A Few Thoughts on Adoption

November does a lot of celebrating of adoption...World Adoption Day (today), National Adoption Day (in a few weeks), and Orphan Sunday (for you church folks)...all this month so there is a lot of talk about adoption out there for a few weeks.

One look at my family and it should be pretty obvious that this topic is near to my heart. So dear, in fact, that we don't really need November to remind us...we celebrate adoption daily.

But it never hurts to stop and share a few thoughts...so here are a few that have been floating around in my head.

First, "orphan" is not my favorite word to use in adoption. Yes, there are a LOT of orphans and many of them are adopted into homes but not all adoptees are "orphans" exactly. That implies a lack of parents. My son never lacked in parents. In fact, he has an abundance! He went from one set of loving parents to another through an amazing act of love. My point:

1. A young man walked up to my husband and me, shook our hands, and expressed his appreciation and gratitude for the journey we were about to take to raise his son.
2. A young woman with tears in her eyes transferred a tiny little baby into my arms, said "I will always love him", and turned away so she wouldn't have to watch us leave with her son in our arms.

That boy was loved by parents from his first moment. He isn't an orphan. Ok, that was sort of my soap box moment. 

Moving on.

Second, sitting in church on "Orphan Sunday", I wondered if it gets at more Christians to use that wording because of the whole idea of orphans adopted by God? I don't really know. What I would have liked to have said to our church family, and I may well ask to say at some point, is that you don't have to adopt to care for the orphans (silly idea...but you don't have to marry to care for a widow, so there). We needed (still need? may always need?) a huge amount of support to adopt. There were many places our church family at the time stepped in...financially, physically (fundraising is WORK, people!), and emotionally. In my mind these people were very involved in adoption even if they didn't take the child home (and a few probably would have!). I think a lot of Christians don't feel like they are in a position to take in a child so they do nothing but those are the extremes...just find an adopted or foster family and come alongside us. We all need it. Trust me.

Third, it isn't really possible to describe how I felt the day Isaac's adoption was finalized and he was forever a member of our family and I was forever his mom. I just can't wrap words around the impact of the judge asking if we were swearing to be this child's parents forever and then issuing the final "forever" verdict. Yet this is also what God did for us in adopting us into his family. Honestly, before  I stood before the judge on finalization day I don't think I fully grasped the implications of adoption by God. Maybe it was just me, I don't know, but I almost think there isn't any way to fully grasp the adoptive love of God without adopting a child. I know that is most likely an oversimplification, and not everyone is going to adopt, but, man, if you are considering adoption....just know that it will have some crazy profound impacts like this one that you never even considered. 

People say we changed Isaac's life, true enough, but no one gives quite enough credit to how much Isaac' changed our lives.

The Awesome House Finding Story

We arrived in Seattle late on Friday night with ONE week to find a house. After months of wondering if the job would come through or looking at houses night after night, we still were uncertain about buying or renting. We were just hoping we would get a clear answer as we went...

Saturday we set out to look at houses we had seen on the MLS and a few town homes for rent. The houses for sale were not what we were looking for and the town homes were not quite what we wanted either (small kids + giant hill = no bike rides in the driveway). I was feeling a little defeated at the end of the day, BUT we really like my parents church and we would get to go the next day so at least we had that to look forward to before resuming our search.

During church on Sunday, where we were once again welcomed with open arms, I spent a lot of time praying. I even wrote on Facebook something like "we don't have a house, but we have a church and that seems like good place to start".

Turns out it was the perfect place to start!

I mentioned to the pastor that we were looking for a place to live (he knew we had been hoping for a Seattle transfer) before the service. At the greeting time he told Mark that a house was vacant in his neighborhood. That just two doors down from his family was a home vacated by the church guitar player. This sounded interesting.

After church Mark went to ask the pastor again about the house and to get an introduction to the prior tenant. When I came back from getting the kids, Mark was talking with the guy and getting the land lady's information and the address.

As soon as we could leave the boys with their grandparents after lunch we went to scope it out. A lovely little neighborhood and in an area that we wouldn't have even look otherwise. It was feeling like a God thing!

Monday morning I called this random lady and asked if she was still the owner and interested in renting the house. She said she hadn't even had time to list it yet. Perfect! We want first pick!

Wednesday we met her at the house to walk through and it looked like a good fit for our family. As we left, the pastor was in his driveway so we went over and talked to him. Their family is very similar to ours in number/ages of kids.

Thursday we turned in our application and prayed like crazy. We had a couple back ups (see town house mentioned above) but really wanted this house...and to have a solid answer before we left on Friday.

On Friday morning we were heading to the airport and I got an email saying we were APPROVED! Thank you, GOD! It will be so fun to live by kids that our boys can play with and two doors down from the location of the small group we would best fit in for church!

Going to church really is the best place to start....and we are off to a great one in our new adventure!

Brave: A Pep Talk, Of Sorts...

I have a thing about bravery. I guess you could say I have been studying the idea of bravery this year.

This year has required some bravery. Not the easy peasy looking movie version...the REAL version: The sleepless nights, endless thinking about possibilities, crying on the shower floor, real deal bravery.

And, well, sometimes often frequently I fall off my own wagon. I just hit on the despair and can't get to the bravery of just moving through a life that is a bit hard right now.

So I needed a pep talk last week. I was feeling miserable about a lot of things and had to really stop and really think "what is the brave answer?". And a few things came to mind...my own visual pep talk..before I settled on the brave answer that day.

I figure if I post them all here, I can revisit this pep talk as needed this summer. Seriously, it will be needed.

First, one of my favorite songs. I keep this loaded on my phone for a quick reminder...

(There is a music video version, but honestly, I don't get it)

And then I read this Bible verse...

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.- 2 Timothy 1:7

I love that verse for bravery. Sometimes I am fearful of just life and I need the reminder that I have been given a spirit far beyond fear.

God then used my brother in a crazy way for my pep talk. My birthday was 2 months ago but on the day I needed this bravery reminder...well, a birthday present came from my brother...

A "be brave" bracelet!!

