My Shift

Do you ever look back and see that there was a particular day, that was supposed to be an ordinary day, where everything shifted? Everything in your whole life swerved in that moment? Where you don’t remember thing events that were supposed to be big, but you remember everything about the moment when your life shifted? Even if at the moment, you didn’t know it was actually going to be the shift?

I am not talking about large scale things like weddings, births, trauma, deaths. But where something small started the ball rolling. You didn’t know at the time what the outcome was going to be, but it turned out to be huge and it was all in that moment.

I have one of those. It is my most vivid shift in my life. It happened on January 18^th, 2012. It was exciting at the moment but I really didn’t know it was the shift until it all came to past.

My job that day was taking me to Washington, DC. Which was not out of the ordinary and something I did every couple of months. It was so routine, it was almost boring. I read a Sherlock Holmes book on the plane (I only know this from a Facebook memory quote).

The rest of what I was there for is a blur. I don’t remember the content of the strategy meeting we were having that day. I can’t remember a word of the lunch meeting I had that I had fought hard to get with an older guy in my field who I was hoping would mentor me some and give me tips. It was a score to get that lunch appointment. It was going to boost my career. I remember none of it because none of that matters today.

What I do remember from that day was this….

I had a few minutes to kill at my hotel that morning after dropping off my suitcase and before I had to get to a meeting. There is a Starbucks in the lobby so I got coffee and a snack and decided to make a quick phone call. A few days earlier I had learned of an adoption attorney who was opening her adoptive families list to new clients. We wanted to be on as many lists as possible so I was calling her paralegal to inquire about the process of getting on that list.

What began as an inquire call quickly changed when I said we wanted to adopt an African American boy. She got excited. She said they really needed a family to show an expected mother and they didn’t have anyone that fit. In that moment, I learned about my son. We went through the logistics of getting on her lists. She went a little outside of protocol and sent me the redacted intake paperwork so I could learn more about the baby. He was due in a month. I had to cut the call short with a promise to speak later so I could get to work. But the shift had happened.

I don’t remember any of the rest of the work day. I was thinking about this baby boy and how, just maybe, he could be ours. I am going to add here that I remember it was super stressful to be so far away from Mark and unable to get him even on the phone right then. Mostly I just wondered if I should get excited or play it cool. We had just had one failed matched but it is so hard not to get your hopes up about these things. I wanted to be a mom. Could this be it?

The next day I would fly home and the day after that we would drive to Gainesville, FL to meet the attorney and officially be on the list so our profile could be shown. A week later, we would get the call saying we were picked to be the baby’s parents. Two and a half weeks later, we would hold our son in our arms…that day and forever.

He will be seven in a few weeks. He changed my whole world. He was my shift. It all started on an ordinary January day and my life has never been the same and I am thankful for that every.single.day.

Be anxious for nothing

Be anxious for nothing.

I am a naturally anxious person. It is just something I struggle with. I have a child with a diagnosed anxiety disorder…I don’t exactly wonder where he got it from.

It is nine days in to the new year and those have been some pretty anxious days. I want to say they have been anxious regarding things outside of my control but the problem with that is the control. What exactly is in my control? That might not be nearly as much as I want to believe, so maybe it is time to address the anxiety rather than the control.

This came up with my therapist this week. He said, to my face, I was an anxious person. Ouch, but fair, and not exactly a news flash. I just don’t like people saying it because that means my façade of control has slipped. He actually went one further. He said “she is anxious and probably copes with her anxiety by planning”. Hmm. It hit me that was a nice way to say “she likes to control stuff”. And I really, really do.

Much of my coping as a special needs mom is planning and controlling what I can. And to be fair to myself, there is a lot to plan and coordinate, but I may go overboard. Maybe. Ok, fine. I do.

And then something comes along that can’t be immediately planned and organized and I am a HOT MESS. Or maybe it isn’t mine to drive. I have to support instead. There may still be a role for a planner, but it might be slower than I want.

What then? My anxiety coping plan doesn’t exactly work well in those conditions.

It is dawning on me that I need to refocus and make some changes. I need to go back to the roots of the anxiety. I need to go back to “be anxious for nothing.” Not by planning but by applying more directly the next verses in the Bible….and, while I am at it, the one right before it, too.

