My 2018 goal

I set out at the beginning of the year to write more. Late in 2017, I read about the idea of having just one goal and focusing on that rather than several goals that might all get mixed up. I decided to try it with writing. For the first time in my adult life my goal list had just one item. That was to write an average of 500 words per week and to have 26,000 words written by the end of 2018. These would be journal entries, blog posts, and speech notes. Every week the top item on my planner was “500 words”.

I started strong. When I really sit down to write, I can often go far past 500 words on a blog post. The Spring was solid and I was actually ahead. Then Summer came and I had 4 small people to keep busy. I started to slip. I wasn’t hitting 500 words every week. But it was my one goal so I wasn’t going to let a few weeks slip stop me for the year. I had ONE GOAL. I couldn’t fail at just one. I could fail at many, but to fail at one? That would just be sad.

I rallied in September and found a new writing time. I wasn’t too far behind. I could still do this thing. It would just take determination. And then the Fall holidays began and it was hard to find the time again. But still, I wanted to do this thing and I wasn’t that far behind.

That brought me to early December. I had to write 3000 words by the end of the year. I started to wonder if I could really do it. That would be more than 500 words a week at a busy time of year. I told my dad I didn’t know if I could make it and he asked where I was on my goal. I said “3000 words away, I might just fail”.

His reply changed my game.

He said “You already are at 85% or so of your goal. You may miss the word count, but that is hardly a fail.”

He was right. Since when would 85% be failing? And more importantly, I have written more this year than ever before because of this goal. My husband has encouraged my writing more this year than ever before because he knew my goal. I am closer to be a “real writer” than ever before. My goal has moved me forward as a person and a writer and that is what goals are supposed to do. So even if I missed the 26,000 words, I would not be failing my goal.

And that, as it turned out, made my want to write even more. I wrote during naptime. I took my kids to the Y playrooms and never made it to the exercise rooms, I would just write in the lobby. I might miss my goal. But I was not failing and I was a better person for trying. I was at peace with myself regarding my goal, which can be just as important as meeting the goal itself.

That brings me to today. I am super excited to report that I have done it! I have written 26,118 words in 2018. I am crying as I write this. It was a stretch goal. I could have quit with 4 little human excuses. But I didn’t. I kept going and I did it!!

And here’s to 30,000 words in 2019!

Thank God for Kids

“If it weren't for kids have you ever thought 

There wouldn't be no Santa Claus 

...thank God for kids”

I have always loved that song but it was hard to hear for a lot of years when we so wanted children we couldn’t seem to have. Then, 7 years ago, there was a Christmas filled with some hope as we were a waiting adoptive family. That year at the church Christmas Eve service I held up two candles…one for me and one for the baby I hoped God would give me in the next year. One day shy of two months after that service, I would hold my baby in my arms. God had heard our cries and given us the perfect baby he had picked for us. He gave us laughter again. He gave us Isaac.

The next Christmas, Isaac was 10 months old and holding his own candle at Christmas Eve. He was called out by Pastor Joel as “the child waving his candle more vigorously than others”! I cried again that year, but happy tears.

Little did we know that the very next year, we would experience “Baby’s First Christmas” again. We added Joel to our family that year with another sense of amazement at carrying a baby to a full term pregnancy.

In the following years we would add two additional children. One that on his first Christmas we were both thankful for him presence in our lives but very worried about why he seemed to not be able to see. The next year, Peter would be wearing glasses and just about to start using a mobility cane.

And that would also be the year we would do our final “Baby’s First Christmas”, but that one would include ribbons and bows and frilly ruffled dresses. Our Ellie girl had arrived that year.

This year, as I listened to the words “thank God for kids”, I am so incredibly thankful for my kids. I am thankful we got our children. I know that many arms are still empty. I am extra thankful we got all four of them and were able to close our family building chapter as we wished. I know that many arms are not as full as they wanted. I am excited for the next season of kids. I know not all parents get to watch their kids grow up. I am thankful.

Thank God for kids.

Merry Christmas

Was 2018 a bad year?

It is almost the end of 2018. Another 12 month have past and we are at that point of looking back at what has been and forward to what will be. I don’t know any adult who isn’t at least a bit reflective at this time of year. In the last few weeks, this reflection and thinking of 2018 has been visible on Facebook. I have seen a larger number of articles and memes than I ever remember there being in past years on why this was such a bad year. That 2018 was the worst year of our lives. Articles trying to explain this through astrology. Or memes about just a few more days and 2019 will surely be better.

Now, I am sure that 2018 was very hard and the worst year for some people (I know some of these people closely and it rings true for them). BUT was it really the worst year for EVERYONE, as social media seems to want me to think? Really, I almost started to believe it was true and to buy in to the idea that we should write off this whole year and try again in 2019. So I needed to step back and look at my own data. Check my own facts. Look at my very own year. Not the one I was being told about.

I decided to compile a list of good things about 2018, big and small, and see what I found. So here is my data in no particular order….