And finally, a post from one of my favorite authors and random Facebook post writers, Jon Acuff!

Bravery is a choice, not a feeling.
Posted by Jon Acuff on Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Once I had gone through all of those, I could think about my question...

"what is the brave next step?"

and I found one.

Not a perfect answer to all of life's current problems but an answer of what would brave look like for that day. And that tiny start of movement from desperate to brave started to move again in my soul and that was enough.

Be Brave.

Taking the Cake

I could share many Isaac stories from each day, but this one from today, quite literally, takes the cake!!!

Let me back up. For Father's Day we bought a chocolate scoop cake. This is basically layers of cake, chocolate mousse, and whip cream in a container about 5 inches tall. It tastes amazing! 

Isaac seems to agree.

We decided to have the cake for our dessert after dinner and gave each boy a small bowl. Both of them finished quickly and then proceeded to eat mine. (Of course!) Mark left the cake on the counter while we ate.

And it was spaghetti night. Which means, at our house anyway, a LOT of clean up after dinner. The boys were cleaned first and headed of to play. All seemed fine.

Then Joel called for "MOM-MEEEEEEE" and since it had been a little quiet and the boys were in Joel's room I went to check. Joel was stuck trying to get to Isaac...

...and where was Isaac???...

That little sneak had snagged the entire container of cake as he left the kitchen a few minutes before!! I found him tucked between the guest bed and the wall...face first into the cake container, arms wrapped around it, going at it like, well, a kid on cake!!! Seriously just using his mouth to get as much chocolate as possible before he was caught!

And this might be where we see the parenting fail in the story...

I laughed. I laughed HARD. I tried not to. I really did, but that little brown head all tucked into that container of chocolate cake...how could I NOT laugh.

So I took the cake and told him to go wash up. Mark asked if Isaac needed to be disciplined and I said "yeah, but I already laughed!". We talked about not taking food without asking, but I doubt it sunk in much :(

Life with Isaac is always interesting...and, apparently, delicious!!

Conversations with a Three Year Old: Morning Sickness Edition

In general, all of our conversations with Isaac regarding the new baby are pretty funny. He certainly has a lot of questions, ideas, and opinions (especially about names!). Some of his best comments, though, come about when I am sick (and by "sick", I mean leaning over the toilet loosing my breakfast). And since this happens almost every day...well, there is a lot of talk about vomit around here!

Sunday's version...

We were actually on our way to church and I wasn't feeling well. I told Mark to pull over so I could throw up before we got to the church parking lot. As I was leaning out the car door, I hear this conversation...

Isaac: Is Mommy throwing up the baby? [an ongoing concern]

Daddy: No, the baby just sometimes makes Mommy's tummy hurt so she throws up food. Only a doctor can get the baby out. [Because that is all a three year old needs to know!]

Isaac: He will use a rope. [WHAT?!?!?!]

Daddy: Nooo, he won't use a rope to the get baby out. Sometimes he uses his hands. And sometimes the doctor even uses a knife!

Isaac: How?

I abruptly ended their chat at this point because as you are throwing up on the side of the road you don't really want to contemplate having a baby cut out of you with a knife!!!

I can only imagine the questions regarding delivery are only going to get more interesting from here!!

A Thriving Surprise

I have some happy Thriving news today!

One of the reasons I found myself in the Middle Life this year was my desire for another child. We always wanted several kids, but kids haven't been easy to come by in our family. So I felt in the Middle with my desires.

In the last year we lost three babies at early stages of pregnancy. It hurts. It makes it hard to Thrive, but we continued to have faith that we would have more kids. And I blogged about it, too!

And now we have some happy news!! Actually, the happy news has been around for a few months, but when you have the problems we do it is hard to share early...so we waiting and prayed and hoped and prayed and started to allow ourselves to dream...and now we can finally share this happy news...

That's Right...we are adding a fifth Bennett in December!!

So far everything looks perfect with this little guy and we are so thankful for yet another miracle boy!!

The Poop Story

Because every family with small kids needs a good poop story. Be warned, this is probably not the post to read if you don't like a crazy poop story!

Last night right after dinner Mark needed to mow the lawn. I told him the boys needed a bath and I was just about over the day.

Famous last words.

Because then...
Joel has a tendency to poop in the bathtub. I have no idea why, but we deal with this on a pretty regular basis. Which is a bigger problem than it even sounds when you have two kids bathing together. I was pretty sure we would be OK, though, because Joel had already had a dirty diaper that day.

I was wrong.

A few minutes into the bath and there is a tiny speck of poop in the water because Joel tooted. Everyone out, drain, start over. Hurry to wash everyone just in case. Isaac starts to yell. Joel is fully pooping on one of the toy boats! I quickly grab child and boat and the water remains clean for Isaac...but I have a poopy child and boat in my hands. So I try to dump the poop in the toilet but splash it on the floor as Joel jerked my arm while trying to sit down and also smears poop on the side of the tub. I can deal with this. Clean up kid. Clean up toilet enough that we can start to dry everyone off and move to the jammies stage. The rest of the bathroom bleaching can come a little later.

Get the boys in their towels and grab the first bunch of poopy towels to get to the washing machine. House is too quite. Yep, naked boys outside! I go outside to get them and Isaac said they both needed to poop so they went outside. I pointed out that we poop indoors and ushered everyone back inside.

Isaac heads for the bathroom but lets me know it is not clean enough to use. So I run in to wipe it down quickly for him. Turn around to get Joel so I can get someone, ANYONE, in clothing. No Joel. He is outside AGAIN. This time actually pooping on the patio!! And then walked through it! AHHHH!

Got Joel inside and cleaned up. Noticed poop on my jeans. The whole time I am cleaning up Joel, Isaac is yelling that he needs to poop but there is a toy in the potty! WHAT?!?!?  Yes, he chose that moment to put a matchbox car in the toilet! Feeling like some child of mine needed to be in a safe and secure spot, I put Joel in his crib. Went to the bathroom with Isaac and made him get the toy out of the toilet. Then I told him to wash up and grabbed his still naked self to get him to the sink. At which point he yells "JUST DON"T TOUCH MY BUTT!" And I look down to see that he had already started to poop...and it was on my other pant leg! Great. Now I have poop from TWO kids on me! So I get him back on the toilet and go add my jeans to the poopy laundry pile. Then I went and cleaned up the patio. Then I wiped Isaac's behind and got clothes on him.

