Dear Joel: On your first day of Kindergarten

Dear Joel,

Today is your first day of Kindergarten! A few hours ago we held hands as we walked to the bus stop together. We didn’t say much. I think we were both nervous we would cry. You smiled bravely and so did I. You told me that you were most afraid you wouldn’t have enough time with mommy. I said we would find a way. I couldn’t say anything else. Then we hugged and you got on the bus and we waved and you were off to your adventure. I can’t wait to hear all about it when you get home.

But here is the rest of my side of the story. I cried more than I expected in the last few days. I cried after I put you to bed last night and we both said we were proud of each other. I spent most of last night awake praying. I prayed for you and the boy you are becoming. I prayed for your teacher. I prayed with tears of thankfulness, because there were so many years I didn’t think I would even have a you to put on a bus today. I prayed in thankfulness that I will see you at the end of the day when some mommas have said goodbye to their kids until heaven.

I spent some time last night feeling like I couldn’t let you go today. You are MY Joel. I am your mom. I love you more than anyone and I wanted to find a way to keep you. But that isn’t how the world works, is it? It isn’t about keeping you. It is about letting you go be you. The amazing one-of-a-kind you that you can only be as you spread your wings in the big wide world.

I had to let you go today because you were ready to go. You waited so patiently for this day. You have been watching all the other kids go. Because of your Fall birthday, you spent some extra time in preschool.  You can do lots of math already. You are so close to reading on your own. You are social and love to be around people. To keep you would be to hold you back. I love you too much to do that. You will shine in school. You will grow in school. I am excited to see it, even if my tears are flowing today.

There is another reason I had to let you go today. It came to me last night as I was thinking of all your amazing attributes. The world needs you. To keep you would be selfish. The world is a bit crazy right now. The world needs people just like you now more than ever.

You are kindhearted. If someone is sad, you find a way to help cheer them up. If they are lonely, you include them. The world needs you.

You are friendly. You make new friends everywhere you go. I know when you come home today you will have fifteen new friends (even if you don’t know their names yet!). The world needs you.

You have a smile for everyone. I know the teachers today will appreciate your smiles on this first day of school. You brighten the world with that smile. The world needs you.

You have a sharp mind. You are always thinking of how things work and ways to figure out a new idea or plan. School will help you learn to do that even more. The world needs a thinking you.

You help others. Some kids in your class will be very nervous and you will help them find their way. The world needs you.

You are a peacemaker. Kindergarten is where everyone learns a lot about how to get along with others. This comes naturally to you and you can show others how to do it. The world needs you.

See, the more I think about it, there is no way to keep you as my little boy home with me. You are ready for school, and more importantly, it is time to share you with the world. To share the hope that you will bring. The world needs you. You will go do amazing things. I know you will. All I had to do was let go.

But I will still be really excited when you get home!!

I love you,

Mommy

Changing perspectives: Leaning In

In early 2013, I had a toddler and had just found out I was pregnant with my second child. I owed a small business that did government consulting and, up to this point, had worked full time. But in that season, I was winding down some of my work and gear up to be more involved in the care and keeping of (soon to be) two little boys. I was thrilled with the direction my life was taking. As much as I loved my work, I loved being a wife and mom and running our little household.

At this same time a very popular book was released. It made all the morning talk show rounds. It was showing us a new way for women to look at their careers. It was a call to be more in the workplace. It was a call, as the title shared with us, to Lean In. Sheryl Sandberg’s book was a hot topic among my friends, especially working friends. It sent many of them in to a frenzy of how to, once again, figure out how to have it all. Whatever they did with their families, they better not “lean out” at work. To be honest, I didn’t read the book because what my friends were saying about it was stressful enough. I was clearly in the “lean out” group. It was where I wanted to be, but all of a sudden, with this new hit phrase of “lean in”, I was starting to question what value I would have should I continue down the path I was on to move more towards staying home with my babies.

Fast forward three years and I now had three little boys and had recently moved. Over the past year I had done very little paid work and was trying to decide if I would go back and look for more work. That decision was, in a way, made for me when we learned about Peter’s neurological condition and birth defect. I was definitely needed full time at home with all of his therapies and doctor visits so I closed the doors of my company. I had officially “leaned out”.

Lots of feelings and emotions and thoughts have filled the last 3 years since I closed the doors of my company. I love being a mom. I love being home with my kids. I miss making money. I miss interacting with the technical side of my brain. I don’t miss the politics of work or the stress of finding contracts. I still feel this little tug of guilt that I am not doing “enough” as a stay at home mom. How do you measure success? Accomplishment? Could another mom have “done it all”?