1. We bought our first house. One that our kids had known for 2.5 years as home.

2. Our kids were all able to stay in their schools because we didn’t have to move.

3. We found a new church that fits our family well and our kids love to attend.

4. We went on an 8 day kid free vacation and reconnected.

5. Eloise met all of her developmental milestones.

6. Peter began walking with confidence and running.

7. Peter began to talk in clear sentences.

8. Isaac learned to read.

9. Joel learned to ride a bike.

10. Mark got his role as acting program manager.

11. We spent 11 days on the Oregon Coast!

12. We joined the Y and the kids confidence in swimming has grown a ton.

13. I made some new friends joining the Y.

14. I started my own Facebook page as a writer,

15. I have written consistently enough I feel like I can say I am a writer.

16. Mark and I have grown closer as a couple.

17. We were able to help TWO therapy clinics raise funding to help other families.

18. We have had the money we needed for the expenses we have had.

19. Peter’s development grew exponentially at Stepping Stones.

20. Mark got an unexpected bonus.

21. Peter’s transition to the school district went pretty smoothly.

22. Peter gets special instruction in Braille daily at school and loves it.

23. Isaac found a therapist that he really connected with.

24. Joel continued to love preschool and adores his new teacher almost as much as his prior teacher.

25. Our kids get to go to work with my mom sometimes which gives me some little breaks.

26. I spent a weekend at the Oregon Coast with my mom.

27. My grandma moved to just 5 minutes away from us.

28. My kids are developing personal relationships with their great grandma.

29. Our cars didn’t need any major work even though they are old.

30. We got our backyard fixed up to be more useable.

Ok, so that is just the first 30. I need to get to bed at some point tonight! I am sure, though, that I could continue in to the night.

Given my own data points above, I am going to make my own declaration about 2018. There was good in this year. I know it had its ups and downs but it clearly there have been reasons to celebrate. So I am making my own determination. I won’t let social media tell me that 2018 was the worst year. I know it was good for me and my family and I will look forward to 2019 with anticipation of more good to come.

Seasons of transition

I like to think of life in terms of seasons. I love the changing of the seasons in our physical world. I am not even sure I have a favorite season because I am ready for each one and embrace the change.

So I also think of my life in the same way...seasons that come and change and go and flow together and grow from each other. Some of them are seasons of excitement (hello, wedding), some are seasons of big change (hello, new baby), some are seasons of sadness (goodbye, dear friend), and some are highlighted by the transitions that they will bring to our lives.

I have been knowing this current season of transition was coming, at least a part of it, for the better part of two years. I knew that the end of November 2018 would mark a dramatic change in the life of one of my children, and by extension, my life as his mother would also have a large shift. I knew that it would not be a quick and easy process to get him through the transition. That my job as his advocate and voice would be exponentially larger through this season. To get him to and through the transition.

It is a season I have looked ahead to with both excitement and dread. Maybe because I knew it had a date associated with it even two years ago, I have had a lot of time to think about it and ask others who have gone through it and think of how it would play out. I knew it would be a hard season, even with the good that it could bring. There was no doubt in my mind that this end of 2018 would be mentally and emotionally taxing.

And now it is here and, to be totally honest with you, it has been harder than I even thought it would be. I have been trying to figure out why and I think I figured it out today. Because I only thought of that one aspect of life when I thought about this season and now I am here and there are SO MANY other things going on. Life doesn't happen in a vacuum.

See, my vision impaired toddler is going to be 3 years old this month. It has been a long and hard 3 years. Some days I am amazed we have made it here and he is mostly thriving. But age 3 signals a HUGE change in how kiddos like Peter are provided public support services . We will go from home based therapy to therapy based in the public school system. On his 3rd birthday, he will begin developmental preschool 4 days a week. He will be away from home for 3+ hours on those 4 days. That is a big deal for him at this age. For me, getting all the services lined up is a fight. It was a known fight and it has already had some big fights (and wins, so that is good, but still). It is making me tired.

I knew I would need to focus on this transition for these months. It is always on my mind. But so are the zillion other details of life with a family of 6. The baby had eye surgery last week! We are sharing our story in support of one of our therapy clinics on Saturday night...at a black tie affair with over 400 people in attendance. My husband has been in a state of transition with his job for the last few months. Life is so big right now.

In the midst of it all, I had some personal goals I wanted to achieve. Those who know what they are have been encouraging, but it has also made it almost feel like a bigger burden. And I am getting so tired.

So I forgot a key component to making it through a season of transition. I forgot that I need to give myself extra grace. That some things will slide. That I will have to unclench my fists and let go of a few things. That I can't do it all. That I have a high need for sleep that increases with stress. That I live my daily life with depression not super far behind and I need to be taking care of myself to keep it where it belongs.

I have cried a lot this week. That is a sure sign something isn't right. But it is getting better tonight. I remembered grace today. I talked to my people about how I feel. One of them encouraged me to remember the season. One of them reminded me that lists will help me. One of them brought me red roses.

I am remembering my season and that I need grace. I am smelling my flowers. And here is my list....

1. Remember grace
2. Get sleep
3. Do what I can for Peter
4. Let God do the rest for Peter
5. Set my other big projects aside for 2019
6. Exercise, meditation, and focused breathing every day
7. Embrace the chaos
8. Do one thing each day just for me...reading, writing, coffee, something

Above all, remember this is a season. It isn't forever. It will change like all those before and after. I will continue to grow and remember grace and hopefully look back on this season as one that birthed great new seasons to come.

