Falling apart and what happens next

Many people tell me that they are amazed at my calm and humor and grace in the middle of life as the mom of the Bennett crew. And, because I am working on not having a self-depreciating attitude, I will say that they are right. I am good at generally keeping it together in what is a pretty high stress mothering environment.

That doesn’t mean I don’t fall apart sometimes. Sometimes I fall apart in a big big way. It would probably be a bad sign if I stopped falling apart because there are days life is seriously awful and if I wasn’t falling apart it would be because I had stopped feeling anything at all. So sometimes I do fall epically apart. Mostly in private because of my personality, but sometimes even in public I just lose it.

I had a such a day two weeks ago.  It had been a rough 24 hours with our oldest son. It was time to get to the bus and he wasn’t having it. His anxiety and disruptive behaviors were at a premium. It took the whole village that is my neighborhood to get him on the bus. I had no idea what I was going to do if he didn’t get on that bus. I was panicked. When the bus doors finally close, with him safely on board, I broke down in tears. My neighbors gave me hugs. I cried all the way (super late) to my double preschool drop offs. I cried through drop offs. I cried clear through the Starbucks drive thru window.

What happened next, though, is the important part. I stopped crying. I did my next things and while I did, I started to deconstruct the morning. I asked myself a lot of questions. What triggered the child? What made me feel the most upset? What could have changed? What couldn’t change? Where could I call in some resources? Who could help me? And with those questions I started to create an action plan. A plan of people to call, places to go, a plan of what I was going to do for my own spirit after it had been so totally stomped on that morning.

With those thoughts, the clouds in my head and my heart started to clear. My soul was coming back to where it should be. To be honest, the problem wasn’t solved. I had no clear answers or promises that this wouldn’t happen again. Getting the answers to my questions and getting a plan in place took a few days of hard work, and it took some not taking no for an answer.

All the while I still was doing my regular next things of parenting and life. The taking a deep breath, the thinking through the events, the analysis and refocus, those I would argue are the healthy result of falling apart. Now, it would have been easier to give up on that day. To go home and eat a bunch of junk comfort food and watch a movie or bury myself in a book. Those are the not healthy responses to falling apart, those responses take you from falling apart over one thing to a life falling apart and a depressed spirit, if I may be so bold as to say.

We don’t have to put on a wonder woman face to the world, we don’t have to have it 100% together, we can, and should, fall apart sometimes. Where we go from there, though, can have a huge impact on our souls. So, I will keep falling apart AND I will keep putting myself back together. Hopefully an even better version, a wiser and new lesson learned version, of myself.

A night alone

Over the course of the last year or two as I have learned what self care means on a regular basis and to me personally, I have been trying to take a night away from home every month (or maybe two). My husband does an amazing job of keeping everyone happy at home so I can step away, pause, and renew my mind for my role as wife, mother, and operations manager of our family!

(These nights do always feature a favorite take out dinner)

Sometimes it is about sleep (okay, it is always a little bit about sleep) and reading or watching a movie and just stepping out of my daily roles.

But more often it is about a moment to pause and reflect on what has been happening in my rapid fire lifestyle. It is a time to look ahead to what is coming. What season are we in? What is the next season? What needs to be prepared for next?

There are nights like this one where I know that we are entering a busy few weeks. That this

is our last weekend home before we are out of town for three weekends in a row. Tonight is about having the time to put on some quiet music of my own choosing (and not negotiating with a six year old DJ) and putting some thought into what we need to pack. To take a moment to figure out some logistics. Have time to hear my own thoughts about what a trip to the beach for 10 days looks like (do you even understand the packing this involves?).

It doesn't have to be a movie night on the couch to be self care. It can be a night of balancing the check book, finishing a few projects, and planning for the next few weeks that restores my soul and fills my cup. These might actually be my favorite evenings away alone. The ones where I am still actively playing out my roles but just in a calmer environment that speaks to my soul.

I will finish up soon. I will head to bed for that sleep I mentioned. Then I will get up tomorrow and be so excited to see all my people. The ones for whom I am happy to do this work, this planning, this preparation. The ones who will bring the noisy back in to my day. The sweet faces I get to travel with for the next few weeks and I will be in a much better place to take them all on.

It's July!

It’s July!

I have this odd affinity for the month of July. I can dress my baby in everything red, white, and blue and for a few weeks we don’t stand out. It is the start of the really sunny season where we live (that is July and August, for those of you who are not from Seattle). But it also is the longest month my kids are out of school. There are no family birthday’s in July. In some ways it could just be a “filler” month, but it isn’t.