After all, it is the very first Bible verse I can remember memorizing!

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice” (Philippians 4:4)

I think rejoicing is the first step in being prepared to “be anxious for nothing”.

Today I was reading Max Lucado’s book Anxious for Nothing and this is where he starts and this line knocked me back on the couch: “We are urged to ‘Rejoice in the Lord.’ This verse is a call, not to a feeling, but to a decision and a deeply rooted confidence that God exists, that he is in control, and that he is good.” Full stop. Am I living this? If I am coping with anxiety through control, am I living this? Probably not, much as I dislike even typing that. He goes on to write “anxiety increases as perceived control diminishes”, yet “we can’t take control because control is not ours to take”. Well, that shoots pretty straight at the matter. I get the feeling God nudged me to read this book today, in the middle of this week, at the start of this year where anxiety is trying to strangle me in just the first 9 days.

For the last many, 10ish I would guess, years I have tried to have a word of the year. Some worked better than others. I wasn’t exactly feeling the idea this year and I don’t like to push something “just because I have always done it” so 2019 didn’t have a word. Today I realized that it doesn’t need a word, it needs a whole phrase!

“Be anxious for nothing”

And then I need to work on changing what I do with anxiety, how I approach it, how I acknowledge the sovereignty of God at work in my family.

So, stay tuned because, of course, I can’t learn something new without writing about it!!!

My 2018 goal

I set out at the beginning of the year to write more. Late in 2017, I read about the idea of having just one goal and focusing on that rather than several goals that might all get mixed up. I decided to try it with writing. For the first time in my adult life my goal list had just one item. That was to write an average of 500 words per week and to have 26,000 words written by the end of 2018. These would be journal entries, blog posts, and speech notes. Every week the top item on my planner was “500 words”.

I started strong. When I really sit down to write, I can often go far past 500 words on a blog post. The Spring was solid and I was actually ahead. Then Summer came and I had 4 small people to keep busy. I started to slip. I wasn’t hitting 500 words every week. But it was my one goal so I wasn’t going to let a few weeks slip stop me for the year. I had ONE GOAL. I couldn’t fail at just one. I could fail at many, but to fail at one? That would just be sad.

I rallied in September and found a new writing time. I wasn’t too far behind. I could still do this thing. It would just take determination. And then the Fall holidays began and it was hard to find the time again. But still, I wanted to do this thing and I wasn’t that far behind.

That brought me to early December. I had to write 3000 words by the end of the year. I started to wonder if I could really do it. That would be more than 500 words a week at a busy time of year. I told my dad I didn’t know if I could make it and he asked where I was on my goal. I said “3000 words away, I might just fail”.

His reply changed my game.

He said “You already are at 85% or so of your goal. You may miss the word count, but that is hardly a fail.”

He was right. Since when would 85% be failing? And more importantly, I have written more this year than ever before because of this goal. My husband has encouraged my writing more this year than ever before because he knew my goal. I am closer to be a “real writer” than ever before. My goal has moved me forward as a person and a writer and that is what goals are supposed to do. So even if I missed the 26,000 words, I would not be failing my goal.

And that, as it turned out, made my want to write even more. I wrote during naptime. I took my kids to the Y playrooms and never made it to the exercise rooms, I would just write in the lobby. I might miss my goal. But I was not failing and I was a better person for trying. I was at peace with myself regarding my goal, which can be just as important as meeting the goal itself.

That brings me to today. I am super excited to report that I have done it! I have written 26,118 words in 2018. I am crying as I write this. It was a stretch goal. I could have quit with 4 little human excuses. But I didn’t. I kept going and I did it!!

And here’s to 30,000 words in 2019!

Thank God for Kids

“If it weren't for kids have you ever thought 

There wouldn't be no Santa Claus 

...thank God for kids”

I have always loved that song but it was hard to hear for a lot of years when we so wanted children we couldn’t seem to have. Then, 7 years ago, there was a Christmas filled with some hope as we were a waiting adoptive family. That year at the church Christmas Eve service I held up two candles…one for me and one for the baby I hoped God would give me in the next year. One day shy of two months after that service, I would hold my baby in my arms. God had heard our cries and given us the perfect baby he had picked for us. He gave us laughter again. He gave us Isaac.