Siblings Without Rivalry - A few thoughts

Sometime in the Spring I told the Facebook world that I was about to read the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I have long been a fan of their book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen so I was excited when I realized this sibling book I had heard a lot about was by the same two ladies.

It turned out I was not the only mom interested in reading this book. When I posted about starting it on Facebook, a surprising number of my friends responded with “oh, I have been meaning to read that book”. I know how hard it can be to get around to reading a parenting book when you are in the middle of actually parenting children so I took some notes and I am offering here a small look in to a few things that struck me personally in case a few of my friends still haven’t had a chance to pick up the book.

Overall, the ideas presented made sense and I got some good ideas. The format is something like a report on group sessions so there are lots of stories and lots of questions from various people posed to the authors. It doesn’t just read as a straight up “do this” book, but rather has several voices and even some disagreement with the author’s approaches that are worked out over a few of their sessions.

I am going to be upfront about my biggest challenge with the book. While they eventually got to my burning issue at page 164, I wish they would have acknowledged it earlier. The ideas in this book are geared towards neurotypical, typically developing children with relatively stable mental health. They are great ideas when you can reason with the siblings, when rational discussion can be comprehended, and when there is not a complete imbalance in the sibling relationship where physical aggression is routinely seen from one specific child. For that family, they would still recommend bringing in professional medical and mental health supports to work with the unique family. This made perfect sense, because as I was reading the book, I thought this is great for my kids that don’t need a ton of parent support to live on the same planet. It would not prove as effective for the kid that I was struggling with the most. Thankfully, we do have the recommended support team in place for our family, but if someone is super struggling with a very intense and aggressive sibling situation, I wouldn’t spend time with this book. Just go to a professional who can work with your family directly.

Okay, that is off my chest and I can share the other tidbits I learned 😊

I will be the first to admit it is hard not to cast my kids in to roles. Really, society sets this up for us without even much thought. Just think about all the of the research done on birth order. Then we add in our love of our kids and they all have personalities that are unique and we want to praise their strengths. But how we do that matters. How our other kids hear us talk about their siblings matter. My best example of this is music and dancing at my house. One of my kids does have some natural talent for music, beats, and dance movies. We have gushed over his dancing more than once. We have, and I cringe here, said “at least someone in this family can dance!”. Then there is that child’s sibling, who maybe doesn’t have the innate talent so, while we are not mean, we are not encouraging his dancing so much. Then one day, right after I read this book, this child was dancing and said “Mommy, dancing makes me happy and brings me joy. I could dance all day!” Full stop what mommy was doing. This child understands what brings him joy, regardless of how his actions are perceived by others. I want to celebrate and encourage all day long those activities that bring my children joy. So now we have no “dancing king”. We just have kids that love to dance. All of them. In the book this statement hit home for me “We want to make it clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship, dance, drama, poetry, sport are for everyone and not reserved for those who have a special aptitude.” (page 97)

I definitely focused a little more on the chapter about fighting. It is hard, as a parent, to know when/if/how to intervene in the fights of our children. This book focuses on empowering children to settle their own disputes. Even so far as to walk in, state the issue in a way that expresses empathy for both children, letting them know that you are fully confident in their ability to settle this, and then walk back out. I have started using this with a couple of my kiddos and it works amazingly well. Just expressing my confidence in them as little boys who can solve this together goes so much further than mommy trying to play Solomon. Now, this doesn’t work so well when physical violence is common. Those kiddos who are being physically attacked are entitled to adult intervention and swiftly. Another take away from this chapter, not necessarily a new concept but a good reminder, was that forced sharing can cause the child to hold on even tighter. Letting the siblings work out sharing fosters more of a sense of knowing that they are important enough to not have things that are important to them. The overall theme of this chapter was “basically, we try not to interfere, but when we must step in, it’s always with the thought that at the earliest possible moment we will turn the children back to dealing with each other. It is the best preparation we can give them for the rest of their lives.” (page 157)

The chapter on comparison had a lot of good role playing for how damaging comparison can be. Even we are thinking it can be a motivator to a sibling. It is best to just find a totally different way to motivate and move a child. “Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any reference to his brother. The key world is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child’s behavior. Nothing his brother is or isn’t doing has anything to do with him.” (page 55)

“To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self -  is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.” (page 71) There is an entire chapter about how we show love to each child and it reminded me of a sign that sits in my living room, that I received just days before adding child number four to our family. It reads “no matter how many children a mother has, she loves each one the best.” Not that she loves them the same. She loves each one the best. For who they are as an individual. One of the best ways we can do that is to spend intentional time alone with each child every week. Where we are totally focused on that one child and they know that they have our attention. I find that this can still be time where something is being done for the family, if necessary, such as grocery shopping with one child. To hear about his day. To see the world through her eyes. Kids say way different things when they are not a voice in the crowd. I believe this intentional time will get harder as they grow, but it will be my priority to make it happen so I know exactly who they are and what I love about them that is uniquely their own self.

I will be keeping this book for reference as more of my kids are in the targeted age group (school age) and can reason and discuss their way through problems (it wasn’t meant to break up toddler level hair pulling fights). If you are just looking for a few ways to increase the peace in your house through siblings working together, it certainly is worth the read.