See, I love calendars and dates and attaching meaning to dates. When I was a little girl, our phone book had pages with the calendar for the next several years. Yes, now I can pull it up on my phone, but at the time, I loved those pages. Full of possibility. Full of knowing when your birthday would next land on a Saturday. How do leap years change the day of the week Christmas will fall on when I am 10 years old. Definitely the best pages of the phone book.

I can remember many things tied to certain dates. I will amaze my family with “7 years ago today we were doing this or that” or “in two years Christmas will be on a Sunday and I wonder how that will impact our plans for church”. Ok, fine, maybe I don’t so much as amaze them as I annoy them, whatever, they love me. Almost as much as I love dates on the calendar.

Let’s get back to July and why July is important. When I was a child, we went on a family vacation one year to a resort not far from our home. On the Sunday morning of our visit, we watched workers pressure wash a deck (super exciting vacation times, I know!). Someone in our group wondered how often they did that job. We thought it could be every Sunday. But it was also July 1^st. So it could be weekly, or monthly, or quarterly, or even biannually! It was a fairly silly and inconsequential debate that I have remembered for over 2 decades. Why? Because it showed how many different time increments start on July 1^st (especially if July 1^st is a Sunday, like this year).

July is just full of starts!! It isn’t usually seen this way. January gets the big billing for starting new things, but July should be right up there in its possibilities! We still have half a YEAR left to do the things we wanted to do this year. That is exciting. We still have six more months. We have two quarters left. We have 26 weeks, people. There is so much we can do if we start right now!

If we had intentions in January that we didn’t quite get to, we are only at half time, we can start now and finish very well. If we look back on the first six months and don’t like what we see, we can finish the second half stronger. It’s JULY!!

For me, I am excited to report that my one and only goal I was planning to focus on for 2018 is going well. I cut back to one goal because it was that important to me and with that, I have successfully made the half way mark. I am celebrating and continuing strong on this in July.

But I also realize that there are a couple other things I need to not let slide. Instead of thinking “well, guess the year is a bust, I will get that started in January”, I decided to make some new goal charts. Add a couple new things. I can do this! I have the whole second half of the year to make these in to habits before we event get to January.

It’s July! A month of fresh possibilities. A perfect time to start something, to celebrate the halfway of accomplishment, to refocus on intentional living and finishing the year strong. What can you do with this possibility month to finish the year strong? Let’s go get it!!

Two years later

Two years ago today I got a call that didn’t change the course of my life, but it did explain more about the course I was on. It shed light on something that was already happening. That phone call was a defining moment, it will be forever in my mind, but even if I had never answered the phone, the answer would have been the same.

A few days earlier my six month old son had an MRI of his brain. It was a scary procedure because it had to be done under full sedation. I held him as he fell asleep. The nurse warned me he would look like he had died. That was exactly how he looked. I cried when I was alone again. But the procedure, we were told, was to rule out a neurological reason for his nystagmus (or rapid eye movement). I wasn’t super worried. We already knew he needed glasses. I thought the glasses would fix all the problems.

Then as I was driving home on June 21^st, 2016, I got a call from our pediatrician. I don’t remember the rest of my drive home. I probably shouldn’t have been driving. She told me that the MRI had, in fact, confirmed a neurological reason for his nystagmus. She said she already had a call in to the Children’s Hospital Neurodevelopmental department for a consultation. She said words I couldn’t spell that day, but now I can spell in my sleep. Peter has a condition known as Optic Nerve Hypoplasia. That was the moment I learned my son had a birth defect. His brain didn’t form correctly in utero. You don’t forget the call when someone tells you your baby’s brain wasn’t formed right.

I went home and tried to tell my husband about it, but I didn’t even know all the words and I certainly didn’t know what it all meant. I cried some more. I cried putting my baby to bed. I cried trying to tell our pastor about it the next day. I didn’t want to tell many people. I didn’t know what to say. I barely understood it myself. I wanted it to go away.

Then I picked up my baby the next day and started to sing like I often did when he cried (and this poor baby who couldn’t see cried a LOT). “Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…”. And I cried again. This was new information to me. It was not new information to God. He knit Peter together. He knew about Peter from the beginning of time. He loves my son more than I can imagine. I felt the love of Jesus wrapping us both in his arms.

I was already a really good mama bear because of Isaac, so I got right on figuring out who we needed to talk to for understanding more about Peter’s brain. We had to meet with a few specialists over the next few months. Early Intervention because a huge part of our lives. We were assigned a teacher for the visually impaired who has become a big part of our lives. I started asking for help. I started gratefully accepting any help that was given. A village would be needed to raise Peter.

