Thank God for Kids

“If it weren't for kids have you ever thought 

There wouldn't be no Santa Claus 

...thank God for kids”

I have always loved that song but it was hard to hear for a lot of years when we so wanted children we couldn’t seem to have. Then, 7 years ago, there was a Christmas filled with some hope as we were a waiting adoptive family. That year at the church Christmas Eve service I held up two candles…one for me and one for the baby I hoped God would give me in the next year. One day shy of two months after that service, I would hold my baby in my arms. God had heard our cries and given us the perfect baby he had picked for us. He gave us laughter again. He gave us Isaac.

The next Christmas, Isaac was 10 months old and holding his own candle at Christmas Eve. He was called out by Pastor Joel as “the child waving his candle more vigorously than others”! I cried again that year, but happy tears.

Little did we know that the very next year, we would experience “Baby’s First Christmas” again. We added Joel to our family that year with another sense of amazement at carrying a baby to a full term pregnancy.

In the following years we would add two additional children. One that on his first Christmas we were both thankful for him presence in our lives but very worried about why he seemed to not be able to see. The next year, Peter would be wearing glasses and just about to start using a mobility cane.

And that would also be the year we would do our final “Baby’s First Christmas”, but that one would include ribbons and bows and frilly ruffled dresses. Our Ellie girl had arrived that year.

This year, as I listened to the words “thank God for kids”, I am so incredibly thankful for my kids. I am thankful we got our children. I know that many arms are still empty. I am extra thankful we got all four of them and were able to close our family building chapter as we wished. I know that many arms are not as full as they wanted. I am excited for the next season of kids. I know not all parents get to watch their kids grow up. I am thankful.

Thank God for kids.

Merry Christmas

Was 2018 a bad year?

It is almost the end of 2018. Another 12 month have past and we are at that point of looking back at what has been and forward to what will be. I don’t know any adult who isn’t at least a bit reflective at this time of year. In the last few weeks, this reflection and thinking of 2018 has been visible on Facebook. I have seen a larger number of articles and memes than I ever remember there being in past years on why this was such a bad year. That 2018 was the worst year of our lives. Articles trying to explain this through astrology. Or memes about just a few more days and 2019 will surely be better.

Now, I am sure that 2018 was very hard and the worst year for some people (I know some of these people closely and it rings true for them). BUT was it really the worst year for EVERYONE, as social media seems to want me to think? Really, I almost started to believe it was true and to buy in to the idea that we should write off this whole year and try again in 2019. So I needed to step back and look at my own data. Check my own facts. Look at my very own year. Not the one I was being told about.

I decided to compile a list of good things about 2018, big and small, and see what I found. So here is my data in no particular order….

1. We bought our first house. One that our kids had known for 2.5 years as home.

2. Our kids were all able to stay in their schools because we didn’t have to move.

3. We found a new church that fits our family well and our kids love to attend.

4. We went on an 8 day kid free vacation and reconnected.

5. Eloise met all of her developmental milestones.

6. Peter began walking with confidence and running.

7. Peter began to talk in clear sentences.

8. Isaac learned to read.

9. Joel learned to ride a bike.

10. Mark got his role as acting program manager.

11. We spent 11 days on the Oregon Coast!

12. We joined the Y and the kids confidence in swimming has grown a ton.

13. I made some new friends joining the Y.

14. I started my own Facebook page as a writer,

15. I have written consistently enough I feel like I can say I am a writer.

16. Mark and I have grown closer as a couple.

17. We were able to help TWO therapy clinics raise funding to help other families.

18. We have had the money we needed for the expenses we have had.

19. Peter’s development grew exponentially at Stepping Stones.

20. Mark got an unexpected bonus.

21. Peter’s transition to the school district went pretty smoothly.

22. Peter gets special instruction in Braille daily at school and loves it.

23. Isaac found a therapist that he really connected with.

24. Joel continued to love preschool and adores his new teacher almost as much as his prior teacher.

25. Our kids get to go to work with my mom sometimes which gives me some little breaks.

26. I spent a weekend at the Oregon Coast with my mom.

27. My grandma moved to just 5 minutes away from us.

28. My kids are developing personal relationships with their great grandma.

29. Our cars didn’t need any major work even though they are old.

30. We got our backyard fixed up to be more useable.

Ok, so that is just the first 30. I need to get to bed at some point tonight! I am sure, though, that I could continue in to the night.