Falling apart and what happens next

Many people tell me that they are amazed at my calm and humor and grace in the middle of life as the mom of the Bennett crew. And, because I am working on not having a self-depreciating attitude, I will say that they are right. I am good at generally keeping it together in what is a pretty high stress mothering environment.

That doesn’t mean I don’t fall apart sometimes. Sometimes I fall apart in a big big way. It would probably be a bad sign if I stopped falling apart because there are days life is seriously awful and if I wasn’t falling apart it would be because I had stopped feeling anything at all. So sometimes I do fall epically apart. Mostly in private because of my personality, but sometimes even in public I just lose it.

I had a such a day two weeks ago.  It had been a rough 24 hours with our oldest son. It was time to get to the bus and he wasn’t having it. His anxiety and disruptive behaviors were at a premium. It took the whole village that is my neighborhood to get him on the bus. I had no idea what I was going to do if he didn’t get on that bus. I was panicked. When the bus doors finally close, with him safely on board, I broke down in tears. My neighbors gave me hugs. I cried all the way (super late) to my double preschool drop offs. I cried through drop offs. I cried clear through the Starbucks drive thru window.

What happened next, though, is the important part. I stopped crying. I did my next things and while I did, I started to deconstruct the morning. I asked myself a lot of questions. What triggered the child? What made me feel the most upset? What could have changed? What couldn’t change? Where could I call in some resources? Who could help me? And with those questions I started to create an action plan. A plan of people to call, places to go, a plan of what I was going to do for my own spirit after it had been so totally stomped on that morning.

With those thoughts, the clouds in my head and my heart started to clear. My soul was coming back to where it should be. To be honest, the problem wasn’t solved. I had no clear answers or promises that this wouldn’t happen again. Getting the answers to my questions and getting a plan in place took a few days of hard work, and it took some not taking no for an answer.

All the while I still was doing my regular next things of parenting and life. The taking a deep breath, the thinking through the events, the analysis and refocus, those I would argue are the healthy result of falling apart. Now, it would have been easier to give up on that day. To go home and eat a bunch of junk comfort food and watch a movie or bury myself in a book. Those are the not healthy responses to falling apart, those responses take you from falling apart over one thing to a life falling apart and a depressed spirit, if I may be so bold as to say.

We don’t have to put on a wonder woman face to the world, we don’t have to have it 100% together, we can, and should, fall apart sometimes. Where we go from there, though, can have a huge impact on our souls. So, I will keep falling apart AND I will keep putting myself back together. Hopefully an even better version, a wiser and new lesson learned version, of myself.

A night alone

Over the course of the last year or two as I have learned what self care means on a regular basis and to me personally, I have been trying to take a night away from home every month (or maybe two). My husband does an amazing job of keeping everyone happy at home so I can step away, pause, and renew my mind for my role as wife, mother, and operations manager of our family!

(These nights do always feature a favorite take out dinner)

Sometimes it is about sleep (okay, it is always a little bit about sleep) and reading or watching a movie and just stepping out of my daily roles.

But more often it is about a moment to pause and reflect on what has been happening in my rapid fire lifestyle. It is a time to look ahead to what is coming. What season are we in? What is the next season? What needs to be prepared for next?

There are nights like this one where I know that we are entering a busy few weeks. That this

is our last weekend home before we are out of town for three weekends in a row. Tonight is about having the time to put on some quiet music of my own choosing (and not negotiating with a six year old DJ) and putting some thought into what we need to pack. To take a moment to figure out some logistics. Have time to hear my own thoughts about what a trip to the beach for 10 days looks like (do you even understand the packing this involves?).

It doesn't have to be a movie night on the couch to be self care. It can be a night of balancing the check book, finishing a few projects, and planning for the next few weeks that restores my soul and fills my cup. These might actually be my favorite evenings away alone. The ones where I am still actively playing out my roles but just in a calmer environment that speaks to my soul.

I will finish up soon. I will head to bed for that sleep I mentioned. Then I will get up tomorrow and be so excited to see all my people. The ones for whom I am happy to do this work, this planning, this preparation. The ones who will bring the noisy back in to my day. The sweet faces I get to travel with for the next few weeks and I will be in a much better place to take them all on.

It's July!

It’s July!

I have this odd affinity for the month of July. I can dress my baby in everything red, white, and blue and for a few weeks we don’t stand out. It is the start of the really sunny season where we live (that is July and August, for those of you who are not from Seattle). But it also is the longest month my kids are out of school. There are no family birthday’s in July. In some ways it could just be a “filler” month, but it isn’t.

See, I love calendars and dates and attaching meaning to dates. When I was a little girl, our phone book had pages with the calendar for the next several years. Yes, now I can pull it up on my phone, but at the time, I loved those pages. Full of possibility. Full of knowing when your birthday would next land on a Saturday. How do leap years change the day of the week Christmas will fall on when I am 10 years old. Definitely the best pages of the phone book.

I can remember many things tied to certain dates. I will amaze my family with “7 years ago today we were doing this or that” or “in two years Christmas will be on a Sunday and I wonder how that will impact our plans for church”. Ok, fine, maybe I don’t so much as amaze them as I annoy them, whatever, they love me. Almost as much as I love dates on the calendar.