And at that moment Mark comes back in from simply mowing the yard. And did I ever have a story for him...

As an added bonus, somewhere in that story, I hurt my ankle...no idea where, no idea how, but it hurt! Thankfully, it is getting a little better tonight.

Not So Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday. I feel like it probably should be since I have two little boys and I AM a Mother. But it just isn't.

Because for years it wasn't a good day for me and, even though I finally became a mother, I still get those feelings of disappointment for other women. And because I have had that disappointment again this year...my arms are holding fewer children than we expected for this Mother's Day.

And churches just make it worse. They really do.

To poorly hack from Dickens....Mother's Day is a poor excuse for churches to segregate women every second Sunday in May.

I am on the mailing list for a few churches and each has plans to segregate women in some way on Mother's Day all in the name of family. This is a holiday that isn't even a church holiday. Really, they could just ignore it and still be Bible following Christians. Instead, they will add to the hurt women face in the world by bringing it right through the door of the church.

Women shouldn't have to prove anything on Mother's Day. It will cause hurt. I can 100% assure you it will cause hurt if women are segregated at church on Mother's Day.

A couple ways this is true (just in case you are sure your church is one that segregates nicely)...

1. Mother's v. non-mothers -

• Some women are hurting and want to be mom's...please don't rub it in at church. These women may even have angel babies in heaven. These babies made them mom's. Give her a flower.
• Some women are mothers even if not in the biological family sense (example - I have a cousin who has never had "her own kids" but has run a daycare for decades...she has wiped more tears and rears than most moms...and I consider her to be one to "her kids"!). These women deserve flowers, too.
• Not all mom's have their babies in their arms. Isaac's birthmom is a mother. She always will be. She made pretty much the most self sacrificing decision I can think of to not parent him. She should be recognized, but she should have to point herself out. Just give her the flower.

2. Types of mothers -

Some churches seem to want to give extra attention to single mom's. I get this one, sort of. These women are definitely amazing for carrying the burden of raising kids alone. BUT, just because someone is married, doesn't mean she isn't in the same position. Many women are carrying this burden and could use some extra pampering because being married to a guy who isn't leading is really hard. In fact, give this woman two of something! And then what about the woman who is married to a pretty good guy but they feel called to have a stay at home mom so finances are pretty tight. She doesn't get that manicure because she has a husband? I bet she hasn't seen the inside of a salon in years. Bless this woman on Mother's Day, too, please.

And then there is another issue that makes this day hard...not all mothers are awesome. They are just not. So to say "everyone has a reason to celebrate Mother's Day because everyone has a mother" is pretty much a knife to the heart of the person who was abused by their mom. Please just don't say this. 

So I still avoid church on Mother's Day sometimes. I just can't bare to watch churches further wound these women than it would be so easy to bless.

My advice for church leaders? Keep it simple. Keep it small. Keep it universal. Don't make a woman prove her motherhood. This will do wonders for healing and blessing. 

If you do want to do a reading, I suggest the following. Again, it will be a path to healing and blessing and isn't that the point of the church?

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

 Reading Quoted From The Messy Middle

The Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. A week to highlight and bring awareness to the fact that 1 in 8 couples will be impacted by infertility. This is near and dear to my heart because we have suffered from infertility in various forms for several years. But last week I wasn't exactly sure what to write about and then I had the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever and I knew what to say (it just took a few more days to find the time!).  

Last Wednesday was my birthday. We had been planning a trip to visit my parents in Seattle, take the kids to the Coast, and a little hopeful house hunting for this Spring. It just worked out for scheduling for us to fly out on my birthday. So I was up at 4:20am on my birthday and on my way with my husband and boys for a cross country flight!

By the time the evening rolled around, even with a pretty good travel day, the boys were starting to melt down. Did I mention there is a 2 hour time change between home and the grandparents house? Yeah, that isn't easy for little boys.

My mom had planned to make my very favorite meal for my birthday dinner, followed by cookies, and presents!!

As soon as we sat down to eat Joel was done with the day. DONE. So I jumped back up and got him ready for bed. Took a bite of food as he had a bottle. Put him to bed. Came back out to eat and my brother had arrived with my new niece. Right as Isaac was done with the day. DONE. So I ate a bite, smiled at the baby, and got Isaac ready for bed. And had a bite of cookie, too!

And on it went until a full hour and half after dinner was started and my mom reheated my birthday dinner when I could finally take more than a bite at a time. And it was probably another hour before Isaac was finally asleep and I saw those presents.

So Worst Birthday Dinner Ever.

Except that it was the Best.

I have celebrated my birthday in Savannah, GA and Rome, Italy and some fancy pants restaurants near the White House.

But I didn't have boys for those dinners. Sure, the food was good (and hot) and I could sit still and enjoy it. But those dinners didn't come with Joel hugs and Isaac smiles. So they were not the Best.

As I got in bed on my birthday I thought about all of that and I wouldn't have given up my evening on Wednesday for anything. It was the Best Birthday Dinner Ever because I finally had those boys I had hoped and dreamed of for so long! They are what makes me birthdays bright and happy!

And I think I will always remember that evening as the Best Worst Birthday Dinner Ever!

5 Things Not to Say to a Woman Experiencing Secondary Infertility

Infertility is a hard to talk about. It is hard to be the person going through it and it is hard to be the people around the people going through it. It is a very sensitive time but there isn't an easy guide for what to say. So lots of people have written such guides. There are so many really good lists of things to NOT say to a person going through infertility. Since infertility affects about 10% of couples, these are list of things to not say to 10% of people. But not everyone feels comfortable sharing their infertility with a crowd so they really become lists of things not to say ever to anyone.