Then a trusted advisor handed me an article that reframed it all. On the day before Mother’s Day this year the Wall Street Journal had an article titled “Coming to Appreciate Stay-at-Home Moms”. It was written by a childless career woman who had recently landed on some hard times. She was amazed to find out that in her time of crisis it was her friends who were stay at home moms who had the time and space in their lives to help her, to listen to her, to care about her wellbeing. They were simply doing for her what they did for their families. As the writer put it “they were leaning in – to people, not organizations.” They were creating the most important ingredient for a better future…human capital.

Wow. That flipped my narrative from 2013 right upside down. I certainly had leaned out from the corporate table, but I have very much been leaning in to family. My last few years have been spent in countless therapies, preschool drop offs, playgroups, dinner making, Target runs, diaper changes, and many sleepless nights with, and over, the kids. I have been leaning in very very far. I have invested these years in my family, in raising good humans. And that is a very good and worth endeavor. I am leaning…exactly where I am supposed to be.

Praying for our kids...and their education

Those sweet kids are all heading back to school in the next month and that transition is high in my heart and mind right now. In the last seven and a half years since becoming a mom, I have received more parenting advice than I knew was possible. A couple of those actually stand out, have stood through the test of time, and have continued to help me be a better parent. Not surprising for something that has staying power, both were about praying, seeking and receiving God’s wisdom regarding our children. 

One of these best pieces of wisdom was from an older wise mom regarding how she approached the education of her children. I revisit this every school year as we are preparing our kids, minds, hearts, and home to begin the school year again. 

Each year this woman and her husband would pray over the method of education for each of their three sons for that school year. She knew each child was unique, and in a unique season of life, and that one style of education may not be right for all of them. She shared that one year she had a child in public school, a child in private school, and a child she home schooled (she was a busy momma!). She knew her children would grow and thrive in these spaces. I never knew if she had a preferred education ideology, if she had always planned to home school, or if supporting public education was a core value for her. It didn’t matter. She had prayed over her children and had each one where God said each one would thrive.

When our first child was a little over a year old, I was sitting a table full of moms and was asked “what will you be doing for school for Isaac?”. I had no answer. He was ONE! I must have looked shocked because the follow up was “you NEED to get him on the waiting lists now for the best schools”. Oh boy. I was then treated to each mom telling me the exact educational plan for each family. None of these families even had school age children yet but they had such an important sounding plan. The words I had heard spoken to me earlier came to mind, and not trying to be flippant, I said “well, my husband and I will pray over our son for each school year and place him where we believe God will have him thrive”. That comment took me right out of the comparison plan for education.

We have continued to pray specifically for the best way to educate our kids. Even though our oldest son is only heading to the second grade this fall, we have already made choices we wouldn’t have made if we were not specifically praying for each child each year. Even this year, I made a choice about one of our kids without praying about it, I made what I thought was the "logical" choice, and then it started to not feel right. When we prayed over the decision, we made a completely different choice...one that I can see will help that child thrive and grow.

And we know that God will work out whatever that best place is. Honestly, given our family resources, I am pretty thankful that public school has been a good fit so far. God gave us a home in a fantastic school district for our specific children before we even knew we needed what they had to offer. But, if God calls us to home school one of the kids or send them to a private school, we can trust that he will also provide the necessary resources to make those happen. I can pray with the assurance that God loves my kids even more than I do and He will show us the path He has for each of them and will provide the way to get there.

Jesus Loves Peter. This I know.

It has been a hard 10 days as Peter’s mom.

It has been a hard 3.5 years as Peter’s mom. It has been almost exactly 3 years since we learned that the symptoms we were seeing in Peter were the result of a congenital abnormality in his brain. Over time we adjusted and Peter is just Peter. He is more work than a typical child. But he is just as wonderful and perfect and loving as any little guy.

But sometimes it just gets hard for a season. Not necessarily because of Peter but because of the world he lives in. One that administrators seem to rule. A world where he gets the short end of the stick and he didn’t even do anything wrong.

So, it is hard to be his mom because I see the injustice and the hurt and the hard on my boy.

In the last 10 days there have been insurance problems leading to his therapy being cancelled indefinitely. There have been school problems where his heart and spirit were ignored, even by generally well-meaning adults. I have cried so many tears. I have made so many phone calls. I have fought so hard for him. Some I can fix and some I am still trying. I don’t really ever stop trying!

BUT, through it all I have to remember something.

That God loves Peter even more than I do. That God knows what Peter needs even more than I do. That God sees where this is all going and I just don’t.