Let’s get back to July and why July is important. When I was a child, we went on a family vacation one year to a resort not far from our home. On the Sunday morning of our visit, we watched workers pressure wash a deck (super exciting vacation times, I know!). Someone in our group wondered how often they did that job. We thought it could be every Sunday. But it was also July 1^st. So it could be weekly, or monthly, or quarterly, or even biannually! It was a fairly silly and inconsequential debate that I have remembered for over 2 decades. Why? Because it showed how many different time increments start on July 1^st (especially if July 1^st is a Sunday, like this year).

July is just full of starts!! It isn’t usually seen this way. January gets the big billing for starting new things, but July should be right up there in its possibilities! We still have half a YEAR left to do the things we wanted to do this year. That is exciting. We still have six more months. We have two quarters left. We have 26 weeks, people. There is so much we can do if we start right now!

If we had intentions in January that we didn’t quite get to, we are only at half time, we can start now and finish very well. If we look back on the first six months and don’t like what we see, we can finish the second half stronger. It’s JULY!!

For me, I am excited to report that my one and only goal I was planning to focus on for 2018 is going well. I cut back to one goal because it was that important to me and with that, I have successfully made the half way mark. I am celebrating and continuing strong on this in July.

But I also realize that there are a couple other things I need to not let slide. Instead of thinking “well, guess the year is a bust, I will get that started in January”, I decided to make some new goal charts. Add a couple new things. I can do this! I have the whole second half of the year to make these in to habits before we event get to January.

It’s July! A month of fresh possibilities. A perfect time to start something, to celebrate the halfway of accomplishment, to refocus on intentional living and finishing the year strong. What can you do with this possibility month to finish the year strong? Let’s go get it!!

Two years later

Two years ago today I got a call that didn’t change the course of my life, but it did explain more about the course I was on. It shed light on something that was already happening. That phone call was a defining moment, it will be forever in my mind, but even if I had never answered the phone, the answer would have been the same.

A few days earlier my six month old son had an MRI of his brain. It was a scary procedure because it had to be done under full sedation. I held him as he fell asleep. The nurse warned me he would look like he had died. That was exactly how he looked. I cried when I was alone again. But the procedure, we were told, was to rule out a neurological reason for his nystagmus (or rapid eye movement). I wasn’t super worried. We already knew he needed glasses. I thought the glasses would fix all the problems.

Then as I was driving home on June 21^st, 2016, I got a call from our pediatrician. I don’t remember the rest of my drive home. I probably shouldn’t have been driving. She told me that the MRI had, in fact, confirmed a neurological reason for his nystagmus. She said she already had a call in to the Children’s Hospital Neurodevelopmental department for a consultation. She said words I couldn’t spell that day, but now I can spell in my sleep. Peter has a condition known as Optic Nerve Hypoplasia. That was the moment I learned my son had a birth defect. His brain didn’t form correctly in utero. You don’t forget the call when someone tells you your baby’s brain wasn’t formed right.

I went home and tried to tell my husband about it, but I didn’t even know all the words and I certainly didn’t know what it all meant. I cried some more. I cried putting my baby to bed. I cried trying to tell our pastor about it the next day. I didn’t want to tell many people. I didn’t know what to say. I barely understood it myself. I wanted it to go away.

Then I picked up my baby the next day and started to sing like I often did when he cried (and this poor baby who couldn’t see cried a LOT). “Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…”. And I cried again. This was new information to me. It was not new information to God. He knit Peter together. He knew about Peter from the beginning of time. He loves my son more than I can imagine. I felt the love of Jesus wrapping us both in his arms.

I was already a really good mama bear because of Isaac, so I got right on figuring out who we needed to talk to for understanding more about Peter’s brain. We had to meet with a few specialists over the next few months. Early Intervention because a huge part of our lives. We were assigned a teacher for the visually impaired who has become a big part of our lives. I started asking for help. I started gratefully accepting any help that was given. A village would be needed to raise Peter.

There were many nights I still cried over Peter. I couldn’t fix his brain. I could only help him become his best self. I could be the best mama bear advocate I could be. I could be his best cheerleader. I could remind myself and him that “Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so…”

And then two years went by. The sting of the phone call past. The path was more illuminated by that call, but still pretty scary. I still don’t want him to have this. I want his brain whole. But I love who he is and how far he has come. He hadn’t met any two month old milestones at six months. He has met most of his two year old milestones. He attends preschool. He uses his mobility cane like a little boss. He loves his sister and brothers so big. He comforts me when I still cry over him.

I am so proud of Peter. He doesn’t know his brain is different. He just does his life and he does it well. He can teach us all lessons about love and life and perseverance.

Today I think about that call, but I also think about the little boy Peter is becoming and I smile, even if through the tears.

My Happy Shoes

These are my Happy Shoes.

I got these shoes for Christmas...as in I saw them in the store and thought they were so perfect that I bought them and had Mark give them to me for Christmas.

I call these my Happy Shoes because they literally add to my happiness every time I wear them.

I wear my Happy Shoes when it is gray outside and I am happier.