The next Christmas, Isaac was 10 months old and holding his own candle at Christmas Eve. He was called out by Pastor Joel as “the child waving his candle more vigorously than others”! I cried again that year, but happy tears.

Little did we know that the very next year, we would experience “Baby’s First Christmas” again. We added Joel to our family that year with another sense of amazement at carrying a baby to a full term pregnancy.

In the following years we would add two additional children. One that on his first Christmas we were both thankful for him presence in our lives but very worried about why he seemed to not be able to see. The next year, Peter would be wearing glasses and just about to start using a mobility cane.

And that would also be the year we would do our final “Baby’s First Christmas”, but that one would include ribbons and bows and frilly ruffled dresses. Our Ellie girl had arrived that year.

This year, as I listened to the words “thank God for kids”, I am so incredibly thankful for my kids. I am thankful we got our children. I know that many arms are still empty. I am extra thankful we got all four of them and were able to close our family building chapter as we wished. I know that many arms are not as full as they wanted. I am excited for the next season of kids. I know not all parents get to watch their kids grow up. I am thankful.

Thank God for kids.

Merry Christmas

Was 2018 a bad year?

It is almost the end of 2018. Another 12 month have past and we are at that point of looking back at what has been and forward to what will be. I don’t know any adult who isn’t at least a bit reflective at this time of year. In the last few weeks, this reflection and thinking of 2018 has been visible on Facebook. I have seen a larger number of articles and memes than I ever remember there being in past years on why this was such a bad year. That 2018 was the worst year of our lives. Articles trying to explain this through astrology. Or memes about just a few more days and 2019 will surely be better.

Now, I am sure that 2018 was very hard and the worst year for some people (I know some of these people closely and it rings true for them). BUT was it really the worst year for EVERYONE, as social media seems to want me to think? Really, I almost started to believe it was true and to buy in to the idea that we should write off this whole year and try again in 2019. So I needed to step back and look at my own data. Check my own facts. Look at my very own year. Not the one I was being told about.

I decided to compile a list of good things about 2018, big and small, and see what I found. So here is my data in no particular order….

1. We bought our first house. One that our kids had known for 2.5 years as home.

2. Our kids were all able to stay in their schools because we didn’t have to move.

3. We found a new church that fits our family well and our kids love to attend.

4. We went on an 8 day kid free vacation and reconnected.

5. Eloise met all of her developmental milestones.

6. Peter began walking with confidence and running.

7. Peter began to talk in clear sentences.

8. Isaac learned to read.

9. Joel learned to ride a bike.

10. Mark got his role as acting program manager.

11. We spent 11 days on the Oregon Coast!

12. We joined the Y and the kids confidence in swimming has grown a ton.

13. I made some new friends joining the Y.

14. I started my own Facebook page as a writer,

15. I have written consistently enough I feel like I can say I am a writer.

16. Mark and I have grown closer as a couple.

17. We were able to help TWO therapy clinics raise funding to help other families.

18. We have had the money we needed for the expenses we have had.

19. Peter’s development grew exponentially at Stepping Stones.

20. Mark got an unexpected bonus.

21. Peter’s transition to the school district went pretty smoothly.

22. Peter gets special instruction in Braille daily at school and loves it.

23. Isaac found a therapist that he really connected with.

24. Joel continued to love preschool and adores his new teacher almost as much as his prior teacher.

25. Our kids get to go to work with my mom sometimes which gives me some little breaks.

26. I spent a weekend at the Oregon Coast with my mom.

27. My grandma moved to just 5 minutes away from us.

28. My kids are developing personal relationships with their great grandma.

29. Our cars didn’t need any major work even though they are old.

30. We got our backyard fixed up to be more useable.

Ok, so that is just the first 30. I need to get to bed at some point tonight! I am sure, though, that I could continue in to the night.

Given my own data points above, I am going to make my own declaration about 2018. There was good in this year. I know it had its ups and downs but it clearly there have been reasons to celebrate. So I am making my own determination. I won’t let social media tell me that 2018 was the worst year. I know it was good for me and my family and I will look forward to 2019 with anticipation of more good to come.

Seasons of transition

I like to think of life in terms of seasons. I love the changing of the seasons in our physical world. I am not even sure I have a favorite season because I am ready for each one and embrace the change.