Given my own data points above, I am going to make my own declaration about 2018. There was good in this year. I know it had its ups and downs but it clearly there have been reasons to celebrate. So I am making my own determination. I won’t let social media tell me that 2018 was the worst year. I know it was good for me and my family and I will look forward to 2019 with anticipation of more good to come.

Seasons of transition

I like to think of life in terms of seasons. I love the changing of the seasons in our physical world. I am not even sure I have a favorite season because I am ready for each one and embrace the change.

So I also think of my life in the same way...seasons that come and change and go and flow together and grow from each other. Some of them are seasons of excitement (hello, wedding), some are seasons of big change (hello, new baby), some are seasons of sadness (goodbye, dear friend), and some are highlighted by the transitions that they will bring to our lives.

I have been knowing this current season of transition was coming, at least a part of it, for the better part of two years. I knew that the end of November 2018 would mark a dramatic change in the life of one of my children, and by extension, my life as his mother would also have a large shift. I knew that it would not be a quick and easy process to get him through the transition. That my job as his advocate and voice would be exponentially larger through this season. To get him to and through the transition.

It is a season I have looked ahead to with both excitement and dread. Maybe because I knew it had a date associated with it even two years ago, I have had a lot of time to think about it and ask others who have gone through it and think of how it would play out. I knew it would be a hard season, even with the good that it could bring. There was no doubt in my mind that this end of 2018 would be mentally and emotionally taxing.

And now it is here and, to be totally honest with you, it has been harder than I even thought it would be. I have been trying to figure out why and I think I figured it out today. Because I only thought of that one aspect of life when I thought about this season and now I am here and there are SO MANY other things going on. Life doesn't happen in a vacuum.

See, my vision impaired toddler is going to be 3 years old this month. It has been a long and hard 3 years. Some days I am amazed we have made it here and he is mostly thriving. But age 3 signals a HUGE change in how kiddos like Peter are provided public support services . We will go from home based therapy to therapy based in the public school system. On his 3rd birthday, he will begin developmental preschool 4 days a week. He will be away from home for 3+ hours on those 4 days. That is a big deal for him at this age. For me, getting all the services lined up is a fight. It was a known fight and it has already had some big fights (and wins, so that is good, but still). It is making me tired.

I knew I would need to focus on this transition for these months. It is always on my mind. But so are the zillion other details of life with a family of 6. The baby had eye surgery last week! We are sharing our story in support of one of our therapy clinics on Saturday night...at a black tie affair with over 400 people in attendance. My husband has been in a state of transition with his job for the last few months. Life is so big right now.

In the midst of it all, I had some personal goals I wanted to achieve. Those who know what they are have been encouraging, but it has also made it almost feel like a bigger burden. And I am getting so tired.

So I forgot a key component to making it through a season of transition. I forgot that I need to give myself extra grace. That some things will slide. That I will have to unclench my fists and let go of a few things. That I can't do it all. That I have a high need for sleep that increases with stress. That I live my daily life with depression not super far behind and I need to be taking care of myself to keep it where it belongs.

I have cried a lot this week. That is a sure sign something isn't right. But it is getting better tonight. I remembered grace today. I talked to my people about how I feel. One of them encouraged me to remember the season. One of them reminded me that lists will help me. One of them brought me red roses.

I am remembering my season and that I need grace. I am smelling my flowers. And here is my list....

1. Remember grace
2. Get sleep
3. Do what I can for Peter
4. Let God do the rest for Peter
5. Set my other big projects aside for 2019
6. Exercise, meditation, and focused breathing every day
7. Embrace the chaos
8. Do one thing each day just for me...reading, writing, coffee, something

Above all, remember this is a season. It isn't forever. It will change like all those before and after. I will continue to grow and remember grace and hopefully look back on this season as one that birthed great new seasons to come.