I wear my Happy Shoes when I have to advocate for my special needs son...again...and they add some happy.

I wear my Happy Shoes when I need to drop off 3 boys for 3 schools and life feels crazy and I can look down and think "but at least I have Happy Shoes."

I wear my Happy Shoes on days when it is really hard to get out of bed. When I feel like I might cry all day. When I feel like it is hard to breath. When I just can't be me for one more day. Then I slip in to my Happy Shoes and somehow a tiny voice says "You can do this. Look at how cute your shoes are."

I need Happy Shoes because I struggle with depression. Sometime no matter what is going on, and sometimes because of what is going on, my brain just struggles. I haven't felt clinically depressed in about 5 years, but I struggle regularly with what I call my "pre depressed feeling", maybe "the blues" or "the duldrums", but I know when I am there that I need to take action. I need to act my way to a better place. This is actually fairly impossible for a person in a real state of depression, but where I am, in my "pre depression", I have a tool box of actions that can help me. And one of those tools is to wear my Happy Shoes. And so I do and so it helps my brain.

But why bring them up today?

Well, those "Happy Shoes" are by designer Kate Spade. It shook me to my core this week to know that the amazingly talented woman who made my Happy Shoes struggled so much that she couldn't see a way to keep going, so she didn't, she stopped living. I cried. Not because I knew her, but because without her making my Happy Shoes, I would have one less tool to fight against this demon. She helped me in my fight and she didn't even know. She was struggling in a fight. Did anyone know? Who else is struggling? Does anyone see? These are big questions. We have to start answering them.

I will continue to wear my Happy Shoes. They are a part of my tool box. I will wear them to help my own mind and I will wear them as a reminder to always be looking out for those around me who are struggling.

On How I Made My Birthday Awesome

When I was little, my mom did a great job of making birthdays super special. In our home, your birthday was definitely “your day”. I LOVED my birthday and looked forward to all the fun pretty much all year.

Then one day I woke up and I was the mom and I was the person making birthdays special and my birthday lost some of its shine. Beyond being the birthday person in my family, well, I still have all these kids and adulting to do…even on my birthday!!

In no way is this a slight against my husband. The man has tried to make it a special day, but I think even he was at a loss as to how to do that and, frankly, the guy is busy providing for our family and being a daddy.

So for the last few years, probably since I had kids, I haven’t loved my birthday, and that has brought some sadness to it. However, in the last couple of years I have been working on my voice and priorities and making this most of the life I have right here in front of me.

This year I applied all this to my birthday and I am sharing a few of those ideas here today. Just remember, these are the things that made my birthday awesome. This list should look unique to each mom.

1.  I am a gifts person. I like to give and receive gifts. In the case of my birthday, I like to give my people a list of ideas of things I want and I like to have wrapped gifts. But my husband doesn’t like to spend a lot of time shopping, shopping with kids isn’t fun, and he definitely doesn’t like to wrap presents. In the past, I have fretted about how he wasn’t shopping and it was almost my birthday, I would find the gifts stashed in various places unwrapped which was kind of disappointing. The gift part of my birthday wasn’t working. Instead of hoping that this year my husband would magically learn to read my mind and shop early for exactly what I had only hinted at and wrap it in amazing wrapping paper and display these gifts for me to “ohh” and “ahh” over, I stepped up my part…I sent him an email with links to Amazon for EXACTLY what I wanted. I pointed out to him that the kids can still be involved even if they are just clicking “buy now”. And he ordered it all to come gift wrapped!! It was my own bit of birthday magic to have all these beautiful gifts lined up on the mantel for the week before my birthday!

2. I stopped trying to do what other people say you should do for your birthday. I love my kids and I love caring for my kids and I love mornings. High on my list of things I don’t like is laying in bed listening while my poor husband tries to get them all fed and ready so mommy can “sleep in”. This year on my birthday I got up at my normal wake up time (it was a Sunday, so it was a little later than a week day, but my Sunday normal). I got the babies their morning milk. I helped prepare breakfast and dress kids for church. I didn’t leave it all to Mark because the world says mom needs the day off.

3.  I expressed clear and specific time expectations for my birthday, and then set up the babysitting myself. I knew what I wanted from the day, why shouldn’t I make the childcare arrangements? I wanted a trip out to lunch (which I specified as being at a favorite simple lunch place rather than a big “birthday lunch” at a fancier restaurant) and shopping with my husband at the mall. Before that, though, I wanted some time alone in my own house, because that is a rare event here. So, I just set up the expectation that I would help get the kids ready for church but would not attend. It was a wonderful choice. I was careful to not apologize for it, too!

I am happy to say my birthday was a success!! It was an awesome day with a good balance and flow. It was easily the best birthday I have had as a mom. Mostly because I was clearer ahead of time with others, and myself, about my priorities and expectations.

The other great thing about my birthday is where it lands on the calendar…because I have all this wisdom to apply again in just a few days for Mother’s Day. And you know, I think it will be the best one yet!