So I also think of my life in the same way...seasons that come and change and go and flow together and grow from each other. Some of them are seasons of excitement (hello, wedding), some are seasons of big change (hello, new baby), some are seasons of sadness (goodbye, dear friend), and some are highlighted by the transitions that they will bring to our lives.

I have been knowing this current season of transition was coming, at least a part of it, for the better part of two years. I knew that the end of November 2018 would mark a dramatic change in the life of one of my children, and by extension, my life as his mother would also have a large shift. I knew that it would not be a quick and easy process to get him through the transition. That my job as his advocate and voice would be exponentially larger through this season. To get him to and through the transition.

It is a season I have looked ahead to with both excitement and dread. Maybe because I knew it had a date associated with it even two years ago, I have had a lot of time to think about it and ask others who have gone through it and think of how it would play out. I knew it would be a hard season, even with the good that it could bring. There was no doubt in my mind that this end of 2018 would be mentally and emotionally taxing.

And now it is here and, to be totally honest with you, it has been harder than I even thought it would be. I have been trying to figure out why and I think I figured it out today. Because I only thought of that one aspect of life when I thought about this season and now I am here and there are SO MANY other things going on. Life doesn't happen in a vacuum.

See, my vision impaired toddler is going to be 3 years old this month. It has been a long and hard 3 years. Some days I am amazed we have made it here and he is mostly thriving. But age 3 signals a HUGE change in how kiddos like Peter are provided public support services . We will go from home based therapy to therapy based in the public school system. On his 3rd birthday, he will begin developmental preschool 4 days a week. He will be away from home for 3+ hours on those 4 days. That is a big deal for him at this age. For me, getting all the services lined up is a fight. It was a known fight and it has already had some big fights (and wins, so that is good, but still). It is making me tired.

I knew I would need to focus on this transition for these months. It is always on my mind. But so are the zillion other details of life with a family of 6. The baby had eye surgery last week! We are sharing our story in support of one of our therapy clinics on Saturday night...at a black tie affair with over 400 people in attendance. My husband has been in a state of transition with his job for the last few months. Life is so big right now.

In the midst of it all, I had some personal goals I wanted to achieve. Those who know what they are have been encouraging, but it has also made it almost feel like a bigger burden. And I am getting so tired.

So I forgot a key component to making it through a season of transition. I forgot that I need to give myself extra grace. That some things will slide. That I will have to unclench my fists and let go of a few things. That I can't do it all. That I have a high need for sleep that increases with stress. That I live my daily life with depression not super far behind and I need to be taking care of myself to keep it where it belongs.

I have cried a lot this week. That is a sure sign something isn't right. But it is getting better tonight. I remembered grace today. I talked to my people about how I feel. One of them encouraged me to remember the season. One of them reminded me that lists will help me. One of them brought me red roses.

I am remembering my season and that I need grace. I am smelling my flowers. And here is my list....

1. Remember grace
2. Get sleep
3. Do what I can for Peter
4. Let God do the rest for Peter
5. Set my other big projects aside for 2019
6. Exercise, meditation, and focused breathing every day
7. Embrace the chaos
8. Do one thing each day just for me...reading, writing, coffee, something

Above all, remember this is a season. It isn't forever. It will change like all those before and after. I will continue to grow and remember grace and hopefully look back on this season as one that birthed great new seasons to come.

Siblings Without Rivalry - A few thoughts

Sometime in the Spring I told the Facebook world that I was about to read the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I have long been a fan of their book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen so I was excited when I realized this sibling book I had heard a lot about was by the same two ladies.

It turned out I was not the only mom interested in reading this book. When I posted about starting it on Facebook, a surprising number of my friends responded with “oh, I have been meaning to read that book”. I know how hard it can be to get around to reading a parenting book when you are in the middle of actually parenting children so I took some notes and I am offering here a small look in to a few things that struck me personally in case a few of my friends still haven’t had a chance to pick up the book.

Overall, the ideas presented made sense and I got some good ideas. The format is something like a report on group sessions so there are lots of stories and lots of questions from various people posed to the authors. It doesn’t just read as a straight up “do this” book, but rather has several voices and even some disagreement with the author’s approaches that are worked out over a few of their sessions.