I loved those lists when we went through infertility the first time. And now we are at it again and the lists are falling short because they are primarily lists of things to not say to someone who has no kids. But what about people who have kids but want another. We get told our share of rude/insensitive/inappropriate things to and so here is my lists of things not to say to people like me...people with kid(s) who want more kid(s). And since you don't always know if someone wants more kids, the rule of not saying these things ever from above still applies.

1. Just adopt again! 
This is so similar to the "just adopt" we got the first go around. We actually did end up adopting our oldest child, but there was no "just" to the process. It was an emotional roller coaster that included very hard decisions, strangers investigating our lives, being chosen to be the parents of a baby, waiting for the baby's first parents to terminate their parental rights. It was HARD. This might bother me even more now that I have been through the process than it did before. If we decide to adopt again it will be our decision and don't cheapen my first born by assuming it is a easy way to get a baby.

2. It happened before.
I really want to answer this one with "read a statistics book". Given the multitude of reasons for infertility, one successful pregnancy does not mean you will have another. And I don't want to tell every person I met that, actually, I have had three failed pregnancies since I gave birth a year and a half ago. So just please don't say this.

3. Can't you be happy with the kids you have?
Oh, I am so so happy with the kids I have. They bring me joy each day. In fact, the joy they bring me is part of why I want more kids!! Please don't imply I am not enjoying these kids because I would like more. Nothing could be further from the truth.

4. Why would you even want more kids?
Yes, they bring me joy. Yes, they are a lot of work. Especially a three year old with a sensory disorder. There are days my limits are tested. But, you know what? Those limits changed a lot after my second and they will change again. The desire is in my heart and I WANT to rise to the occasion of taking care of more kids.

5. God doesn't think you can handle more kids?
No. Actually, we believe the size of our family is a desire from God. This comes across as people just wanting to play "the God card" and kinda makes me like Christians less. So, unless you are a VERY close friend who comes to me and tells me that God has specifically spoken to you about my family size, just don't go here.


Now, I am guessing a few people are thinking "well, gosh, what can I say to this woman?" Well, I am glad you wondered...

1. That must be really hard. 
Just acknowledge that going through this disappointment is hard and I may not always be at my most happy smiley self.

2. Can I babysit for your appointments? A date night?
Seriously, it is hard to balance the kids a mom has with trying to conceive. There can be appointments with doctors or adoption agencies that are hard to take kids to. Or maybe the couple just needs some time to be a couple or they just had a miscarriage and need some time to grieve alone. Just offering to help can make a woman feel like she has a village sharing her hearts burden.

3. I will be praying for you to see God's plan for expanding your family.
I covet the prayers of my friends. I am sure other woman do as well.

4. You are an awesome mom. I would love to see more kids like yours.
Affirmation is always helpful. Trust me. On days when my kids are crazy, I have all kinds of self doubt about my mothering abilities and I start to wonder if God thinks I am a good enough mom. Affirming a mom is ALWAYS a good idea.

5. I'm Sorry. 
Sometimes that is all that needs to said.

Conversations with a Three Year Old: Tomato seeds...or something like that...

Tornado season has started once again in Oklahoma. 

In fact, we had scary tornado on the ground way too close for comfort experience last week which has left our 3 year old wanting to discuss tornadoes all the time.

Except that he can't say "tornado" so we actually spend a lot of time discussing "tomatoes"! As in "Mommy, is the tomato alarm going off today?" "The tomato didn't get our house but it hurt some other houses." 

Tonight was my favorite...Mark told Isaac that it is tornado season and Isaac wanted to know all about the "tomato seeds"! 

And if you think about it, a tomato so big it needed a siren would be very scary...especially if it had a lot of seeds!!

My Mission Statement

This is my Facebook status from this morning:

Woke up feeling a little overwhelmed...then I remembered that everything I want to do today is part of living my mission so it will be a great day no matter how much gets accomplished!

It is now it is 8:45 pm and I feel a sense of accomplishment in this day.

For exactly the reason I thought I would at 8:45 this morning.

Not everything on my list got done, but I lived my mission. So there was accomplishment far deeper than checking off a task list.

Here are some of the things I did today...

Visited with a friend
Made sugar cookies with 2 sweet girls and 1 silly Isaac.
A few loads of laundry.
Ironing.

And it all fits my mission. I love having a mission that fits all of my life into a simple phrase.

To inspire, believe in, and accomplish growth in myself and those around me.

 That's it. One simple phrase.

My last quarter of college I had to take a senior capstone class that tied together the four years of schooling I was finishing. Except my program was so small we didn't have one. So I took a Journey Through Leadership class instead. It was there that I was guided through writing my mission.

I think the coolest thing about my mission statement was that I wrote it when I was thinking my life was going to be a career in economics (specifically having a PhD in economics and working for the Department of State on the economic mission to the European Union) and it still works as a stay at home mom with a part time business selling children's books.

My mission has become part of my life habits. I don't necessarily think it every day, but it is a part of my every day. Here are a few ways this is true:

One of my favorite uses of my mission statement is using it to say "yes" or "no". There are so many demands on our time these days...church, kids, community, etc. When I get asked to do something, I can evaluate it against my mission statement and determine my answer. Now, my mission statement is a habit so I generally don't even think really hard about this, I just know if something fits. This is important because I have only so much time, energy, money, emotional resilience and doing one thing means I can't do something else. But, I also want to please people so I have the tendency to fill guilty about saying "no"...but if I am saying no because it doesn't match my mission I have almost no guilt at all!

Another way I love my mission being part of my life is that even if my "to do" list isn't completed, I still have accomplishment. This happens more days than I would really like, but still, I have accomplishment when I live my mission. That might mean setting aside my list to spend extra time pouring into my boys personal growth or decorating cookies with little girls. At the end of the day, I have accomplishment. Bringing it back to a daily habit, I don't have to write my "to do" list sitting in front of my mission statement...what I want to do generally flows out of that mission.

In general I think mission statements help ground us to our values and set a vision for our future. To create a future that is what we want it to be rather than just were we are pulled or how we feel on a certain day.