There were many nights I still cried over Peter. I couldn’t fix his brain. I could only help him become his best self. I could be the best mama bear advocate I could be. I could be his best cheerleader. I could remind myself and him that “Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…”

And then two years went by. The sting of the phone call past. The path was more illuminated by that call, but still pretty scary. I still don’t want him to have this. I want his brain whole. But I love who he is and how far he has come. He hadn’t met any two month old milestones at six months. He has met most of his two year old milestones. He attends preschool. He uses his mobility cane like a little boss. He loves his sister and brothers so big. He comforts me when I still cry over him.

I am so proud of Peter. He doesn’t know his brain is different. He just does his life and he does it well. He can teach us all lessons about love and life and perseverance.

Today I think about that call, but I also think about the little boy Peter is becoming and I smile, even if through the tears.

My Happy Shoes

These are my Happy Shoes.

I got these shoes for Christmas...as in I saw them in the store and thought they were so perfect that I bought them and had Mark give them to me for Christmas.

I call these my Happy Shoes because they literally add to my happiness every time I wear them.

I wear my Happy Shoes when it is gray outside and I am happier.

I wear my Happy Shoes when I have to advocate for my special needs son...again...and they add some happy.

I wear my Happy Shoes when I need to drop off 3 boys for 3 schools and life feels crazy and I can look down and think "but at least I have Happy Shoes."

I wear my Happy Shoes on days when it is really hard to get out of bed. When I feel like I might cry all day. When I feel like it is hard to breath. When I just can't be me for one more day. Then I slip in to my Happy Shoes and somehow a tiny voice says "You can do this. Look at how cute your shoes are."

I need Happy Shoes because I struggle with depression. Sometime no matter what is going on, and sometimes because of what is going on, my brain just struggles. I haven't felt clinically depressed in about 5 years, but I struggle regularly with what I call my "pre depressed feeling", maybe "the blues" or "the duldrums", but I know when I am there that I need to take action. I need to act my way to a better place. This is actually fairly impossible for a person in a real state of depression, but where I am, in my "pre depression", I have a tool box of actions that can help me. And one of those tools is to wear my Happy Shoes. And so I do and so it helps my brain.

But why bring them up today?

Well, those "Happy Shoes" are by designer Kate Spade. It shook me to my core this week to know that the amazingly talented woman who made my Happy Shoes struggled so much that she couldn't see a way to keep going, so she didn't, she stopped living. I cried. Not because I knew her, but because without her making my Happy Shoes, I would have one less tool to fight against this demon. She helped me in my fight and she didn't even know. She was struggling in a fight. Did anyone know? Who else is struggling? Does anyone see? These are big questions. We have to start answering them.

I will continue to wear my Happy Shoes. They are a part of my tool box. I will wear them to help my own mind and I will wear them as a reminder to always be looking out for those around me who are struggling.

On How I Made My Birthday Awesome

When I was little, my mom did a great job of making birthdays super special. In our home, your birthday was definitely “your day”. I LOVED my birthday and looked forward to all the fun pretty much all year.

Then one day I woke up and I was the mom and I was the person making birthdays special and my birthday lost some of its shine. Beyond being the birthday person in my family, well, I still have all these kids and adulting to do…even on my birthday!!

In no way is this a slight against my husband. The man has tried to make it a special day, but I think even he was at a loss as to how to do that and, frankly, the guy is busy providing for our family and being a daddy.

So for the last few years, probably since I had kids, I haven’t loved my birthday, and that has brought some sadness to it. However, in the last couple of years I have been working on my voice and priorities and making this most of the life I have right here in front of me.

This year I applied all this to my birthday and I am sharing a few of those ideas here today. Just remember, these are the things that made my birthday awesome. This list should look unique to each mom.

1.  I am a gifts person. I like to give and receive gifts. In the case of my birthday, I like to give my people a list of ideas of things I want and I like to have wrapped gifts. But my husband doesn’t like to spend a lot of time shopping, shopping with kids isn’t fun, and he definitely doesn’t like to wrap presents. In the past, I have fretted about how he wasn’t shopping and it was almost my birthday, I would find the gifts stashed in various places unwrapped which was kind of disappointing. The gift part of my birthday wasn’t working. Instead of hoping that this year my husband would magically learn to read my mind and shop early for exactly what I had only hinted at and wrap it in amazing wrapping paper and display these gifts for me to “ohh” and “ahh” over, I stepped up my part…I sent him an email with links to Amazon for EXACTLY what I wanted. I pointed out to him that the kids can still be involved even if they are just clicking “buy now”. And he ordered it all to come gift wrapped!! It was my own bit of birthday magic to have all these beautiful gifts lined up on the mantel for the week before my birthday!