Lecture Review: Anxiety and ADHD by Dr. Chris McCurry

Thanks to my parents (for paying for the tickets, and watching the kids), I was able to attend a lecture by Dr. Chris McCurry last night titled "The Rise of Anxiety and ADHD: Solutions for Your Family. It was a chock full of interesting information and good ideas for anxious kids (and their sometimes equally anxious parents!). Let me just say, I used most of the tips Dr. McCurry gave between 8:03 and 8:57 this morning!!

A couple basic comments about ADHD and anxiety. Dr. McCurry said he thinks there is more overlap in symptoms than are usually given. The best side note he said about ADHD was that "it is something you do, not something you have". The behaviors are things you do, not that you ARE ADHD. This makes it more external to the child, and really, we all have the behaviors at times, right? He also said that the name wasn't accurate, because a lot of ADHD diagnosed kiddos can actually hyper focus on a preferred activity. It is more accurately named "Attention Allocation Disorder" and more importantly it is an "Intention Deficit Disorder". Their intention is lacking the right focus.

He also discussed feelings. That you don't really get rid of feelings, like anger or worry; what you really want is to teach children to be brave and courageous when they have those feelings.

I can act my way into feeling better sooner than I can feel my way into acting better. - O.H. Mowrer

We can help kids by helping them change their actions, not necessarily their feelings.


So what do we do to help anxious or ADHD diagnosed kids?

Dr. McCurry suggests we change the process of interacting with our kids. Remembering that they regress in the moment to a younger age ("I don't know how to be ten years old, but I know how to be four years old") and we don't want to regress with them!!

Changing The Process
1. Increase awareness - Everyone take a deep breath. Distractions (of all kinds) will happen for anyone.

Parents can remember this acronym to help them be mindful in the moment.
S.O.B.E.R.
Stop
Observe
Breathe
Expand - what are the possibilities? or contract if we need to (let's not worry about the whole homework)
Respond - Once the parent is calm and has thought of the possibilities, they can respond rather than react to the child

2. ‎Change the focus of attention ("Change the Channel")
Breathing exercises - Belly breath, ferris wheel, Darth Vader breath
Problems and conditions - which is it? Problems need solutions, Conditions need coping. We can change the focus from looking for a solution to a condition that we really just need to cope with.

3. ‎Make decisions leading to values-driven action (older kids like 7/8)
Choices (big) and Decisions (little stuff every day that support or don't support the choice) . All of your decisions then can tie to a value goal. The most important thing is to remember the most important thing. Helping a kid remember that can help them keep their focus and do even the undesirable task. In some cases the kid may not "want" to, but could they be "willing" to get to the values and choices they desire? (Example is not "wanting" to do homework, but "willing" because their choice and value is to be a good student). Dr. McCurry referred to this as "wantingness" versus "willingness".

Also in values he talks about "two sides of the same coin" and to teach kids (even with a visual of a coin) that is they want the "good stuff" they need to do the "challenging stuff".

The last big take away was validation. "All behavior is a message, and a behavior won't begin to change until the person knows his message was received". We can validate the child's feelings, let the know we hear them and understand the feelings, before we even go to the work of changing the process.

Overall, I was very happy with the new information we learned and I will definitely be checking out Dr. McCurry's book very soon!

On draining and recharging

I spent a weekend recently on an AMAZING trip away to New York City. It was exactly what my spirit needed in this crazy middle of life. I needed to be away to get renewed to come home and be a better mommy, wife, and human.

I was recharging a VERY empty battery. Not until I was away did I even realize just how soul crushingly tired I had been. I would have told you I was that tired, but until I was really starting to recharge, I didn’t even grasp the full magnitude of the problem.

As I was recharging, I was thinking about what I needed to do to not get to that place again, because, really, mommy can’t just run off to the city very often! The goal becomes staying charged up to a healthy level all the time. I think this is where we could have a long talk on self care routines, but that isn’t the point here because I realized something else as well.

Part of knowing more about your battery, is knowing what is draining it. When our cell phone battery is continually draining quickly we start to charge it more. This is a good practice, but to really solve the problem we actually need to know why it is draining so quickly. There is a part of the phone that shows how much of the battery is used by each app and we learn that not all apps use the same amount of battery. Ah-ha! Our lives are like this as well. Not all our roles use the same amount of battery. Some things just take a lot more out of us than others. Honestly, I think we all get that on some level, but there is a part of it that women really seem to struggle with.

Here is the biggie….not all apps drain all batteries the same. I have an example. My aunt’s phone battery was draining fast, so she checked the battery usage and found a particular app draining the resources. I had the same app on my phone and it wasn’t doing the same thing. Interesting. Same app. Different phone. Different battery drain. See where I am going with this? In our lives we look around and see someone else doing similar things and they are not feeling like their soul is sucked dry so we think “I am weak because this is killing my spirit.” NO! Our souls are all individually wired and have different capacity for different things. Maybe one woman is amazing with several kids, while another mom is at her limit with one. Maybe one woman finds housework a joy, and another it is the hardest part of her life. Maybe some women just have an oversized capacity in general and can “do it all” with grace. We just can’t compare. It does no good. My aunt comparing her phone and mine does no actual good to her battery power. If she wants more power, she has to deal with the battery she has and the apps she is running.