If you don't have a mission statement, I really recommend spending some time to find one....and make sure it is broad and simple enough to fit your life today and in the future. And check back here because I am going to have another post soon on figuring out your mission!

Conversations with a Three Year Old: Part 5

Overheard at the playground...

Random Adult: "Is that your mommy?"

Isaac: "Yes, and she is also my April"

I am not even sure what to think of that!

The beginning of bravery

We all like the idea of bravery. We see other people take a risk and think "that was really brave". Hollywood makes money off of showing us bravery. Disney knows the Prince needs to do something brave to win the heart of the princess (or, in the case of Frozen, the princess bravely chooses true love, still, Anna was brave!)

Yet in our own lives we don't always see our bravery. We call it something else. Crazy? Stupid? (In the first year of having two babies 20 months apart in age I often left my house with them to do something thinking "this is really brave or really stupid"!)

Or do we see acts of desperation where others might see acts of bravery? Does bravery occur because we feel we have no other option but to step out on that desperate path?

Let me give an example...when I graduated from college I was 21, had a degree in Economic Theory, and needed a job. The problem was that there wasn't a huge need for right out of college economist in my city. So I needed to relocate. I also knew that in person interviews were a good idea. And I was running out of money. All of this prompted me (especially that last part about money) to pack up and move from one side of the country to the other, without a job when I got there, to a city where I knew no one. I was desperate. From my point of view, there wasn't another good option. I packed up my few belongings and a grouchy cat in a Honda Civic and drove across the U. S. My plan did work, I had a job within a few weeks, but I had no guarantee of that at the time.

I have retold that story many times in the 11 years since I did it. Almost every time I have told it, the response has been "that was brave" and I kind of looked at people funny at first because I thought "no it wasn't, it was crazy, it was terrifying, it was desperate!"

That is just one story, I have lots more, where I felt totally desperate in the moment but when I look back I can see the bravery. Which makes me wonder "does bravery begin in desperation?"

Even if you go back to Prince Charming he fought the dragon because he was desperate to get the Princess not because it looked like fun. It is a silly example, but it works.

Are we willing to take the desperation to get the bravery? I hate feeling desperate, it is a place of vulnerability, but if I let it be a time of growth, bravery happens and then amazing things can happen.

That job I got? I left it three years later to start a company that contracted for my original employer. That company not only employed myself, it paid for my husband to get through college, and employed a few family members as well. GREAT things came of that desperate brave act of moving without a job.

I am starting to realize that I need to reframe my story. To look at events maybe as an outsider. To see what it looks like to be brave when I just feel desperate. And if I am going to reframe my past in the context of bravery, can I start to reframe my "now" as brave? Are the hard days of being in the Middle Life, of learning how to Thrive, really days of bravery? I started out this year wanting to Thrive in my Middle Life...even that was kind of a feeling of desperation. I mean, I was feeling kind of stuck so I decided I would Thrive because I didn't see another choice while I was here. But I am starting to feel brave! The little, and big, things I am doing to Thrive this year are acts of bravery, one step at a time. I am choosing to reframe the story starting in the now.

I like stories, so here is another one...We struggled with infertility for the first few years of our marriage. It was a hard road. It was a dark road.  It was a very desperate road. As we walked in our desperation it became clear that adoption was going to be the path for us. That road was also filled with desperate longing for a baby. We adopted our son in early 2012 and, if I let myself, I can still feel that desperation, but I can look back and see the bravery, too...we opened our hearts to the idea of bringing in this new baby. Providing a life he would not have otherwise had. I love that little boy with my whole heart. Our journey to him was desperate and brave and beautiful. And I am thankful today that I reached a point of desperation that led to the bravery of choosing adoption to grow our family. Without desperation, I wouldn't have Isaac.

So as I embrace Isaac, I want to remind myself to embrace the desperate times, but to look for the bravery, because it is there and that is the story I want to write. Starting now. Starting with the bravery of embracing, of Thriving in, the Middle Life.

It was...a day!

(I have been working on a deep blog post for several days, it isn't quite done, but this one was in my head today, so here it is....)

Marriage speaker Mark Gungor once said if you ask a man how his day was he will look back and the box could be empty already and he will say "ummm, it was...a day!". But a woman will tell you every. little. detail.

Sometimes, though, I look back and all I can say was "that was...a day" because I can't even believe all of what transpired in that day. Some days I am sure I have lived a whole week since I got up in the morning!! But, I can't even repeat it because it was so overwhelming, so I just say to myself "well, that was A DAY".

Today was one of those days.

I woke up feeling overwhelmed and then spent my day putting out fires and having new reasons to feel overwhelmed....

...starting a new business and all the little details of trying to have a kick off.

...taking my son to the doctor and dealing with billing problems (this one was resolved by other people today. YAY!) and then getting some heavy information about the kiddo during the appointment (thanking God that I have a HUGE support team to turn to to sort stuff out with).

....volunteering to make FORTY rice crispy straw bales for preschool tomorrow (the volunteering was done weeks ago, I was crazy).

...sending my kids out to play and having the 3 year old throw the 1 year old's glasses over the fence! (trying to be thankful he told me what he did!)

...and realizing as I got the toddler ready for bed that we were both still wearing HIS breakfast on ourselves (my shirt, his hair).

But it was still a day. Just one out of many, right? Now, that was a lot to take in and I wanted to run and hide a few times (and I did cry once) but it was just a day.

Now we are at the end. And there were victories...getting the glasses back (breaking and entering, yes, but whatever), finding the right support after the doctor visit, and the straw bales are ready!

It was just a day. Days happen. Some are crazy but I need to remember to let them stay in their day, not to add or borrow to another day, just have one day.

So tomorrow is a whole new day, with whole new mercies, and I have no doubt there will be a whole new kid story, but let's not worry about it yet, ok?

Sleep well because it was just a day!

Lego Instructions Organization

We are starting to enter the Lego season with the boys...which I am pretty sure last the rest of their lives! Their daddy also has a few sets that he has received as gifts and little paper instruction books tucked on shelves were starting to make me itch!!