I am going to be upfront about my biggest challenge with the book. While they eventually got to my burning issue at page 164, I wish they would have acknowledged it earlier. The ideas in this book are geared towards neurotypical, typically developing children with relatively stable mental health. They are great ideas when you can reason with the siblings, when rational discussion can be comprehended, and when there is not a complete imbalance in the sibling relationship where physical aggression is routinely seen from one specific child. For that family, they would still recommend bringing in professional medical and mental health supports to work with the unique family. This made perfect sense, because as I was reading the book, I thought this is great for my kids that don’t need a ton of parent support to live on the same planet. It would not prove as effective for the kid that I was struggling with the most. Thankfully, we do have the recommended support team in place for our family, but if someone is super struggling with a very intense and aggressive sibling situation, I wouldn’t spend time with this book. Just go to a professional who can work with your family directly.

Okay, that is off my chest and I can share the other tidbits I learned 😊

I will be the first to admit it is hard not to cast my kids in to roles. Really, society sets this up for us without even much thought. Just think about all the of the research done on birth order. Then we add in our love of our kids and they all have personalities that are unique and we want to praise their strengths. But how we do that matters. How our other kids hear us talk about their siblings matter. My best example of this is music and dancing at my house. One of my kids does have some natural talent for music, beats, and dance movies. We have gushed over his dancing more than once. We have, and I cringe here, said “at least someone in this family can dance!”. Then there is that child’s sibling, who maybe doesn’t have the innate talent so, while we are not mean, we are not encouraging his dancing so much. Then one day, right after I read this book, this child was dancing and said “Mommy, dancing makes me happy and brings me joy. I could dance all day!” Full stop what mommy was doing. This child understands what brings him joy, regardless of how his actions are perceived by others. I want to celebrate and encourage all day long those activities that bring my children joy. So now we have no “dancing king”. We just have kids that love to dance. All of them. In the book this statement hit home for me “We want to make it clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship, dance, drama, poetry, sport are for everyone and not reserved for those who have a special aptitude.” (page 97)

I definitely focused a little more on the chapter about fighting. It is hard, as a parent, to know when/if/how to intervene in the fights of our children. This book focuses on empowering children to settle their own disputes. Even so far as to walk in, state the issue in a way that expresses empathy for both children, letting them know that you are fully confident in their ability to settle this, and then walk back out. I have started using this with a couple of my kiddos and it works amazingly well. Just expressing my confidence in them as little boys who can solve this together goes so much further than mommy trying to play Solomon. Now, this doesn’t work so well when physical violence is common. Those kiddos who are being physically attacked are entitled to adult intervention and swiftly. Another take away from this chapter, not necessarily a new concept but a good reminder, was that forced sharing can cause the child to hold on even tighter. Letting the siblings work out sharing fosters more of a sense of knowing that they are important enough to not have things that are important to them. The overall theme of this chapter was “basically, we try not to interfere, but when we must step in, it’s always with the thought that at the earliest possible moment we will turn the children back to dealing with each other. It is the best preparation we can give them for the rest of their lives.” (page 157)

The chapter on comparison had a lot of good role playing for how damaging comparison can be. Even we are thinking it can be a motivator to a sibling. It is best to just find a totally different way to motivate and move a child. “Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any reference to his brother. The key world is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child’s behavior. Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.” (page 55)

“To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self -  is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.” (page 71) There is an entire chapter about how we show love to each child and it reminded me of a sign that sits in my living room, that I received just days before adding child number four to our family. It reads “no matter how many children a mother has, she loves each one the best.” Not that she loves them the same. She loves each one the best. For who they are as an individual. One of the best ways we can do that is to spend intentional time alone with each child every week. Where we are totally focused on that one child and they know that they have our attention. I find that this can still be time where something is being done for the family, if necessary, such as grocery shopping with one child. To hear about his day. To see the world through her eyes. Kids say way different things when they are not a voice in the crowd. I believe this intentional time will get harder as they grow, but it will be my priority to make it happen so I know exactly who they are and what I love about them that is uniquely their own self.

I will be keeping this book for reference as more of my kids are in the targeted age group (school age) and can reason and discuss their way through problems (it wasn’t meant to break up toddler level hair pulling fights). If you are just looking for a few ways to increase the peace in your house through siblings working together, it certainly is worth the read.