The night we first got his diagnosis was one of the scariest of my life. I can recall those emotions in a heartbeat. I cried as I rocked him to sleep that night. And then through my tears I tried to sing his normal nighttime songs: You Are My Sunshine and Jesus Loves You. I barely got through the first one. He will ALWAYS be my sunshine. Nothing that the doctors say can change that. Then I sang “Jesus loves Peter, this I know” and I couldn’t keep singing. Because it was true. He does love Peter. Not Peter with a perfect “normal” brain, He loves Peter with a “not quite formed” brain. He loves Peter more than I do. I clung to that fact in that moment.

I have held that fact close for these years of Peter’s life. God knows what therapy Peter needs. God will help us find a way to pay for it. God will help guide the teachers at school. God has held Peter and God will not stop now. To believe anything less is to let the Devil win.

I still have a lot of phone calls and emails and forms. There is some work on the ground that has to be done. But I will continue to pray and ask for what Peter needs. I don’t know what his future holds (as much as I would like some answers even in the short term) but I know who holds his future. And the one that hold his future is the Jesus who loves him. This is I know.

Everything's Not Awesome

I don’t know about your house, but mine has been taken over by all things Lego Movie 2. My older two boys have seen the movie, we have the Lego's (yay, marketing!), we listen to the songs every.single.day. You could say it is the “thing” of the moment around here.

There is a song in the movie that is supposed to get stuck in your head. It literally has the line “this song is going to get stuck inside your head”. However, that is not the song that got stuck in mine. Right now, I am in the middle of preparing to speak to a group of moms about motherhood. I am not totally sure I feel like I am the right person for the job but last week my mom said “why not? You are THIRTY-FIVE and have FOUR kids”. Thanks for the reminder, mom! So, as I think about motherhood, I keep thinking about a song from the Lego Movie 2.

It starts out with:

Everything's not awesome

Everything's not cool

I am so depressed

Everything's not awesome

Motherhood right now, anyone? Winter. Snow. Kids you can’t send outside. Health issues. Marriage in close quarters. Anyone? Please tell me I am not alone. I already wrote last month about given up. This is a rough season around here.

BUT that is not where the song ends and it isn’t how we have to live. It doesn’t have to be either totally awesome or totally not awesome. The song goes on (and this is the part I love)…

“Everything's not awesome

Things can't be awesome all of the time

It's an unrealistic expectation”

Did you catch it? Read it again. “Things can’t be awesome all of the time, that is an unrealistic expectation.” I 100% agree with that statement. It just isn’t how life works and if we want it to always be awesome we are going to be disappointed and that won’t feel awesome so we will be disappointed in our disappointed feelings and it becomes a WHOLE NOT AWESOME THING. GIVE UP! GO BACK TO BED! DON’T EVEN BOTHER WITH HAIR OR CLEAN PANTS. EVERYTHING IS NOT AWESOME!

STOP.

Read the next lines…

“But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try

To make everything awesome

In a less idealistic kind of way”

Oh, well, that is a different approach. We could try to make what we can awesome. We can just try our best. We can still try to be our best selves. We can wear clean pants. We can fix our hair pretty. We can get up before our kids to have some quiet space (I will harp on this until the day I die. It is my thing. Not even sorry.) We can try in a less idealistic kind of way. It won’t all be awesome. It just won’t. We don’t live in that made up world. We live here in the messy middle life. But we can still try to influence our families and world for good (or, for awesome) when and where we can.

And some days we need the last line of this verse….

“We should maybe aim for not bad

'Cause not bad right now would be real great”

Some days are going to be just shooting for “not bad”. Some days your husband will be out of town, and you will wake up to the sound of vomit, and then your husband’s flight will be delayed and you will end up sounding like Oprah after school…You get a Kindle and You get a Kindle and YOU get a Kindle and YOU get a snack and YOU get candy! And just give mommy a few minutes to pee alone! So we aim for not bad and that is real great right now.  We cut ourselves the slack we would cut our girlfriends and we make it through a less idealistic version of our day but feel awesome because we made it to bed that night.

One final point. The bridge of the song shares an idea of how to pull this less idealistic version of awesome off…”We can make things better if we stick together, side by side, you and I, we will build it together…”. Together. In community. Together with our spouse we can build an awesome family. Together with our friends we can build an awesome village. Going it alone rarely works. We can and need to depend on others. I ask my husband for help. We work together when things are not awesome to figure out how to get back to some version of awesome. We have even sought out help to do that. I have spent pretty much the entirety of my children’s lives seeking other mom’s (of all ages) to do this together. I support them and they support me. Building it together will ALWAYS make it more awesome!

So go be awesome, whatever that looks like, today!

