Conversations with a Three Year Old: Morning Sickness Edition

In general, all of our conversations with Isaac regarding the new baby are pretty funny. He certainly has a lot of questions, ideas, and opinions (especially about names!). Some of his best comments, though, come about when I am sick (and by "sick", I mean leaning over the toilet loosing my breakfast). And since this happens almost every day...well, there is a lot of talk about vomit around here!

Sunday's version...

We were actually on our way to church and I wasn't feeling well. I told Mark to pull over so I could throw up before we got to the church parking lot. As I was leaning out the car door, I hear this conversation...

Isaac: Is Mommy throwing up the baby? [an ongoing concern]

Daddy: No, the baby just sometimes makes Mommy's tummy hurt so she throws up food. Only a doctor can get the baby out. [Because that is all a three year old needs to know!]

Isaac: He will use a rope. [WHAT?!?!?!]

Daddy: Nooo, he won't use a rope to the get baby out. Sometimes he uses his hands. And sometimes the doctor even uses a knife!

Isaac: How?

I abruptly ended their chat at this point because as you are throwing up on the side of the road you don't really want to contemplate having a baby cut out of you with a knife!!!

I can only imagine the questions regarding delivery are only going to get more interesting from here!!

A Thriving Surprise

I have some happy Thriving news today!

One of the reasons I found myself in the Middle Life this year was my desire for another child. We always wanted several kids, but kids haven't been easy to come by in our family. So I felt in the Middle with my desires.

In the last year we lost three babies at early stages of pregnancy. It hurts. It makes it hard to Thrive, but we continued to have faith that we would have more kids. And I blogged about it, too!

And now we have some happy news!! Actually, the happy news has been around for a few months, but when you have the problems we do it is hard to share early...so we waiting and prayed and hoped and prayed and started to allow ourselves to dream...and now we can finally share this happy news...

That's Right...we are adding a fifth Bennett in December!!

So far everything looks perfect with this little guy and we are so thankful for yet another miracle boy!!

The Poop Story

Because every family with small kids needs a good poop story. Be warned, this is probably not the post to read if you don't like a crazy poop story!

Last night right after dinner Mark needed to mow the lawn. I told him the boys needed a bath and I was just about over the day.

Famous last words.

Because then...
Joel has a tendency to poop in the bathtub. I have no idea why, but we deal with this on a pretty regular basis. Which is a bigger problem than it even sounds when you have two kids bathing together. I was pretty sure we would be OK, though, because Joel had already had a dirty diaper that day.

I was wrong.

A few minutes into the bath and there is a tiny speck of poop in the water because Joel tooted. Everyone out, drain, start over. Hurry to wash everyone just in case. Isaac starts to yell. Joel is fully pooping on one of the toy boats! I quickly grab child and boat and the water remains clean for Isaac...but I have a poopy child and boat in my hands. So I try to dump the poop in the toilet but splash it on the floor as Joel jerked my arm while trying to sit down and also smears poop on the side of the tub. I can deal with this. Clean up kid. Clean up toilet enough that we can start to dry everyone off and move to the jammies stage. The rest of the bathroom bleaching can come a little later.

Get the boys in their towels and grab the first bunch of poopy towels to get to the washing machine. House is too quite. Yep, naked boys outside! I go outside to get them and Isaac said they both needed to poop so they went outside. I pointed out that we poop indoors and ushered everyone back inside.

Isaac heads for the bathroom but lets me know it is not clean enough to use. So I run in to wipe it down quickly for him. Turn around to get Joel so I can get someone, ANYONE, in clothing. No Joel. He is outside AGAIN. This time actually pooping on the patio!! And then walked through it! AHHHH!

Got Joel inside and cleaned up. Noticed poop on my jeans. The whole time I am cleaning up Joel, Isaac is yelling that he needs to poop but there is a toy in the potty! WHAT?!?!?  Yes, he chose that moment to put a matchbox car in the toilet! Feeling like some child of mine needed to be in a safe and secure spot, I put Joel in his crib. Went to the bathroom with Isaac and made him get the toy out of the toilet. Then I told him to wash up and grabbed his still naked self to get him to the sink. At which point he yells "JUST DON"T TOUCH MY BUTT!" And I look down to see that he had already started to poop...and it was on my other pant leg! Great. Now I have poop from TWO kids on me! So I get him back on the toilet and go add my jeans to the poopy laundry pile. Then I went and cleaned up the patio. Then I wiped Isaac's behind and got clothes on him.

And at that moment Mark comes back in from simply mowing the yard. And did I ever have a story for him...