Siblings Without Rivalry - A few thoughts

Sometime in the Spring I told the Facebook world that I was about to read the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I have long been a fan of their book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen so I was excited when I realized this sibling book I had heard a lot about was by the same two ladies.

It turned out I was not the only mom interested in reading this book. When I posted about starting it on Facebook, a surprising number of my friends responded with “oh, I have been meaning to read that book”. I know how hard it can be to get around to reading a parenting book when you are in the middle of actually parenting children so I took some notes and I am offering here a small look in to a few things that struck me personally in case a few of my friends still haven’t had a chance to pick up the book.

Overall, the ideas presented made sense and I got some good ideas. The format is something like a report on group sessions so there are lots of stories and lots of questions from various people posed to the authors. It doesn’t just read as a straight up “do this” book, but rather has several voices and even some disagreement with the author’s approaches that are worked out over a few of their sessions.

I am going to be upfront about my biggest challenge with the book. While they eventually got to my burning issue at page 164, I wish they would have acknowledged it earlier. The ideas in this book are geared towards neurotypical, typically developing children with relatively stable mental health. They are great ideas when you can reason with the siblings, when rational discussion can be comprehended, and when there is not a complete imbalance in the sibling relationship where physical aggression is routinely seen from one specific child. For that family, they would still recommend bringing in professional medical and mental health supports to work with the unique family. This made perfect sense, because as I was reading the book, I thought this is great for my kids that don’t need a ton of parent support to live on the same planet. It would not prove as effective for the kid that I was struggling with the most. Thankfully, we do have the recommended support team in place for our family, but if someone is super struggling with a very intense and aggressive sibling situation, I wouldn’t spend time with this book. Just go to a professional who can work with your family directly.

Okay, that is off my chest and I can share the other tidbits I learned 😊

I will be the first to admit it is hard not to cast my kids in to roles. Really, society sets this up for us without even much thought. Just think about all the of the research done on birth order. Then we add in our love of our kids and they all have personalities that are unique and we want to praise their strengths. But how we do that matters. How our other kids hear us talk about their siblings matter. My best example of this is music and dancing at my house. One of my kids does have some natural talent for music, beats, and dance movies. We have gushed over his dancing more than once. We have, and I cringe here, said “at least someone in this family can dance!”. Then there is that child’s sibling, who maybe doesn’t have the innate talent so, while we are not mean, we are not encouraging his dancing so much. Then one day, right after I read this book, this child was dancing and said “Mommy, dancing makes me happy and brings me joy. I could dance all day!” Full stop what mommy was doing. This child understands what brings him joy, regardless of how his actions are perceived by others. I want to celebrate and encourage all day long those activities that bring my children joy. So now we have no “dancing king”. We just have kids that love to dance. All of them. In the book this statement hit home for me “We want to make it clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship, dance, drama, poetry, sport are for everyone and not reserved for those who have a special aptitude.” (page 97)

I definitely focused a little more on the chapter about fighting. It is hard, as a parent, to know when/if/how to intervene in the fights of our children. This book focuses on empowering children to settle their own disputes. Even so far as to walk in, state the issue in a way that expresses empathy for both children, letting them know that you are fully confident in their ability to settle this, and then walk back out. I have started using this with a couple of my kiddos and it works amazingly well. Just expressing my confidence in them as little boys who can solve this together goes so much further than mommy trying to play Solomon. Now, this doesn’t work so well when physical violence is common. Those kiddos who are being physically attacked are entitled to adult intervention and swiftly. Another take away from this chapter, not necessarily a new concept but a good reminder, was that forced sharing can cause the child to hold on even tighter. Letting the siblings work out sharing fosters more of a sense of knowing that they are important enough to not have things that are important to them. The overall theme of this chapter was “basically, we try not to interfere, but when we must step in, it’s always with the thought that at the earliest possible moment we will turn the children back to dealing with each other. It is the best preparation we can give them for the rest of their lives.” (page 157)