2. I stopped trying to do what other people say you should do for your birthday. I love my kids and I love caring for my kids and I love mornings. High on my list of things I don’t like is laying in bed listening while my poor husband tries to get them all fed and ready so mommy can “sleep in”. This year on my birthday I got up at my normal wake up time (it was a Sunday, so it was a little later than a week day, but my Sunday normal). I got the babies their morning milk. I helped prepare breakfast and dress kids for church. I didn’t leave it all to Mark because the world says mom needs the day off.

3.  I expressed clear and specific time expectations for my birthday, and then set up the babysitting myself. I knew what I wanted from the day, why shouldn’t I make the childcare arrangements? I wanted a trip out to lunch (which I specified as being at a favorite simple lunch place rather than a big “birthday lunch” at a fancier restaurant) and shopping with my husband at the mall. Before that, though, I wanted some time alone in my own house, because that is a rare event here. So, I just set up the expectation that I would help get the kids ready for church but would not attend. It was a wonderful choice. I was careful to not apologize for it, too!

I am happy to say my birthday was a success!! It was an awesome day with a good balance and flow. It was easily the best birthday I have had as a mom. Mostly because I was clearer ahead of time with others, and myself, about my priorities and expectations.

The other great thing about my birthday is where it lands on the calendar…because I have all this wisdom to apply again in just a few days for Mother’s Day. And you know, I think it will be the best one yet!

Lecture Review: Anxiety and ADHD by Dr. Chris McCurry

Thanks to my parents (for paying for the tickets, and watching the kids), I was able to attend a lecture by Dr. Chris McCurry last night titled "The Rise of Anxiety and ADHD: Solutions for Your Family. It was a chock full of interesting information and good ideas for anxious kids (and their sometimes equally anxious parents!). Let me just say, I used most of the tips Dr. McCurry gave between 8:03 and 8:57 this morning!!

A couple basic comments about ADHD and anxiety. Dr. McCurry said he thinks there is more overlap in symptoms than are usually given. The best side note he said about ADHD was that "it is something you do, not something you have". The behaviors are things you do, not that you ARE ADHD. This makes it more external to the child, and really, we all have the behaviors at times, right? He also said that the name wasn't accurate, because a lot of ADHD diagnosed kiddos can actually hyper focus on a preferred activity. It is more accurately named "Attention Allocation Disorder" and more importantly it is an "Intention Deficit Disorder". Their intention is lacking the right focus.

He also discussed feelings. That you don't really get rid of feelings, like anger or worry; what you really want is to teach children to be brave and courageous when they have those feelings.

I can act my way into feeling better sooner than I can feel my way into acting better. - O.H. Mowrer

We can help kids by helping them change their actions, not necessarily their feelings.


So what do we do to help anxious or ADHD diagnosed kids?

Dr. McCurry suggests we change the process of interacting with our kids. Remembering that they regress in the moment to a younger age ("I don't know how to be ten years old, but I know how to be four years old") and we don't want to regress with them!!

Changing The Process
1. Increase awareness - Everyone take a deep breath. Distractions (of all kinds) will happen for anyone.

Parents can remember this acronym to help them be mindful in the moment.
S.O.B.E.R.
Stop
Observe
Breathe
Expand - what are the possibilities? or contract if we need to (let's not worry about the whole homework)
Respond - Once the parent is calm and has thought of the possibilities, they can respond rather than react to the child

2. ‎Change the focus of attention ("Change the Channel")
Breathing exercises - Belly breath, ferris wheel, Darth Vader breath
Problems and conditions - which is it? Problems need solutions, Conditions need coping. We can change the focus from looking for a solution to a condition that we really just need to cope with.

3. ‎Make decisions leading to values-driven action (older kids like 7/8)
Choices (big) and Decisions (little stuff every day that support or don't support the choice) . All of your decisions then can tie to a value goal. The most important thing is to remember the most important thing. Helping a kid remember that can help them keep their focus and do even the undesirable task. In some cases the kid may not "want" to, but could they be "willing" to get to the values and choices they desire? (Example is not "wanting" to do homework, but "willing" because their choice and value is to be a good student). Dr. McCurry referred to this as "wantingness" versus "willingness".

Also in values he talks about "two sides of the same coin" and to teach kids (even with a visual of a coin) that is they want the "good stuff" they need to do the "challenging stuff".

The last big take away was validation. "All behavior is a message, and a behavior won't begin to change until the person knows his message was received". We can validate the child's feelings, let the know we hear them and understand the feelings, before we even go to the work of changing the process.

Overall, I was very happy with the new information we learned and I will definitely be checking out Dr. McCurry's book very soon!