As an added bonus, somewhere in that story, I hurt my ankle...no idea where, no idea how, but it hurt! Thankfully, it is getting a little better tonight.

Not So Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday. I feel like it probably should be since I have two little boys and I AM a Mother. But it just isn't.

Because for years it wasn't a good day for me and, even though I finally became a mother, I still get those feelings of disappointment for other women. And because I have had that disappointment again this year...my arms are holding fewer children than we expected for this Mother's Day.

And churches just make it worse. They really do.

To poorly hack from Dickens....Mother's Day is a poor excuse for churches to segregate women every second Sunday in May.

I am on the mailing list for a few churches and each has plans to segregate women in some way on Mother's Day all in the name of family. This is a holiday that isn't even a church holiday. Really, they could just ignore it and still be Bible following Christians. Instead, they will add to the hurt women face in the world by bringing it right through the door of the church.

Women shouldn't have to prove anything on Mother's Day. It will cause hurt. I can 100% assure you it will cause hurt if women are segregated at church on Mother's Day.

A couple ways this is true (just in case you are sure your church is one that segregates nicely)...

1. Mother's v. non-mothers -

• Some women are hurting and want to be mom's...please don't rub it in at church. These women may even have angel babies in heaven. These babies made them mom's. Give her a flower.
• Some women are mothers even if not in the biological family sense (example - I have a cousin who has never had "her own kids" but has run a daycare for decades...she has wiped more tears and rears than most moms...and I consider her to be one to "her kids"!). These women deserve flowers, too.
• Not all mom's have their babies in their arms. Isaac's birthmom is a mother. She always will be. She made pretty much the most self sacrificing decision I can think of to not parent him. She should be recognized, but she should have to point herself out. Just give her the flower.

2. Types of mothers -

Some churches seem to want to give extra attention to single mom's. I get this one, sort of. These women are definitely amazing for carrying the burden of raising kids alone. BUT, just because someone is married, doesn't mean she isn't in the same position. Many women are carrying this burden and could use some extra pampering because being married to a guy who isn't leading is really hard. In fact, give this woman two of something! And then what about the woman who is married to a pretty good guy but they feel called to have a stay at home mom so finances are pretty tight. She doesn't get that manicure because she has a husband? I bet she hasn't seen the inside of a salon in years. Bless this woman on Mother's Day, too, please.

And then there is another issue that makes this day hard...not all mothers are awesome. They are just not. So to say "everyone has a reason to celebrate Mother's Day because everyone has a mother" is pretty much a knife to the heart of the person who was abused by their mom. Please just don't say this. 

So I still avoid church on Mother's Day sometimes. I just can't bare to watch churches further wound these women than it would be so easy to bless.

My advice for church leaders? Keep it simple. Keep it small. Keep it universal. Don't make a woman prove her motherhood. This will do wonders for healing and blessing. 

If you do want to do a reading, I suggest the following. Again, it will be a path to healing and blessing and isn't that the point of the church?

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

 Reading Quoted From The Messy Middle

The Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. A week to highlight and bring awareness to the fact that 1 in 8 couples will be impacted by infertility. This is near and dear to my heart because we have suffered from infertility in various forms for several years. But last week I wasn't exactly sure what to write about and then I had the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever and I knew what to say (it just took a few more days to find the time!).  

Last Wednesday was my birthday. We had been planning a trip to visit my parents in Seattle, take the kids to the Coast, and a little hopeful house hunting for this Spring. It just worked out for scheduling for us to fly out on my birthday. So I was up at 4:20am on my birthday and on my way with my husband and boys for a cross country flight!

By the time the evening rolled around, even with a pretty good travel day, the boys were starting to melt down. Did I mention there is a 2 hour time change between home and the grandparents house? Yeah, that isn't easy for little boys.

My mom had planned to make my very favorite meal for my birthday dinner, followed by cookies, and presents!!

As soon as we sat down to eat Joel was done with the day. DONE. So I jumped back up and got him ready for bed. Took a bite of food as he had a bottle. Put him to bed. Came back out to eat and my brother had arrived with my new niece. Right as Isaac was done with the day. DONE. So I ate a bite, smiled at the baby, and got Isaac ready for bed. And had a bite of cookie, too!

And on it went until a full hour and half after dinner was started and my mom reheated my birthday dinner when I could finally take more than a bite at a time. And it was probably another hour before Isaac was finally asleep and I saw those presents.

So Worst Birthday Dinner Ever.

Except that it was the Best.

I have celebrated my birthday in Savannah, GA and Rome, Italy and some fancy pants restaurants near the White House.