The chapter on comparison had a lot of good role playing for how damaging comparison can be. Even we are thinking it can be a motivator to a sibling. It is best to just find a totally different way to motivate and move a child. “Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any reference to his brother. The key world is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child’s behavior. Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.” (page 55)

“To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self -  is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.” (page 71) There is an entire chapter about how we show love to each child and it reminded me of a sign that sits in my living room, that I received just days before adding child number four to our family. It reads “no matter how many children a mother has, she loves each one the best.” Not that she loves them the same. She loves each one the best. For who they are as an individual. One of the best ways we can do that is to spend intentional time alone with each child every week. Where we are totally focused on that one child and they know that they have our attention. I find that this can still be time where something is being done for the family, if necessary, such as grocery shopping with one child. To hear about his day. To see the world through her eyes. Kids say way different things when they are not a voice in the crowd. I believe this intentional time will get harder as they grow, but it will be my priority to make it happen so I know exactly who they are and what I love about them that is uniquely their own self.

I will be keeping this book for reference as more of my kids are in the targeted age group (school age) and can reason and discuss their way through problems (it wasn’t meant to break up toddler level hair pulling fights). If you are just looking for a few ways to increase the peace in your house through siblings working together, it certainly is worth the read.

Falling apart and what happens next

Many people tell me that they are amazed at my calm and humor and grace in the middle of life as the mom of the Bennett crew. And, because I am working on not having a self-depreciating attitude, I will say that they are right. I am good at generally keeping it together in what is a pretty high stress mothering environment.

That doesn’t mean I don’t fall apart sometimes. Sometimes I fall apart in a big big way. It would probably be a bad sign if I stopped falling apart because there are days life is seriously awful and if I wasn’t falling apart it would be because I had stopped feeling anything at all. So sometimes I do fall epically apart. Mostly in private because of my personality, but sometimes even in public I just lose it.

I had a such a day two weeks ago.  It had been a rough 24 hours with our oldest son. It was time to get to the bus and he wasn’t having it. His anxiety and disruptive behaviors were at a premium. It took the whole village that is my neighborhood to get him on the bus. I had no idea what I was going to do if he didn’t get on that bus. I was panicked. When the bus doors finally close, with him safely on board, I broke down in tears. My neighbors gave me hugs. I cried all the way (super late) to my double preschool drop offs. I cried through drop offs. I cried clear through the Starbucks drive thru window.

What happened next, though, is the important part. I stopped crying. I did my next things and while I did, I started to deconstruct the morning. I asked myself a lot of questions. What triggered the child? What made me feel the most upset? What could have changed? What couldn’t change? Where could I call in some resources? Who could help me? And with those questions I started to create an action plan. A plan of people to call, places to go, a plan of what I was going to do for my own spirit after it had been so totally stomped on that morning.

With those thoughts, the clouds in my head and my heart started to clear. My soul was coming back to where it should be. To be honest, the problem wasn’t solved. I had no clear answers or promises that this wouldn’t happen again. Getting the answers to my questions and getting a plan in place took a few days of hard work, and it took some not taking no for an answer.

All the while I still was doing my regular next things of parenting and life. The taking a deep breath, the thinking through the events, the analysis and refocus, those I would argue are the healthy result of falling apart. Now, it would have been easier to give up on that day. To go home and eat a bunch of junk comfort food and watch a movie or bury myself in a book. Those are the not healthy responses to falling apart, those responses take you from falling apart over one thing to a life falling apart and a depressed spirit, if I may be so bold as to say.

We don’t have to put on a wonder woman face to the world, we don’t have to have it 100% together, we can, and should, fall apart sometimes. Where we go from there, though, can have a huge impact on our souls. So, I will keep falling apart AND I will keep putting myself back together. Hopefully an even better version, a wiser and new lesson learned version, of myself.

A night alone

Over the course of the last year or two as I have learned what self care means on a regular basis and to me personally, I have been trying to take a night away from home every month (or maybe two). My husband does an amazing job of keeping everyone happy at home so I can step away, pause, and renew my mind for my role as wife, mother, and operations manager of our family!