So goes our lives. We need to be assessing within ourselves, without comparison, what our battery usage looks like, what is draining it, how quickly it recharges. All without judgement on ourselves or others. It is quite possible that you just have to delete an app. It takes too much energy that isn’t worth it. Maybe it is a change in lifestyle. Maybe it is cooking less or outsourcing cleaning. I firmly believe this is why some women do better with working full time and having their kids in some kind of child care (that kid app can be exhausting if it runs all.the.time!). It could be giving up the dream of homeschooling because that one certain kid is a battery drain. The only one who knows is you. No one else.

I have been taking this week back home to think about some of these things. Where is my drain? What does my recharge look like? How often do I need to plug in? Back to self-care for a minute, what charges my battery in different amounts of time? All of these questions I am still answering for myself are going to be the key to keeping my soul at a healthy level of charged so I can be the thriving person I want to be.

My Happy Basket

This week I put together a “happy basket”. A little basket of things that I can easily reach for that help my happy levels.  I can keep this basket by my bed, or bring it downstairs during quiet time, and have a selection of things that just boost my mood close at hand.

I spent some time thinking about things that make me feel happier. These are often spread around my house so I don’t think about them right away when I am feeling low. Placing them all in the basket, gives me a go to spot to help my mood. I have helped my son create a “toolbox” of things that help him when he is anxious, I figure mommy can have one, too!

So what is in it? I am glad you asked!

I started with a very small basket because I wanted to be really selective of what I included. If the basket was too big, it would be tempting to fill it with just anything.

First up, of course, is my Kindle reader! I mostly read on my phone, but there is something more relaxing about my reader. It is more focused reading (read: it doesn’t have Facebook or Pinterest).

Then I added a book of 5 minute mommy meditations. This book has great tools for meditating in short times, which, honestly, is all I have!

I included a favorite candle. This one might be hard to use because kids, but just opening it and smelling it brings me joy.

There is a notepad and a colored pen. I love colored pens. A notepad is for all the ideas that pop in to my head. And for brain dumping things that need to just get out of my head!

I received a charcoal mask for Christmas, so I put that in because I know it will be relaxing and bring joy. It would never get used if left in a drawer. I think I will try to keep something like this as a “revolving” item. A little beauty product or pampering thing.

This basket also holds tissues. Because sometimes the best way back to happy is right through the middle of a solid cry. I can’t count the number of times I have held it together until naptime and then sat down and let it all out. My days can include some intense moments. Crying is just another way back to where I need to be. Then, when I am done crying, I head to the last item in the basket….

The last item might be the most important. It is a little bag that holds chocolate. But, shhh! My family doesn’t know this. I don’t open this when anyone is around. It is just a little “mommy pick me up”. Sometimes I keep a bag of M&M’s, sometime it is truffles or something else I have picked up.

This basket is just a small set of things that bring me back to a better level of happy. That add joy when I am down. That provide that little lift to keep going. A little basket of things that says life will be ok, that mommy will make it another day, that there are little bits of joy in the day. I just have to look for them…right here in my happy basket.

This Goal is for Me

I am a New Year goal maker. I know a lot of people are jaded about starting new resolutions or life changes or goals in January. I don’t really care that it is cliché. While, yes, it is just “another day”, it is one that can be easily marked. In recent years, my “reset” days have often been with the birth of a new baby, also easily marked, but I am past that season so I am sticking with New Year’s for this round.

Actually, I did a lot of thinking about my “goals” over the last several weeks. Many of them could also be viewed as just a matter of intentional living. They outlined how I wanted to be mindful and purposeful with how I spent my time. It was certainly a good list of my priorities. The list included such things as “build deeper relationships”, “continually update baby books”, “live within our budget”. All good things, but not quite “goals” as I have been thinking of them recently.

Then I watched a video awhile back by Jon Acuff, this was hard for me, as my husband would tell you, I don’t like to watch anything. But it was about stay at home mom’s (I think) and doing ONE thing well. That you don’t need a huge list of goals. That raising kids could just be the ONE thing you are doing really well today (or trying to, because let’s be real, parenting is HARD).

So I started thinking about ONE thing. What was a one thing I could focus on for this year? Yes, I raise my kids (my long term goals include “raising decent humans” – time frame 18+ years), but was there one goal that could be mine as April rather than all my other roles?  I thought and prayed about it.

Then it came to me. Also on my long term goals is writing a book so I need a habit of writing. Or maybe even the writings I could come up with would slowly become a book. At any rate, writing started to be my goal. I actually love to write, so this was definitely one that would be an April goal. It would also be a stretch because I have 4 small kids so time isn’t exactly hanging off my hands.

I didn’t want to just say ‘write something’. That was too vague. I wanted something that was definable and could be checked off, so to speak. I would know when it was done. So my goal is to write 500 words a week. About what? That will be a surprise to all of us! I am giving myself the freedom to write this on my blog, as a long Thriving in the Middle Life FB post, as a journal entry. So long as 100 words are together, I will accumulate them towards my 500 for the week.

The math says this is 26,000 words. A quick check on Google says a 200 page book is about 55,000 words. Looks like I will be off to a good habit and start towards that book.

What are your goals this year? Do you have a big one? Several small ones for intentional living? I would love to hear about them.

And just in case anyone was wondering….this was 558 words. Week one done!