I looked around for a good solution and saw several 3-ring binder ideas so I made one that fit what we have now and should be able to grow as the kids collection grows...

First I picked up a one-inch binder. That fits what we have now with room to grow. Added a cover that makes me smile...

Then I labeled a set of dividers by types of Lego sets...Duplo, Creator, Technic, etc. For the movie based sets I just added a "movies" tab. If they get a lot for a specific movie, say Star Wars, we can always make a special section (I love how this will grow with them).

I then put each instruction booklet into a clear sleeve and put a large sticker with identifying information on the sleeve.

 If there was more than one booklet (like the Creator sets often have three things than can be created) I noted that on the sticker.

The sticker identifies the type of set, the Lego set number, and the name of the set. This should* allow for the instructions and the sleeve to always end up back in the right place.

(*should - we are still talking about little boys here...)

This project took about 15 minutes, because we are at the beginning of this season, and I am hoping I can keep it up as we grow!!

And Then He Was Three

Three. A simple number. More than a couple, less than many.

In the world of ages, it seems to mark the separation between "baby" and "kid".

So my baby is now a kid. How did that happen?!? After the years of heartache and wondering when, how did we get all way to having a three year old?

Because God is good. God is good TO US.

I think if you ask any parent they would say that the time of the child's birthday brings back memories of when their child was born.

For me, with Isaac, this brings up a cacophony of feelings. Happiness, fear, joy, terror, love, disbelief, and so on. I can remember clearly sitting on my parent's couch the day before we flew across the county for Isaac's birth and crying... being desperately afraid that we were this.close to finally having a baby boy of our own and what if it didn't work? What if his birthmom wasn't really prepared to make this choice for her baby? And tears of joy because we were finally this.close to being parents!

There were days I felt like we were taking the low road through hell to get to a baby. And I would do it again in a heartbeat to get my precious Isaac. To be his mommy. To be his first Valentine. To be the one who dries his tears.

And because I know that God was always there. That God was in our story. That God is still in our story. That our family is exactly as it is supposed to be even though there were so many days I had no idea where the story was going. But God was faithful to us as we were faithful to Him.

The last three years have been amazing and challenging! I heard once that first children should be disposable so you can have one to learn on... that seems kind of mean... but I do have to apologize a lot as I figure out this mom thing!

And, finally, I can't write a blog post about Isaac being three without listing the wonderful things about Isaac... in no particular order....

• His intense spirit
• His contagious laugh
• His bright smile
• His beautiful brown skin
• His silly way of describing the world
• His creativity
• His love for his brother
• His happy heart
• His compassion for others

And so many more.

 

So, my baby is now three. My baby is a kid. But he will always be my baby!!!

Shelf Life

I crave organization in my life and sometimes the Middle Life is not the most organized place one can be. There are often many things that are so up in the air my entire life feels disorganized.

So I create organization! My house is my best place for this, With two little boys, toys galore, clothes being outgrown, a love of kitchen gadgets, and a home office there is pretty much always a little corner that could use some organization.

Recently, the top shelf of the least used cupboard in my kitchen has been driving me nuts (and trying to kill me - things often fall out of it on to my head!). It looked a lot like this:

All of those things are related to baking or kid art stuff.

One of my problems in taking on this space was the desire to not spend a lot of money. So I made a few of my organizers. The process is fun and adds a pop of color:

I was going to try to do this for all of the boxes, but I was getting impatient waiting for just the right sizes so I bought a couple things.

And now it looks like this...

And I am happy. And being happy is part of Thriving in the Middle Life!!

Conversations with a Three Year Old: Part 4

Isaac has taken to calling me "Sir". As in "could you help me, sir?" or "I would like some juice, sir."

It is terribly annoying....which probably makes him do this even more :)

And I blame that darn Fox in Socks...and Dr. Seuss himself, really.

Conversations with a Three Year Old: Part 3

Isaac and Joel were making a lot of very loud, typical little boy noises.

Isaac said, "Mommy, Joel is being loud."

Mommy: "Isaac, you are BOTH being loud."

Isaac: "Yes, but I am not bothering me!"

Isn't that how life works sometimes?

Imperfect Progress

Imperfect Progress.

I read that phrase recently and it really stuck with me. I think a lot of progress actually works that way and it pretty much is what I am holding on to right now in my Middle Life.

I haven't had a lot to say recently. The last few weeks have been hard. Lots of thoughts in my head, but not a lot of them making even remotely close to enough sense to write down. I keep thinking "two steps forward, one step back...and I am in the one step back part."

Why? Because we lost another baby and when you get to miscarriage number six there isn't a whole lot left to say. And none of it is nice.

So I got to practice, again, focusing on the land of the living...but it was HARD. It was imperfect progress. It was crying myself to sleep, but still getting up to love on my boys. It was saying "why this AGAIN??" while still taking my little ones for a walk. It was my heart breaking for my lost baby at the same time I was smiling at my silly toddlers.

It was imperfect. But it was progress. Because I made it through. Because I didn't just say "I hate the Middle Life". Because I did my best. Each day. I know I did my best.

I actually lowered my personal expectations/plans/household chores quite a bit. I reminded myself (ok, fine, my dad reminded me) that sometimes just doing the next thing IS thriving.

Sometimes Thriving is just not giving up today.

And it is still progress. Beautiful, messy, imperfect progress. 

I love you and naps

That basically sums up my relationship with my toddlers!

Or I guess it could say "I love you and YOUR naps".

I love my boys so very much. I love being home with them very much.

But a mommy needs a break. An introvert needs a break. Even from her own precious children. There is nothing wrong with this, and if I can get on my soap box for a moment, I think other mom's might also thrive a little more if they did this. too.

So this is one of the ways I have set up my life to Thrive. Since I started Joel on a loose schedule at a few months old I focused on making sure my boys napped simultaneously each day. Yes, there are days when they are sick or something crazy happens that this doesn't happen, but 98% of the time their naps overlap.

And I am certain the very happiness of our family is dependent on this.