(These nights do always feature a favorite take out dinner)

Sometimes it is about sleep (okay, it is always a little bit about sleep) and reading or watching a movie and just stepping out of my daily roles.

But more often it is about a moment to pause and reflect on what has been happening in my rapid fire lifestyle. It is a time to look ahead to what is coming. What season are we in? What is the next season? What needs to be prepared for next?

There are nights like this one where I know that we are entering a busy few weeks. That this

is our last weekend home before we are out of town for three weekends in a row. Tonight is about having the time to put on some quiet music of my own choosing (and not negotiating with a six year old DJ) and putting some thought into what we need to pack. To take a moment to figure out some logistics. Have time to hear my own thoughts about what a trip to the beach for 10 days looks like (do you even understand the packing this involves?).

It doesn't have to be a movie night on the couch to be self care. It can be a night of balancing the check book, finishing a few projects, and planning for the next few weeks that restores my soul and fills my cup. These might actually be my favorite evenings away alone. The ones where I am still actively playing out my roles but just in a calmer environment that speaks to my soul.

I will finish up soon. I will head to bed for that sleep I mentioned. Then I will get up tomorrow and be so excited to see all my people. The ones for whom I am happy to do this work, this planning, this preparation. The ones who will bring the noisy back in to my day. The sweet faces I get to travel with for the next few weeks and I will be in a much better place to take them all on.

It's July!

It’s July!

I have this odd affinity for the month of July. I can dress my baby in everything red, white, and blue and for a few weeks we don’t stand out. It is the start of the really sunny season where we live (that is July and August, for those of you who are not from Seattle). But it also is the longest month my kids are out of school. There are no family birthday’s in July. In some ways it could just be a “filler” month, but it isn’t.

See, I love calendars and dates and attaching meaning to dates. When I was a little girl, our phone book had pages with the calendar for the next several years. Yes, now I can pull it up on my phone, but at the time, I loved those pages. Full of possibility. Full of knowing when your birthday would next land on a Saturday. How do leap years change the day of the week Christmas will fall on when I am 10 years old. Definitely the best pages of the phone book.

I can remember many things tied to certain dates. I will amaze my family with “7 years ago today we were doing this or that” or “in two years Christmas will be on a Sunday and I wonder how that will impact our plans for church”. Ok, fine, maybe I don’t so much as amaze them as I annoy them, whatever, they love me. Almost as much as I love dates on the calendar.

Let’s get back to July and why July is important. When I was a child, we went on a family vacation one year to a resort not far from our home. On the Sunday morning of our visit, we watched workers pressure wash a deck (super exciting vacation times, I know!). Someone in our group wondered how often they did that job. We thought it could be every Sunday. But it was also July 1^st. So it could be weekly, or monthly, or quarterly, or even biannually! It was a fairly silly and inconsequential debate that I have remembered for over 2 decades. Why? Because it showed how many different time increments start on July 1^st (especially if July 1^st is a Sunday, like this year).

July is just full of starts!! It isn’t usually seen this way. January gets the big billing for starting new things, but July should be right up there in its possibilities! We still have half a YEAR left to do the things we wanted to do this year. That is exciting. We still have six more months. We have two quarters left. We have 26 weeks, people. There is so much we can do if we start right now!

If we had intentions in January that we didn’t quite get to, we are only at half time, we can start now and finish very well. If we look back on the first six months and don’t like what we see, we can finish the second half stronger. It’s JULY!!

For me, I am excited to report that my one and only goal I was planning to focus on for 2018 is going well. I cut back to one goal because it was that important to me and with that, I have successfully made the half way mark. I am celebrating and continuing strong on this in July.

But I also realize that there are a couple other things I need to not let slide. Instead of thinking “well, guess the year is a bust, I will get that started in January”, I decided to make some new goal charts. Add a couple new things. I can do this! I have the whole second half of the year to make these in to habits before we event get to January.

It’s July! A month of fresh possibilities. A perfect time to start something, to celebrate the halfway of accomplishment, to refocus on intentional living and finishing the year strong. What can you do with this possibility month to finish the year strong? Let’s go get it!!