone. The ones where I am still actively playing out my roles but just in a calmer environment that speaks to my soul.

I will finish up soon. I will head to bed for that sleep I mentioned. Then I will get up tomorrow and be so excited to see all my people. The ones for whom I am happy to do this work, this planning, this preparation. The ones who will bring the noisy back in to my day. The sweet faces I get to travel with for the next few weeks and I will be in a much better place to take them all on.