When Joel was taking three naps a day, Isaac joined in for the middle nap. When Joel moved to two naps, Isaac's nap moved back to match Joel's afternoon nap. Now that Joel is moving to one nap, on those days, Isaac's nap comes forward, too. When they are passed the nap stage, this will be a quiet time in our afternoon.

This is all in an attempt to give myself mommy time to refresh. Some days, probably less than half the time right now (much more when Joel was a newborn) I take a little nap. Most days, I do something that just needs doing that is hard with tiny hands around, or I blog, or do some extra reading. But mostly, I just have time to myself. I rarely even answer the phone during this hour.

Because I want to Thrive and I know that I need some quiet space in my day for that to be possible.

And when they wake up? I am happy to have my cuddly little noise makers back for the rest of the day!!

Living

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living. (NKJV)
Psalms 27:13

A friend of mine shared this verse recently. It wasn't new to me...I have clung to it before as a reminder to look around and see what God is doing even when I feel hopeless.

I just hadn't thought of it in a while until last week when I realized it summarized how I had been trying to live in my Middle Life over the last few months. 

Last year threw me a few punches in an old fight I didn't even know I was fighting. Talk about unfair! 

It has taken some time to heal from miscarrying not once, but twice, in just a few months. I wasn't even thinking of new babies but I wanted them when I thought they were coming and, honestly, I still want them knowing they are so much safer in the arms of Jesus right now.

Keeping myself focused on the land of the living took effort through that grieving process. I know it took effort because a couple of times before in a similar grieving process (you get a lot of tries with 5 miscarriages) I didn't do well on this focus at. all. This time I wanted to be different and I was.

But I can't really take credit. The Lord has given me my focus on the land of the living. There are two living babies that are sleeping in my house right now. They are there smiling each time I look in the review mirror of my car (well, always there, just not always smiling, they are toddlers after all). 

These little boys show me the hope in the land of the living each and every day. On days it would be so much easier to pull the covers back over my head and cry "why" and "when will get to where we want to be", I remember that I believe I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. And when it is hard? God is Good...God has given me two of the most special reminders of this process I could ever ask for!!

So I continue to apply this and I am working to not lose heart in the Middle Life.

Conversations with a Three Year Old: Part 2

Isaac is an early riser, at least compared to the rest of our family. We often have to remind him to go back to bed at 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning. However, he is wide awake and has some funny stuff to talk about as he is going back to bed.

Today's installment of that...

My name is Isaac. I liked to talk. I like to talk loud best.  I have so much to say. NanananaTHUNDER!

It is so hard not to laugh!

That last bit is his attempt to sing the song Thunderstruck by ACDC which happens to be his favorite song.

So I leave you with the video clip in case you, too, like singing along to ACDC...

Sometimes We Need Help to THRIVE

My husband travels for work. Not a lot, so I am thankful for that. But about one week a month I am on my own with the boys.

Thriving isn't always at its best on those weeks. 

Being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) is my dream job, but a girl could use a break! Many days, especially as Isaac gets closer to 3, I look forward to the amazing Daddy returning from work at 5pm each night.

And then we get to the travel weeks. And I need a lot more chocolate and deep breaths!

And help.

This week a friend offered to watch my boys one evening. Not only watch them, pick them up, feed them, and return them worn out just in time for bed. SURE! Name the night!

My mom then gave me a gift certificate to have my nails done. She knows that my days are just brighter when I am wiping bottoms, picking up toys, and doing dishes with pretty red finger nails.

So last night my kids went off, I got my nails done and spent a few minutes reading in the peace and quiet of my. own. home. Oh My! It.was.awesome!

And I took a few more deep breaths.

I am so thank for that help, for that rest, for the people in my life who care enough about me to help me THRIVE. Especially on the hard weeks.

And I was so ready for my little boy kisses and hugs when I got them back again!!

Note to myself in about 10 years: Never ever forget that the NUMBER ONE thing you can do for a mom of toddler is to take her children and feed them dinner! She will get rest and she will be thrilled to have one less meal to clean up after!

Mercy and Grace...for me, for my children (Part 2)

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16 NKJV

I talked about how much I love this verse, and the words in it, as it applies to me, here.

This time it is about how this verse has impacted the way I interact with my children.

Mercy.

Grace.

Do my children know that they can come to me and "...obtain mercy and find grace"?

That can stop a mom of toddlers in her tracks.

On Sunday, the Pastor said after stepping on a small toy his child left out, "I wanted to wake him up, make him pick up all the toys, clean the whole house, scrub toilets, and maybe walk around the block with a boulder on his head". Man, are there ever days I feel like that! (He didn't, and I don't, by the way).

Yet. God is OUR parent. Thus, my boys are going to learn what God as a parent is like from their only source of knowledge about parents....me and their daddy. Wow. Let me say that another way..I am my child's first view of God.

Does that view include Mercy? Does that view include Grace?

Or (cringing a little)

Does that view include short fuses? Yelling? Punishment in anger?

I don't want Isaac and Joel to view God as primarily angry or frustrated. I want them to view God as Mercy. Grace. Help in their time of need. Love.

So I try to parent through that lens. I am far from perfect. But I think I am making imperfect progress. I calm down. I take a breath. I get on their level. And I dig deep (sometimes very deep) for the mercy and grace I want my kids to know.

Because I love them. Because God loves them so much more.

Mercy and Grace...for me, for my children (Part 1)

Sometimes a Bible verse pops up in several places in such a short period of time that it clearly is one I need to focus on.

That happened recently with this verse...and it turned out to be for me AND my children...

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16 NKJV

 I love the words in the verse.

Mercy.

Grace.

Help.

BOLDLY.

It is that last one that really has caught my eye as this verse relates to my life. So often we (well, maybe it is just me) go to God without a spirit of boldness. Like maybe we are bothering him just a little bit with our requests ("um, God, if you don't mind..."). Or maybe we go to God, let's be honestly, with a whiny spirit ("God, but, I waaaannnnt it").  But right here, the writer of Hebrews said we can go BOLDLY! And why not? God is our Father. We should be able to boldly ask our parent for something we need or want.