But I didn't have boys for those dinners. Sure, the food was good (and hot) and I could sit still and enjoy it. But those dinners didn't come with Joel hugs and Isaac smiles. So they were not the Best.

As I got in bed on my birthday I thought about all of that and I wouldn't have given up my evening on Wednesday for anything. It was the Best Birthday Dinner Ever because I finally had those boys I had hoped and dreamed of for so long! They are what makes me birthdays bright and happy!

And I think I will always remember that evening as the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever!

5 Things Not to Say to a Woman Experiencing Secondary Infertility

Infertility is a hard to talk about. It is hard to be the person going through it and it is hard to be the people around the people going through it. It is a very sensitive time but there isn't an easy guide for what to say. So lots of people have written such guides. There are so many really good lists of things to NOT say to a person going through infertility. Since infertility affects about 10% of couples, these are list of things to not say to 10% of people. But not everyone feels comfortable sharing their infertility with a crowd so they really become lists of things not to say ever to anyone.

I loved those lists when we went through infertility the first time. And now we are at it again and the lists are falling short because they are primarily lists of things to not say to someone who has no kids. But what about people who have kids but want another. We get told our share of rude/insensitive/inappropriate things to and so here is my lists of things not to say to people like me...people with kid(s) who want more kid(s). And since you don't always know if someone wants more kids, the rule of not saying these things ever from above still applies.

1. Just adopt again! 
This is so similar to the "just adopt" we got the first go around. We actually did end up adopting our oldest child, but there was no "just" to the process. It was an emotional roller coaster that included very hard decisions, strangers investigating our lives, being chosen to be the parents of a baby, waiting for the baby's first parents to terminate their parental rights. It was HARD. This might bother me even more now that I have been through the process than it did before. If we decide to adopt again it will be our decision and don't cheapen my first born by assuming it is a easy way to get a baby.

2. It happened before.
I really want to answer this one with "read a statistics book". Given the multitude of reasons for infertility, one successful pregnancy does not mean you will have another. And I don't want to tell every person I met that, actually, I have had three failed pregnancies since I gave birth a year and a half ago. So just please don't say this.

3. Can't you be happy with the kids you have?
Oh, I am so so happy with the kids I have. They bring me joy each day. In fact, the joy they bring me is part of why I want more kids!! Please don't imply I am not enjoying these kids because I would like more. Nothing could be further from the truth.

4. Why would you even want more kids?
Yes, they bring me joy. Yes, they are a lot of work. Especially a three year old with a sensory disorder. There are days my limits are tested. But, you know what? Those limits changed a lot after my second and they will change again. The desire is in my heart and I WANT to rise to the occasion of taking care of more kids.

5. God doesn't think you can handle more kids?
No. Actually, we believe the size of our family is a desire from God. This comes across as people just wanting to play "the God card" and kinda makes me like Christians less. So, unless you are a VERY close friend who comes to me and tells me that God has specifically spoken to you about my family size, just don't go here.


Now, I am guessing a few people are thinking "well, gosh, what can I say to this woman?" Well, I am glad you wondered...

1. That must be really hard. 
Just acknowledge that going through this disappointment is hard and I may not always be at my most happy smiley self.

2. Can I babysit for your appointments? A date night?
Seriously, it is hard to balance the kids a mom has with trying to conceive. There can be appointments with doctors or adoption agencies that are hard to take kids to. Or maybe the couple just needs some time to be a couple or they just had a miscarriage and need some time to grieve alone. Just offering to help can make a woman feel like she has a village sharing her hearts burden.

3. I will be praying for you to see God's plan for expanding your family.
I covet the prayers of my friends. I am sure other woman do as well.

4. You are an awesome mom. I would love to see more kids like yours.
Affirmation is always helpful. Trust me. On days when my kids are crazy, I have all kinds of self doubt about my mothering abilities and I start to wonder if God thinks I am a good enough mom. Affirming a mom is ALWAYS a good idea.

5. I'm Sorry. 
Sometimes that is all that needs to said.

Conversations with a Three Year Old: Tomato seeds...or something like that...

Tornado season has started once again in Oklahoma. 

In fact, we had scary tornado on the ground way too close for comfort experience last week which has left our 3 year old wanting to discuss tornadoes all the time.

Except that he can't say "tornado" so we actually spend a lot of time discussing "tomatoes"! As in "Mommy, is the tomato alarm going off today?" "The tomato didn't get our house but it hurt some other houses." 

Tonight was my favorite...Mark told Isaac that it is tornado season and Isaac wanted to know all about the "tomato seeds"! 

And if you think about it, a tomato so big it needed a siren would be very scary...especially if it had a lot of seeds!!