Getting past the fear of shame

Four weeks ago I spoke in front of two groups of ladies on the topic of fearless motherhood. I spoke about shame and judgement and how we called to be those that lift each other up as moms and women. It was incredibly well received. I was told the feedback was great and that many women were uplifted and encouraged by my talk. My talk had been the culmination of months of writing on the topic. I was really excited to move forward, continue writing and trying to find more avenues to speak.

Just days after that event, more than one person made a comment on the grammar and punctuation in a specific Facebook post I had written. All of a sudden, I was front and center for that judgement I had just spoken about. Two things happened as a result of that.

One, I cried for close to two full days.

Two, I stopped writing. At all. I am confessing here that I am immobilized by fear. Fear that I would make another simple (and, I would have thought, forgivable) mistake and someone would decide I needed another lesson.

Just writing this out is making my heart quicken. Tears are forming behind my eyes. I have been told I have great composure and every single time I think about what happened and trying to write again I lose all of my composure.

And it hurts. It still hurts. I went from being so excited to hiding in a home improvement project….see, I don’t have TIME to write, there are walls to paint!...all an excuse. Mostly I am hurt and scared and can’t figure out how to move past it.

Maybe that is the biggest confession. I am caught up in the shame. The shame I have been trying to help others to not dish out and I am having a terrible time rising above it. I am stuck and I don’t like it.

I recently heard the idea that the first step is awareness. Awareness that something isn’t right, awareness that you are doing something destructive, awareness that you are on a path that isn’t getting you where you want to be. So, for a few days I have just been aware. Aware that this pain hurts.

Today I am taking the next step. I am going back to writing…by writing about not wanting to write anymore, of being afraid of writing. I am moving forward even as my heart feels anxious. Even as the tears are kind of making me want to give up.

I wonder why even keep typing? Why put myself out there? Why? Well, those ladies I spoke to are one reason. I helped them and it felt good. I like helping women. I think I have valuable things to share. I can’t let shame stop me from what I believe was a passion put on my heart by God himself. If I stop, the devil wins. I won’t let that happen.

But I won’t say it feels good today. It doesn’t. I hope writing does feel good again. I hope that by writing out how I feel about this shame and judgement I can begin to move past it. That I can move past the fear.

Because I know that the help I was giving others is bigger than the hurt in my heart. Even if it doesn’t feel that way today.

Fifteen years later

Today is March 19^th. A day that always sticks in my mind.

I graduated from college on March 19^th.

Fifteen years ago.

Wait? What? How did that happen?

Honestly, I was a little shocked when I looked at the date today.

I can still remember the day. I walked out of the college of social sciences and in to the sun. The world felt really, really big. I felt really, really small. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next but I do remember being very ready to be done with college.

But I didn’t just feel small. I felt like I was on the edge of something. The next few months would be my steps to what life would bring next.

Spoiler alert…it went almost NOTHING like I had planned!

Oh, I did a lot of the things I said I was going to do…but just as many didn’t happen. The biggest things that have happened in the last 15 years were not even in my wildest dreams (or nightmares, as the case may be, but mostly dreams). I did go to work in Washington, DC. I did do R&D for the government. I never did get that PhD I was heading for. I don’t live anywhere near Washington, DC now. I don’t spend my days using my college degree in the way I had intended.

BUT, I would like to think that the things I did end up doing were the ones that mattered and I know I am right where I am supposed to be (even if some days that isn’t nearly as glamorous as my original plan).

Of my plans when I left college, the ones that I have fulfilled the most are the ones regarding relationships rather than career. That feels good. What I ended up doing have been things that matter and here are a few of them…

1. I married a great guy.

2. We adopted an amazing son.

3. Through heartache, I learned a way to help others.

4. I owned a company that allowed my family to move forward in many ways.

5. I spend my days pouring my life into my four kids.

6. I am raising a child with unique abilities to be the best world changer he can be.

7. I have found a path to encourage and inspire other women in their roles as women, wives, and mothers.

Today is another sunny March 19^th. I took my almost 2-year-old daughter for a walk on the shores of Lake Washington today. Not where I planned to be, probably not who I planned to be with (the kids were all supposed to be in school by now in my plans 😊). I thought a lot about the journey and the destination. The journey has been good. The destination, unexpected, but still good…and I still have a lot of journey left to go.

In another 15 years I will be almost fifty-one. My daughter will be almost 17 years old. We may take a walk that day. She probably won’t cry about leaving the playground. I hope that on that day I stop to think about the journey. I hope I can say those years have been just as fulfilling for relationships as the last 15 years. I hope I can say I am still right where I am supposed to be.