I am in the Middle Life right now due to a few things I am praying will change. And I should pray BOLDLY.  I can pray for the doors to be open. I can ask and seek and find. God can change each of the circumstances we are facing. At the same time, though, I am asking that if those doors don't open, that God will change my heart, my desires, my outlook. And I am still praying BOLDLY.

A lot of us feel that we can't pray boldly because we have messed up or are unworthy. but that is why the other words are so wonderful.

Grace.

Mercy.

God is Grace. God is Mercy. We can't mess up enough to approach the throne and not obtain mercy and find grace because Jesus paid it all.

ALL. So that we can approach BOLDLY. Like the favored children of a KING that we are.

(Part 2 will be how this verse relates to my children)

A Cold Tuesday

I know it is Thursday.

This is about Tuesday.

I have little kids, sometimes these things take a few days.

Tuesday I had a Thriving in the Middle Life Victory!

It was a COLD COLD COLD day (repeating words is allowed when the temperature is in the teens). I had a recently had a new idea for potty training I wanted to try with Isaac (for another post). I had a headache. Joel still has lots of snot. Basically, we were not going anywhere.

My plan for the day (as of Monday night) included cookie making and a roasted chicken dinner. Neither of those felt like they fit with potty training, snot, headaches, and being irritated with living somewhere we can't go outside on a sunny day in January.

So I thought about letting the boys watch TV all day and asking Mark to bring home dinner.

But, then I thought about it, and that wouldn't be Thriving. That would be barely existing in the Middle Life. That would be letting Satan win with depression. No, that would not do.

I took some medicine. I set butter out to soften. I prayed my headache would go away. I cleaned up pee.

And we read books, and we played, and pee made it to the potty! and we had lunch.

And we made cookies (well, Joel and I made cookies...one year olds are best at eating the cranberries, not actually helping...but he was there, and that was fun)

And I took a nap. Headache gone. Thank you, Jesus!

And I roasted a chicken.

Most importantly, I went to bed feeling like I had won.

For that day I had Thrived in the Middle Life!

TWO and ONE, TWO and ONE

Another post written before there was a bloggy home for it...

My kids are little and close together in age. Sometimes this is ever so clear in our daily interactions, but sometimes it still hits me like a ton of bricks.

Today was one of those times. In the middle of a VERY stressful situation where each of my boys was moving in a different direction and neither was going in the correct direction, I was asked "how old are they?"

I causally and quickly answered (as I was trying to stop Joel from damaging some expensive looking equipment), "two and one".

I am fairly certain this is the first time I have been asked that question since Joel's birthday. And there it hit me, even though my answer was quick. My mind heard it and went "Oooohhhh".

Yes, these boys are TWO and ONE. Both are learning boundaries  and limits and language and social cues and respect and so many other things...

This is just going to be life for awhile...two boys, two directions, some extra stress (probably some extra judgment from onlookers)...but that is OK because I know they are growing and learning...

And I will just keep repeating "TWO and ONE'!!

Thankfor for a sick day

This was written back in December before I had a good bloggy home for it!

Today I am feeling extra thankful!

Today my baby is sick.

Yes, they go together.

Joel has had a crummy cold for two weeks. He has that sick but still active kid look to him. The one that makes you wonder if you should really bother calling the doctor. But it has been two weeks, his face has some weird rash, and has back end isn't doing well either.

So off we went to the doctor. He probably has an underlying infection. Should be getting better with his first ever round of antibiotics.

And that was the first reason for thankfulness with a sick Joel. He is 13.5 months and this is our first real infection his body couldn't quite fight alone. That's pretty good.

Then the second reason, my kids are mostly healthy. I saw a couple kids that clearly had chronic health issues at the clinic. That requires a whole different level of super hero parenting. So I am thankful that even though we had to make a quick run to the doctor for a cold, we don't go very often.

Finally, I was reading tonight about a newborn who contracted bacterial meningitis and is fighting for her life. Wow! Again, it put my little snot nose baby in perspective and I am so thankful that my boys have been, on the whole, pretty healthy.

I don't, and won't, take that for granted.

I am thankful today for the reminder for just how much we have to be thankful for in healthy kids!!

Conversations with a Three Year Old: Part 1

Confession: Our son isn't three yet. BUT he is only about six weeks away and we are already having those crazy conversations you only have with someone this age.

This will be a regular installment as Mark and I navigate the wonders of having a three year old living under our roof. Given that 8 months after Isaac turns four, Joel will be three...we will be in this phase for awhile!

So, yesterday....
Time: Afternoon Snack
Where: Kitchen

Mommy: Isaac, do you want a butter sandwich? (A butter sandwich is one piece of bread folded in half with butter on it)

Isaac: TWO butter sandwiches!

M: How about a big butter sandwich? (As in two pieces of bread with butter in the middle)

I: Okay.

(Mommy starts to take bread out of bag, Isaac starts to whine about something being wrong)

I: NO, I want a BREAD sandwich!

M: Okay, here you go. (Putting two pieces of bread together and handing them to Isaac thinking in my head in my best internal Olaf voice "ok, easier for me")

I: NO, do it myself! (Puts bread back on counter. Stacks bread. Picks bread up)

(Takes one bite)

I: Can I have butter on it, please?

Final verdict...what he really wanted was a bread sandwich with butter. Which is totally and completely different than a butter sandwich!!

Yes, I did leave the room to laugh!

Thriving in the Middle Life

Thriving.

Middle Life.

Thriving in the Middle Life.

This is my goal.

This is my journey.

What does it mean?

Thriving. To Thrive: to grow vigorously, to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. (Webster's Dictionary)

Middle Life: that part of life where we are waiting or working for something but not there yet. Hint: Most of life is lived here. (Paraphrased and condensed from several conversations with my dad)

Putting that all together...

I want to Thrive in the Middle Life. I want to grow vigorously during a time in my life where I am working towards some things and waiting for some other things given my circumstances.

And this is where I am going to document my Thriving. Or the imperfect progress of thriving. Here, in my Middle Life.

Let the journey begin.